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Monday
Oct042010

8 Reasons Why Putting Down Black Men (Or Women) To Prop Up Black Women (Or Men) Doesn't Work

Ugh. A handsome black man. Who wants that? Disgusting ...

"Well first of all they are lazy good for nothing tricksters, crack smoking swindlers, big butt having, wide nose, breathing all the white man's air. They eat up all the chicken. They think they're the best dancers. And they stink!" -- A "reasonable" critique of the black peoples by Clayton Bigsby

The Internet exploded recently. Did you feel it? Well ... exploded is a strong term. And it wasn't the ENTIRE Internet. Mostly just the Facebooks and the Twitters. What went viral this time? Why, a blog post on Madame Noire talkin' bout the eight reasons why you should date a white guy.

Somebody hold me. It's about to get all "racial" up in here.

More after the jump.

Before you ask, none of the reasons listed for dating a white guy were "because he's good to you and you love him." Oh no. That would make sense and would not gin up page views. Nobody wants to read yet another interracial dating story about overcoming fears and prejudices to find love. That shit is boring. Nope. I need a story where you take a bunch of stereotypes that have more to do with class, education and money then shiv some folks in the heart to make yourself feel better about your life choices. Not good enough to say "Hooked on Phonics worked for me." You gotta take a giant dump on every dictionary and thesaurus that doesn't agree with you on your way out the door and call it "progress."

But that ain't progress, honey.

Black folks have been dumpin' on each other since the first slave looked up from the field and called that house Negro uppity even though the only reason they were in the house was because they were in virtual sex slavery with their master. But, you know what? Slut shame a rape victim anyway. Kick each other while you're both down in the muck. You don't want to work together to organize that slave revolt or team up with Harriet Tubman and get both of you out of that hell hole anyway. It's much easier to lose track and fight among yourselves. Mmm. These crabs are tasty! And so stupid! Why, they could rescue themselves out of this bucket before I dump them in this pot of boiling water, but WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS!? Foot on that crab! You stay in that bucket and DIE with the rest of us!

And that's how I felt reading that post. Because of "OMG GOD! BLACK MEN SUCK!" bon mots like these:

... Gay White men tend to be more forthcoming about their sexuality with family and friends. The down low phenomenon is less prevalent, which preserves the battery usage on your gaydar and relieves the stress of dissecting every male relationship.

... White men have a firmer grasp on what really defines manhood.

... In White culture, education is valued and expected. Thus, White men have no problem dating educated women with advanced degrees. It is impressive rather than intimidating.

... For whatever reason, White men just don’t have children sprinkled all over the world like Black men.

... Black people, especially men, are always trying to shine—often spending more money than they have. White men tend to be more educated in the area of finance with a greater understanding of retirement planning, savings, investments, etc. This is mostly due to a higher level of exposure and teaching, but all that matters is they know and make better decisions than Black men when it comes to managing money.

So. You know? Just the usual.

As I quipped when I first read this article, I "admonished" my female friends who happen to be white about how they LIED TO ME! They lied, y'all, when they complained about their white boyfriends being sexist. Or white husbands breaking their hearts. Or being used by them. Or being hurt by them. Or being conned by them. Or being cheated on by them. THOSE WERE LIES. This article told me the truth -- that white men piss rainbows and shit silver dollars. That all of them are even-tempered, handsome, good with money, open-minded, not-secret-gay, understanding, empathetic, patient mixtures of George Clooney and unicorns.

And I love unicorns.

I "think" what the author of this post wanted to say that being a black person is hard. We have issues. Sometimes you want to check out of those issues. Date a white person and you'll leave some (but not all) of these issues behind. But you'll leave some. And then you can laugh at the poor suckers who stayed behind to tough it out.

Suckers.

But that would be intellectually honest. It's much easier to troll an entire race and gender, whip out a stick of "ALL Y'ALL SUCK" dynamite and blow the spot up. Be a weapon of mass ignorance. Laugh as you watch the world burn.

I don't like it when black people do this. I don't like it when they lose the ability to be objective and repeat the same negativity racists say about us, but wrap it up in the bow of "empowerment," "bravery" and "being open-minded." You can encourage black women to date who they love. That's GREAT! Finding love is wonderful. And there's so many places and people with whom you can find love with. Why hold yourself back or limit your options? Love that man, who happens to be white. But don't just love love him because he's a white man! And even if you do just love him for his paleness why are you so insecure that you would need to take a swipe at your own on your way out the door?

You mad, girl? Real mad?

How is it open-minded to make sweeping generalizations based on stereotypes about both black and white men as if white men held the monopoly on male competence? Maybe the coasts are full of these Unicorn Clooneys, but I'm from the Midwest and the South, jack. And the white men there seem to be just regular men. Their sweat doesn't taste like honey and their breath doesn't smell like cinnamon. When they open their eyes in the morning they don't fill the world with goodnerss and light. They're just human. Some are good and others are awful. Black men are the same mixed bag of beautiful and hot mess, sometimes at the same time.

Also every one of the author's critiques could have easily been twisted into "8 Reasons Why Black Men Should Date White Women." And it would all boil down to the same thing -- they don't carry the burden. Like, you could flip it and say:

"A lot of black women grow up without father figures, breeding unchecked resentment and distrust against black men. White women often have had their father in their lives and are more likely to be the product of two-parent homes, therefore less bitter and more hopeful about love and romance."

I mean. Really. Not hard.

God, it's so awful and hard being black. Don't you wish you could just opt out?

Especially with all these no good baby making, illegitmate, ignorant-ass, bitter, fatherless, mentally defective, broke black men and women around. They all just suck. And kicking a bunch of folks who are already down just feels ... so ... good ... to ... me.

It feels good to get up to my perch and point down and laugh at those dumbasses as they stay in the struggle. Bumbling around. Trying to make connections. Trying to love and live and grow. Bumping around in the dark without flashlights. I want to point and laugh at them. I want to mock them. I want to put my foot on their necks and watch them as they wince in pain. I want to set them all on fire and watch them burn. Because I'm not really capable of love. Because I'm actually more fucked up than the dumbasses bumping around in the dark. Because I don't treat people like people, but like objects. Like things I collect. This white man looks so good with my bootleg Prada and this white woman looks so great in my Lexus. Oh, do I actually love him/her? Maybe. I mean, I love my Prada/Lexus, so I might be able to love him/her.

But not really.

Cause I sure as hell don't love me. How could I love someone as messed up as me? It's much better to hide my self-hate by throwing it up on those unsuspecting victims who don't even know me. Telling them "dey ain't shit," when really I think I'm not worth shit. You say you had a happy functional relationship with a black person that was loving and rewarding? Well, screw you! I hate you! You're distrupting my bleak-ass world of pain, where romantic partners are things, not people. Where home is where the hatred is. Where every man cheats and every woman is petty and lies and you won't convince me otherwise.

Mmm. Where did you get these crabs? From Maine, you say? Oh my God. These are the best I've ever eaten. And with the drawn butter and the sauce?

Just divine.

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Reader Comments (54)

"8 Reasons Why Black Men Should Date White Women."

I think that one was published 30 years ago.

I don't approve, but one group is doing considerably more of the kicking. It matters, because when black men do get their sh--t together and are successful, they tend to have more professional and romantic options than do black women.

Moreover, many black men seem to ENJOY running down black women. I don't hear black women comics going off on black men the way black men do about black women. Who's the black woman equivalent of Medea? While we're on the subject, who's the white, Asian, Hispanic/Latino version of Medea? There is none. Because nobody knocks their women the way black men do.

I remember an article about a black guy who had created a ridiculous private dating club that accepted any black man, but only good-looking, young black women with the good jobs. He made incredibly sexist comments about black women in general and talked about how his wife was at the gym daily to keep her "butt tight for him." He said that black women couldn't retaliate because no one wanted them; he specifically said that white men wouldn't date them.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterReader

LOL!!!!!! You are hilarious. I know this is really a serious topic but you just said it all and in a funny way. Whomever wrote that list, has alot of self-hate. Very sad and sickening.

I really cant stand when "we" speak so negatively about "ourselves" its pretty sad. Like you said there are good and bad men and women in every race. Not just in the black race. I know so many highly educated, loving black men and it makes me sooooo happy to see that. I also know so many triffling, uneducated black men....but I know alot of white men that fit into those same catergories, sooooo hows about sticking to dealing with people on an individual basis based on who they are and not by the color of their skin.
Hmmm, novel idea I guess.

Keep up the good work, Snob!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

Love the sarcastic tone of your post, Snob! It's clear Madame Noire just wanted to drive up her page views, so she went to the go-to topic to get it-YAWN.

Nothing is absolute, so I know I'll find white men who are damaged, uneducated, baby-making, fiscally ignorant, deadbeats too. We women need to just be discerning all around, and not tolerate BS in any form, whether its from black men, white men, Asian men, so on.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNo nonsense

Funny as usual, Snob. But you gave it way more oxygen than it deserved.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisalisa

@ Lisalisa

Oh, I can totally see your point there, but this post was actually done by request. I had so many people ask me to weigh in so I decided to give the people what then wanted.

A good ol' fashioned rant.

October 4, 2010 | Registered CommenterDanielle Belton

I was one of them people asking the SNOB to weigh in....and I so enjoyed reading it. Thank you gurrrrl. You wrote what I wanted to say and couldnt say it so amazingly rantacious.

p.s. If dating/marrying white dudes is all of that...ummm why was Jade asking Dr"theDevil"Laura for advice on her..Oh so white hubby who wasnt so sensitive to her racial sensitivities? we all know how that saga ended *yawns*

October 4, 2010 | Registered Commenterstylishgurl

Very Good Snob. Enjoyed this Post!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterel

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

I was actually dumb enough to click over to the 'Reasons' post (which should probably come labeled with a 'Trigger Warning for Ignorance' tag), and I nearly rolled my eyes out of my head going, "REALLY? In this day in age, people are this stupid?"

It's really, really difficult to put members of your own race/culture/gender down without revealing your own insecurities in the process. I think it's similar to when I hear my girl friends complaining that "Women are such catty bitches, UGH!" The only think going through my head is, "Are you not seeing how that statement reflects you, too?" It's taking everything a patriarchy uses to shame us (look at any bad rom com), internalizing it, and spitting it back out. And in an America that holds NO punches in showing black people as stupid, lazy, etc., turning around and saying, "Yes, black men, this is why I don't want you" really doesn't do anyone a bit of good.

I hope the author of that post learns to see that.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

That original 8 reasons post was the saddest bit of stereotyping and self-hatred I've seen in awhile. Not one original thought in the whole thing. If she really thinks white men aren't on the DL, she oughta go to the m4m section on Craigslist and run a search for "MWM".

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAntonio

This post was spot on and that article was ridiculous. I am a black woman I have dated men of all colors -white, black, yellow, Puerto Rican and Haitian, to borrow a phrase (I ended up marrying the Haitian ;). They all had their issues. Some of the white men dogged me worse than the black men did. White men are not the answer. Women just need to find someone who will treat them with the love and respect that they deserve. If the man is green, but treats you like a queen, he is a keeper! We waste so much time tearing ourselves down, that we don't focus on the real issues that are really holding us back. Sometimes I just have to shake my head at the nonsense.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNana

The thing is, stereotypes are rooted in some degree of truth.

And a lot of what the woman said IS true, and I have friends who have husbands of other races because they got tired of dealing with some or all of the eight things listed. Is it all black men? Of course not. But it's enough. The fact is a lot of black men DO make babies everywhere - I'm in Washington DC and I have yet to meet one who didn't have kids all over the place - they do lie about their sexuality at a rate far higher than white men, some of them are threatened by educated sisters and they DO take everything as an affront to their manliness. Black men have made it known for years that they have options and explore them - and women should too. And besides, black men make no qualms about their issues with black women. They do it every chance they get.

Like I said of course you can't apply everything the chick said to every black man, but the reality of it is a LOT of what she said is the gospel truth, and for some reason we as black folks don't want to admit it.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBird

Girl, you are on FIRE! PREACH!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRachel

Snob I'm agreeing with the first poster. I guess that recent mEssence issue really got you women on your knees. Meh. I'm gonna re-post what she said so that you all get the message. It's a man's world, and black men aren't hurting as much as they say. This was also mentioned on on Clutch Magazine. I guess Groupthink really does work.


"8 Reasons Why Black Men Should Date White Women."

I think that one was published 30 years ago.

I don't approve, but one group is doing considerably more of the kicking. It matters, because when black men do get their sh--t together and are successful, they tend to have more professional and romantic options than do black women.

Moreover, many black men seem to ENJOY running down black women. I don't hear black women comics going off on black men the way black men do about black women. Who's the black woman equivalent of Medea? While we're on the subject, who's the white, Asian, Hispanic/Latino version of Medea? There is none. Because nobody knocks their women the way black men do.

I remember an article about a black guy who had created a ridiculous private dating club that accepted any black man, but only good-looking, young black women with the good jobs. He made incredibly sexist comments about black women in general and talked about how his wife was at the gym daily to keep her "butt tight for him." He said that black women couldn't retaliate because no one wanted them; he specifically said that white men wouldn't date them."

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCiderkiss

A lot of what this Madame Noire said in her post was true, unfortunately. It's also true that just about any group of people can come up with such a list within their culture/subculture. I think it just depends on what kinds of people you tend to meet (class, education, etc.) and what you're willing to deal/put up with. Even when black men succeed on a socio-economic level, they still tend to date/marry "out" at a high rate. The only group that dates/marries out at a higher level than black men is Asian women. And Asian men have a lot to say about and against that phenomenon in their blogs, although they usually don't resort to putting down Asian women (probably because they know that won't help their cause with Asian women)!

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSandra77

Great post. Some of the commenters here are still missing the point. If you think that immature list of nonsense was based on "truth", you have way more problems than the people you are trying to criticize.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdewfish

*shakes head*

I'm a black woman and I'm dating a white man NOT because I hate black men but because he happens to be the man I fell in love with. It makes me sad when I hear people "date out" because they hate those of their own race! That's disturbing on so many levels. Just because I'm dating a white man doesn't mean I'm condemning black men or any other race of men. My relationship isn't about anyone else but the two of us. People want to bring their insecurities into our relationship on a daily basis (we live in the south) but we have to put on a brave face and be better than them. I've heard and taken a lot of shit from random people...both black and white for my relationship. Some even in my own family and I get tired of it sometimes.

When did love become an issue of race? Or even sexual orientation? Love is love. The heart wants what it wants and people need to get over it.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVegetarian Cannibal

I found this post very entertaining Snob, So thanks.
I agree with dewfish - it sounds as if people are totally missing the boat on this issue but meh - it's bound to happen. People will only catch the first half of what you say because they are so busy thinking about their response.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMim

Enjoyed the post! Good bit of sarcasm.

@ Reader
I see you are of the school of 'that is wrong but they did it first.' I'm a brother and i think lists running down brothers are stupid of course. Also if this post was about sisters being run down i would criticise without trying to justify.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThomas

hit dogs will holler.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLOL

These bitter BW have hijacked a lot of the black women blogs SMH. Why haven't they found their yt husband yet so they can finally shut the hell up

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterpoliticallyincorrect

You are a brilliant writer, Danielle. Sarcasm is the only way to address this kind of nonsense.

Vegetarian Cannibal makes a great point. It is never a good idea to date with intention of "escaping" someone (or something) else. It is a very unhealthy way to start a relationship and sets one up for problems later. As a black man I have no problem with sisters dating or marrying "out" of the race. Each person is required to determine their own formula for happiness. I don't worry about who other people date.

I do get irritated with all the stereotypes, though. It's old and played out. Life is too short. At some point we have to get over ourselves.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterT. Rogers

Again, SOMEBODY git dis gurl a brand spanking new fully loaded laptop fo dat birthday! C'mon people, somebody's got some connections and/or cash.

Snob, you rock! Thank you for this post.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe_A

Very good post Snob.

It is terrible when someone can hate themselves so much that they reflect that hate back on everyone who looks like them. If people want to date outside their ethnicity that's fine and dandy. But don't attempt to justify your decision by deriding your own people. When you feel the need to do that, it speaks volumes about your motives for "dating out" in the first place.

On the flip side, while I'm positive that there are plenty of black women who agree with the article word-for-word (as well as black men who beleive the same about black women), I''m not quite sure the writer feels this way for real. She stated that she's married to a black man. I think she just wrote this article for shock value and to get more hits on her site.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMommieDearest

I'm sorry, but we all know that a lot of what that woman said is the gospel truth. She never said that there aren't DL white men. But to claim that the DL phenomenon is not prevalent in the black community is just plain denial. No, not every single white man has a degree. But it's a stone fact that they are more likely to graduate from college than a black man is. She never said that every white man marries and takes care of his family, but it's true that there are far more black men who don't marry the women they get pregnant. It's a fact that more black men walk out on the children they create.

Folks may not like what she said, but to claim these are just some ugly lies is ridiculous. What she said was true. Are there black men who are on point and handle their business. Of course. But let's not act like the majority of black men are graduating from college. Let's not act like the majority of black men value marriage. Let's not act like the majority of black men are in the home helping to raise their children.

I don't see anything wrong with what Madame Noir wrote. If you're an educated black women who values education and the traditional family and you want to be married and have children, you'll have a better chance of finding those similar values in a man who is not black.

We can act like this stuff isn't true, but it is.

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKels

Snob, thank you. I read that article and thought geez whiz, thanks for giving all us black women who have dated or married IR a bad name. I don't hate black men, I have a black father, black brothers, and black nephews and they are wonderful men that I love. But I just happened to date and fall in love with blue eyed Norweigan/Swede who reminds me of my father. Like Vegatarian Cannibal our relationship has nothing to do with anyone but us and I don't have to hate or talk about anyone else to love him. That article just brought out the worst in everyone, the sniping and hate on both sides was sickening. Why does it seem that this kind of ridiculousness only happen between black men and black women. People have the right to marry and date who they want, love is hard enough to find without putting requirements on it of who it's supposed to be with. Enjoy your life and realize that IR dating is also more than black and white. There's a much better article on Madame Noire about the subject of IR dating, less sensational and more well thought out but of course no one seems to have read that one. SMH

October 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEugenia
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