"Well first of all they are lazy good for nothing tricksters, crack smoking swindlers, big butt having, wide nose, breathing all the white man's air. They eat up all the chicken. They think they're the best dancers. And they stink!" -- A "reasonable" critique of the black peoples by Clayton Bigsby
The Internet exploded recently. Did you feel it? Well ... exploded is a strong term. And it wasn't the ENTIRE Internet. Mostly just the Facebooks and the Twitters. What went viral this time? Why, a blog post on Madame Noire talkin' bout the eight reasons why you should date a white guy.
Somebody hold me. It's about to get all "racial" up in here.
Before you ask, none of the reasons listed for dating a white guy were "because he's good to you and you love him." Oh no. That would make sense and would not gin up page views. Nobody wants to read yet another interracial dating story about overcoming fears and prejudices to find love. That shit is boring. Nope. I need a story where you take a bunch of stereotypes that have more to do with class, education and money then shiv some folks in the heart to make yourself feel better about your life choices. Not good enough to say "Hooked on Phonics worked for me." You gotta take a giant dump on every dictionary and thesaurus that doesn't agree with you on your way out the door and call it "progress."
But that ain't progress, honey.
Black folks have been dumpin' on each other since the first slave looked up from the field and called that house Negro uppity even though the only reason they were in the house was because they were in virtual sex slavery with their master. But, you know what? Slut shame a rape victim anyway. Kick each other while you're both down in the muck. You don't want to work together to organize that slave revolt or team up with Harriet Tubman and get both of you out of that hell hole anyway. It's much easier to lose track and fight among yourselves. Mmm. These crabs are tasty! And so stupid! Why, they could rescue themselves out of this bucket before I dump them in this pot of boiling water, but WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS!? Foot on that crab! You stay in that bucket and DIE with the rest of us!
And that's how I felt reading that post. Because of "OMG GOD! BLACK MEN SUCK!" bon mots like these:
... Gay White men tend to be more forthcoming about their sexuality with family and friends. The down low phenomenon is less prevalent, which preserves the battery usage on your gaydar and relieves the stress of dissecting every male relationship.
... White men have a firmer grasp on what really defines manhood.
... In White culture, education is valued and expected. Thus, White men have no problem dating educated women with advanced degrees. It is impressive rather than intimidating.
... For whatever reason, White men just don’t have children sprinkled all over the world like Black men.
... Black people, especially men, are always trying to shine—often spending more money than they have. White men tend to be more educated in the area of finance with a greater understanding of retirement planning, savings, investments, etc. This is mostly due to a higher level of exposure and teaching, but all that matters is they know and make better decisions than Black men when it comes to managing money.
So. You know? Just the usual.
As I quipped when I first read this article, I "admonished" my female friends who happen to be white about how they LIED TO ME! They lied, y'all, when they complained about their white boyfriends being sexist. Or white husbands breaking their hearts. Or being used by them. Or being hurt by them. Or being conned by them. Or being cheated on by them. THOSE WERE LIES. This article told me the truth -- that white men piss rainbows and shit silver dollars. That all of them are even-tempered, handsome, good with money, open-minded, not-secret-gay, understanding, empathetic, patient mixtures of George Clooney and unicorns.
And I love unicorns.
I "think" what the author of this post wanted to say that being a black person is hard. We have issues. Sometimes you want to check out of those issues. Date a white person and you'll leave some (but not all) of these issues behind. But you'll leave some. And then you can laugh at the poor suckers who stayed behind to tough it out.
But that would be intellectually honest. It's much easier to troll an entire race and gender, whip out a stick of "ALL Y'ALL SUCK" dynamite and blow the spot up. Be a weapon of mass ignorance. Laugh as you watch the world burn.
I don't like it when black people do this. I don't like it when they lose the ability to be objective and repeat the same negativity racists say about us, but wrap it up in the bow of "empowerment," "bravery" and "being open-minded." You can encourage black women to date who they love. That's GREAT! Finding love is wonderful. And there's so many places and people with whom you can find love with. Why hold yourself back or limit your options? Love that man, who happens to be white. But don't just love love him because he's a white man! And even if you do just love him for his paleness why are you so insecure that you would need to take a swipe at your own on your way out the door?
You mad, girl? Real mad?
How is it open-minded to make sweeping generalizations based on stereotypes about both black and white men as if white men held the monopoly on male competence? Maybe the coasts are full of these Unicorn Clooneys, but I'm from the Midwest and the South, jack. And the white men there seem to be just regular men. Their sweat doesn't taste like honey and their breath doesn't smell like cinnamon. When they open their eyes in the morning they don't fill the world with goodnerss and light. They're just human. Some are good and others are awful. Black men are the same mixed bag of beautiful and hot mess, sometimes at the same time.
Also every one of the author's critiques could have easily been twisted into "8 Reasons Why Black Men Should Date White Women." And it would all boil down to the same thing -- they don't carry the burden. Like, you could flip it and say:
"A lot of black women grow up without father figures, breeding unchecked resentment and distrust against black men. White women often have had their father in their lives and are more likely to be the product of two-parent homes, therefore less bitter and more hopeful about love and romance."
I mean. Really. Not hard.
God, it's so awful and hard being black. Don't you wish you could just opt out?
Especially with all these no good baby making, illegitmate, ignorant-ass, bitter, fatherless, mentally defective, broke black men and women around. They all just suck. And kicking a bunch of folks who are already down just feels ... so ... good ... to ... me.
It feels good to get up to my perch and point down and laugh at those dumbasses as they stay in the struggle. Bumbling around. Trying to make connections. Trying to love and live and grow. Bumping around in the dark without flashlights. I want to point and laugh at them. I want to mock them. I want to put my foot on their necks and watch them as they wince in pain. I want to set them all on fire and watch them burn. Because I'm not really capable of love. Because I'm actually more fucked up than the dumbasses bumping around in the dark. Because I don't treat people like people, but like objects. Like things I collect. This white man looks so good with my bootleg Prada and this white woman looks so great in my Lexus. Oh, do I actually love him/her? Maybe. I mean, I love my Prada/Lexus, so I might be able to love him/her.
But not really.
Cause I sure as hell don't love me. How could I love someone as messed up as me? It's much better to hide my self-hate by throwing it up on those unsuspecting victims who don't even know me. Telling them "dey ain't shit," when really I think I'm not worth shit. You say you had a happy functional relationship with a black person that was loving and rewarding? Well, screw you! I hate you! You're distrupting my bleak-ass world of pain, where romantic partners are things, not people. Where home is where the hatred is. Where every man cheats and every woman is petty and lies and you won't convince me otherwise.
Mmm. Where did you get these crabs? From Maine, you say? Oh my God. These are the best I've ever eaten. And with the drawn butter and the sauce?