The Marriage Panic ... Not Just For Scaring Black Women Anymore!
Monday, February 8, 2010 at 12:00PM 
ANOTHER ladies’ night, not by choice.
After midnight on a rainy night last week in Chapel Hill, N.C., a large group of sorority women at the University of North Carolina squeezed into the corner booth of a gritty basement bar. Bathed in a neon glow, they splashed beer from pitchers, traded jokes and belted out lyrics to a Taylor Swift heartache anthem thundering overhead. As a night out, it had everything — except guys.
“This is so typical, like all nights, 10 out of 10,” said Kate Andrew, a senior from Albemarle, N.C. The experience has grown tiresome: they slip on tight-fitting tops, hair sculpted, makeup just so, all for the benefit of one another, Ms. Andrew said, “because there are no guys.”
North Carolina, with a student body that is nearly 60 percent female, is just one of many large universities that at times feel eerily like women’s colleges. Women have represented about 57 percent of enrollments at American colleges since at least 2000, according to a recent report by the American Council on Education. Researchers there cite several reasons: women tend to have higher grades; men tend to drop out in disproportionate numbers; and female enrollment skews higher among older students, low-income students, and black and Hispanic students.
After reading a ton of news stories about how black women are struggling through the "Man-pocalypse" and all, I sometimes forget that the "Man-polcalypse" is foisted upon all women in the media, and not just black ones. It's our punishment for going to college and being successful. If only we'd never had this desire to do better, have a career or learn -- we'd all be so much happier! (Ignorance is bliss!) Because, you know, everything is our fault. No one wants to address the elephant in the room. (That elephant is named "Why are fewer men folks going to college?") Nope. Let's talk about these sad, sad young women and the 60-40 ratio.
Of course, I went to a state school with plenty of menfolks and I couldn't get a date either because ... ahem ... IT'S COLLEGE and college is the land of hook-up culture where very few men, no matter what the ratio is, are interested in settling down. And, let's face it, while some folks are successful in getting married in their 20s, a lot of people, male and female, still have a lot of growing up to do so they aren't looking for a serious, let's-be-together-forever relationship amidst the beer kegs and rush weeks. They'd just like to get out with their degrees in tact. Women aren't going to college to meet their husbands. They're going there for these STRANGE things called degrees.
I'd much rather talk about how hard it is for some men to adjust to the changing environment and those who choose to channel their emotions towards the gender shift with anger, frustration and a lot "there's no safe place for me to be a man!" (Besides locker rooms, board rooms, Fortune 500 companies, golf courses, bars, strip clubs, various clubs and lodges, bowling leagues, Congress, shooting ranges, Hooters and, gawd, everywhere.) Gloria Steinem and bell hooks aren't keeping folks from getting laid, yet I hear more people blame the women's rights movement for every ill of society (while at the same time, strangely, putting down much of Middle Eastern culture for not having many rights for women). MAKE UP YOUR MINDS! Do you want to fit us all in burkas and shut-the-fuck-up or not?
Maybe I'm just missing something. What is so terrible about women getting jobs and going to school and living their lives that makes some people fly into fits of paranoia and shaming? The whole point of the women's liberation movement was to finally give women choices. Want to stay at home and raise your kids? Want a career? Want to go to school? Want to get married? Hooray! You have a choice now. Why is this so terrifying? It's not like Conservative women who'd like to stay at home (or even Liberal women who'd like to stay at home) don't exist. (Case in point: My VERY Liberal mother who stayed at home and raised me who also had a career and has a degree.) We just want to be treated as human beings, not property. I know, I know. Shit was so much simpler when we were property. Only, we really, really hated it. So maybe you should just adjust to the changing world already or go away. Because I'm not going back to kowtowing to placate someone's ego and shit is more complicated than Betty Friedan and the Cosmo Magazine made all the bitches crazy.
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Reader Comments (36)
Concise and awesome, as always.
What about what I call it the "Jesse James Effect"? I think some men are no longer presumptively interested in a college degree and the white collar career it affords. When I was coming up, the name of the game was avoiding blue collar work, hence a degree was a given. These days, there's more interest in the trades and entrepreneurialism, neither of which require degrees, and both of which are exemplified in the popular culture more than they were a generation ago. Remember "LA Law"? Now it's "Dirty Jobs", "Deadliest Catch", "Orange County Choppers", etc. Everytime I turn on the TV some dude is working a welding torch or bolting and engine in place. Had these shows been on when I was 20 years old, they most definitely would've appealed to me and perhaps influenced my career interests.
Thanks ladies for bringing home the bacon now. We men appreciate it. Hee, hee
If I hadn't gone to college I think I would have been an auto mechanic. That's a very handy skill since almost all of us drive cars. Where I'm from, the emphasis used to be on NOT going to college because we lived in a factory town and you could make a decent living without a high school degree. Recruiters from the factories would come to high schools and tell kids they don't have to graduate to work in their factories. Now, free trade policies have destroyed employment in those industries.
Is the number of college men really decreasing or is it that the number of women going to college is increasing so the percentage of men matriculating seems smaller in comparison? The article cited UNC-Chapel Hill as an example. So are those girls only limited to dating men at UNC? There are no other men on Earth besides UNC students? This is another "the sky is falling" article designed to scare women.
More women go for degrees because they are yet to be taken seriously in the workforce without one. I have worked right beside men with half a brain and no degree and they get the benefit of the doubt while I with a Engineering degree and a lot of experience still get the ow what would you know about the subject look from people I have to work with.
What has changed is that women have power now. All these women are "lonely", not because they did anything wrong, but because they are educated and thus choosier. Back in the day, women had no choice - men were the "deciders". Now it is a 2-way street. Personally, I love having high standards.
With power comes responsibility - I don't mind bringing home the bacon. But I don't want no scrubs. Ladies, do you!
Excellent post. About time people realized this not just a black woman's problem this is ALL women problem and it does make you wonder why they don't focus on men
There is nothing wrong with high standards. But personally my high standard is that I need a soul mate regardless of his education or income. I have dated men who were both blue collar workers, i.e. train conductor, and white collar, Doctors etc… However, I found that I have gotten along well with both. Sometimes the blue collar worker was more intelligent than the white collar and had greater common sense. I was once in a serious relationship with a lawyer who was fantastic on paper and attractive, but also arrogant, moody and sometimes rude. I don’t understand my girlfriends who won’t give a blue collar man a chance, because they may find they have more in common than they initially thought and he may treat you like the queen that you are. It’s easier to fall in love with a man who treats you well than with a man who loves himself more than you.
@Raina
This problem does disproportionately affect Black women and is called the marriage squeeze by studies.
another article about single women.
oooooo
Not My Problem - Wonder Why?
I did undergrad at an all-female liberal arts college, then went to UNC for grad school. There really was no contrast because the "Hook Up" culture thrives, I agree and it is a universal problem but I hate the way the media tries to paint it as the BW's issue. I remember telling some guys I dated that did my B.A. at a women's college and they would look at me as if I had two heads. Why would that be so intimidating?? What is wrong with being an empowered woman who spent four years around female mentors who would tell us that we could be just as smart and competitive and successful as any man and still not have to act like one. If a guy's ego is that fragile if they meet a woman with more education than they have, then you don't need him.
@Re: My point was they make it seem like it's JUST Black women going thought these kind of changes when it's ALL women going through this "marriage Squeeze"
@Exotic Beauty
From reading your posts I wonder why too. LOL
Regards,
Beautiful & Bright
Men don't have to step up their game anymore because women are so desperate for any kind of male attention, they start scraping the bottom of the barrel when its still full. Young women loose themselves in boys early on, they degrade themselves, take all kinds of abuse, settle for less, take on lost causes, accept the unnacceptable, excuse bad behavior, and share the unsharable. Young women overlook industrious, intelligent young men for thugs and bad boys discouraging them from bettering themselves by accepting and supporting them for who they are eventhough they are not living up to their full potential or embracing any kind of moral code. You reap what you sew.
Young people live life as if there are no consequences but what they fail to see is the boys and girls we play with, damge, and ruin in our youth will be the men and women we are forced to choose from as adults. As long as there are women who will take anything from men for any tiny bit of attention, many men will never get better because there are always less demanding options. Too many chicks willing to be baby-mommas waiting patiently with their legs open with no standards or expectations and low self esteem. And once a woman educates herself (and has any sense of self-worth) there are few acceptable prospects.
So girls, that "hook-up culture" that you begrudgingly participate in durring your teens and twenties will ruin you and all the other women in the worlds chances of finding a suitable husband in the future, i know your just having fun, doing crack is probably fun too but that doesn't mean its good for you and the world. Theres nothing wrong with fun casual dating but don't be afraid to have minimal standards! There is nothing wrong with passing on someones advances and sometimes, he is not good enough for you. You can't change a man but you can be a reason for him to step it up. Women do have a grerat deal of power over men, unfortunately, they have been tricked into giving it away and not using it by men to make for easy access. Sometimes the best way to help a guy get it together is to let him know that he is not good enough by not rewarding him with your time and presence. You can either be a coveted treasure that someone works hard to find and keep; or a door prize that everyone gets, just for walking in the door. Choose one.
Grown women and men: If you have a young girl in your life, school them on that and maybe there will be hope for tommorow
@nova
I agree with most of what you are saying. Personally, I believe that women should take pride in themselves and wait until they are at least engaged. However, pls name a time in history where men were these paragons of virtue and women controlled their behavior, especially sexually? Men from the beginning of time had many wives, concubines, mistresses etc… Typically men treated some women with respect because they respected the woman’s male relatives and were afraid of society’s retribution. Societal pressure is still the way that in general men’s behavior is controlled (i.e. Middle East, Orthodox Jews), not by the sole actions of women. Do you believe that an Orthodox Jew could bring home a woman who was inappropriate or blatantly have many illegitimate children?
This is the first time in history that these many people in general have ever been educated to the level that they are now and at the same time there is a relaxed moral code, where the society does not sufficiently condemn bad behavior to control the masses. Throughout history women have had to make do with the faults of men to carry on their DNA and gain protection for themselves and their offspring. This male female dynamic that evolved over 1000’s of years of civilization is probably not going to change in less than 100 years of women’s rights. That is why we have fought so hard for women’s rights because now we are more equipped to take care of ourselves without the need of men. We cannot change men without changing the society in general and the way that children are raised, the society has to vigilantly condemn negative behavior or men will continue to run amok.
It’s really sad that in an educated populous the society is still needed to police adult moral behavior, for the continuation of civilization. Have we really emotionally evolved at all from the caves?
"Why are fewer men folks going to college?"
Here's the thing, though. This question *does* get asked all the time. But alot times that question is also perceived as a dig at women's success too. Not saying that's what you did here, but the point is that broaching this issue at all sometimes is met with resistance from many women, feminists, and their sympathizers. Sometimes I get the impression that folks wish we would just ignore this whole topic and pretend it doesn't exist.
JJ, my hunch is that alot of men have realized that the corporate world is a soul-sucking rat race and was overhyped. Not that I'm one of those guys - I am posting from the middle of my cage right now and my sould is approaching EMPTY as we speak, but still.
Women just got allowed to really do the Academic/Corporate thing in the last 40 years, or so. 2 or 3 generatiosn from now the same effect will probably hit them, too.
NovaNova...I love this line...."You can either be a coveted treasure that someone works hard to find and keep; or a door prize that everyone gets, just for walking in the door. Choose one."
Wow! That is very poweful. I agree with most of what you said. I feel that if we as women have standards then men will start to live up to them if they want to be with you. I dont think we should loosen our standards just to have a man. Most men will tell you that when they are ready to settle down they want the woman with the standards not the "easy" woman.
Cosign @ novanova.
Especially the first paragraph. A lot of women, many on this forum, like to ignore that phenomenon and say that girls/women don't like thugs. I've made the same argument on here before and have read the subsequent denials. Sadly, black American culture values and glorifies criminals and mediocrity.
maybe it isn't the media that's making it a black woman's issue?
@NovaNova.. I cosign with everything you wrote. Especially with the statement, "You can either be a coveted treasure that someone works hard to find and keep; or a door prize that everyone gets, just for walking in the door. Choose one."
There is absolutely nothing wrong with having standards; everyone should have them. :)
@Re
You're right, society has been largely patriarchal in recorded history and while I stand by my statement 100 percent, I must add that this theory of mine probably wont fly in parts of the world where that is still the case. However, The original post seemed to be directed at the state of marraige prospects in the US so i'll stay on point. In this country, men have inadvertedly castrated themselves in their insatiable pursuit of power, things, sex, and money. The combination of liberation, education, and the remnants of patriarchy that leaves women largely responsible for all things domestic has shifted the power dynamic in this country.
To put it bluntly, men are so busy chasing ass and doing other foolish things to stroke their own egos and bulk up their machismo score in their youth, they are not building a firm foundation for themselves so its much more difficult for them to get into college (when/if they get there, they can't hang because they are missing the building blocks and there is still the ever-present booty factor looming; only now there are dorm rooms, weakly enforced curfews, no parental supervision, and often weak moral and ethical backgrounds) and because of the entanglement of pride, self worth, and financial success and stability, many men are afraid to commit because they're half-assedness and ego can't jive with a chick thats doing her thing.
If young men see young women giving more play to the romantic, faithful guy with the 4.0 gpa than the guy with the great 3pt shot, trust me, studying will be the new throwback jersey. Why? Women and sex are intertwined in the minds of men. I will not decend some archaic rant on how "men are more sexual than women" or "sex is more important to men than women" statement because that is not true. However I do beleive it's true that biologically, men are a bit more sensitive to that particular "drive" than women and it is intricately intertwined with a mans sense of self. So for many men, going without sex is like going without food, men are very easily sex starved. And starvation breeds desperation, and folks are desperate, lets just say they become veeeery moldable.
Therefore, if women control sex (which for the most part, they do; with the exception of rape and abusive imbalances of power) that doesn't necessarily equate control of men but lets just say they are majority share holders in the coorporation. The womans voting block is powerful enough to determine the direction the company is going in. LOL.
Scipio Africanus: interesting comment you made that in the next 2 to 3 generations women may also come to find the corporate existence as soul-chilling. I think there's something to that observation, although women's exodus from the white collar world may not be as marked as you suggest due to the fact that many blue collar jobs (at least the ones on top of my mind right now) tend to be more "male oriented" and aren't always so 'hospitable' to women. I think what we might see is more women starting their own businesses in order to introduce more flexibility and more control into their lives (and more money?) into their lives.
HULawyer, why is it that the moment that someone mentions that some women like thugs, that statement gets taken as some kind of universal statement for black women and becomes the main reason (along with feminism) for the state of marriage in black America? Perhaps some women date thugs (note that when non-black women are involved they're called "bad boys" rather than "thugs" - seems so much more romantic and spectacular to call them bad boys) because thugs (or wannabe thugs) make up 90% of the men in their particular environment - so they're choosing among what's there and available. Most women are not dating thugs and are not looking to marry thugs (query - do thugs even get married?), so the 'thug offence' argument can't account for the majority of the problem. Not too many college educated women are passing up the doctor/lawyer/investment banker who asks for their hand in marriage in favor of the street corner drug dealer (or at least I don't know any college educated women who make that choice), but I do see plenty of thug type men chasing college educated women (I guess they don't mind having a sugar-momma).