OMG... Why are they this way? When my hair dries it looks like Rotini. So you have the, "Wow, you have good hair" fetishists. Then you have the, "WHY DON'T YOU EVER STRAIGHTEN YOUR HAIR (ANYMORE)?" fetishists. To be honest, I used to prefer my hair long and straight but my brief stint of living in Atlanta turned me against it. My hair wasn't even that long, it was a hair cut and I still was faced with the scalp rapists. I couldn't take it. I chopped that shit off. Then, because I got tired of my family telling me that I couldn't pull off short hair (a short straight bob), I chopped all the relaxer out. My hair is a nice length now and most wouldn't know nor will they ever know. I love my curls. It's pretty straight but I think my hair is pretty always. It's mine. lol. I'm so sick of people telling me, "You have such a nice 'grade' of hair. Why don't you just straighten it or get a 'baby perm'? It would look so nice." No, it looks nice now.

You know who's even worse than the black men, the non-black ones who think all black women either have nappy hair or weaves so a debate has to ensue about my hair. "How did you get it 'like that'?" *petpetMOLESTpetpet* I don't understand, it's just hair. I'm glad I'm medium skinned, I might have to become violent.

Thank you for pointing this out, b/c I'm tired of seeing all of these discussions where black women are put down as "CRAZY" b/c of our hair issues, like we made it all up or created it ourselves. We are like the Rodney Dangerfields of the planet; we get no respect. Of course we are cuter than he was :-)

Thank you for posting this. I have that problem rather my hair be short or long. One time I even had a woman ask me was I black? I was so taken off guard with that statement. If a man can only see me for my hair then he should go date a wig and not me. Women also add to the problem because they will molest my hair also and make statement "if I had your hair" What if you had my hair? My hair is just my hair, it is not who am I. I wear my hair straight or curly depending on my mood, but people judge me rather I have it straight or curly. Don't get me started on the random people who will attempt to touch without asking.

"Black men have just as many hair issues about black women's hair as black women do."

ABSO-FRIGGIN-LUTELY. It's sickening, actually. :-/

My boyfriend and I get into this discussion from time to time and he swears up and down that the power is in our (black women's) hands. That if we were all to just go natural, black men would "come around" and follow. This is his indirect way of laying the issue at our feet and blaming us.

The hair issue has many dimensions, so I won't say it's simply about black men, but at the same time, it irritates me when they try to step out of it as if they have no part in this. The way many black women see it, we're supplying a demand. The demand: a woman that is physically and socially becoming. Who exactly decides what is beautiful in a larger sense? Definitely not us.

I wanna Tweet this!

The Mustafa reference was funny! Having had dated a rainbow of cultures - and spanning different age cohorts - in the past 15 years, I can't think of any partner, date or friend who has mentioned my hair. Strangers, yes, but even that's rare.

In that span of time my hair went from naturally braided to permed straight then back to natural with afros 'n locs. Throw in some color, some cutting, some extensions, some locing and there you have it.

I've only heard my daughter and my 30-something year old cousin tell their experiences about how their friends try to play up in their hair. I know it happens (and I let my daughter know that people shouldn't be touching her ANYWHERE unless they ask her since it's an important sign of respect). It just doesn't happen to me.

Lots of hair posts over here these days, it seems.

Boy am I glad you posted this- I was soo tempted several times to put this on "hot topics". I care to an extent what my employer /teachers , etc think of my hair, to a far lesser extent what other [black] women think- but the the driving *external* force in my hair choices have been MEN. Black Men from Detorit, the south side of Chicago,West L.A, the Northen part of Sudan etc.

I wonder how many minutes of film time in Chris Rocks movie will investigate this aspect? Obviously his concern for the Indian chick who might be attached by black women wanting to scalp her is touching, but will he look closer to home?

A-fucking-men!!! I'm not really light-skinned, but my hair is waist-length when flat-ironed and the comments I get for it are pretty sad. I'm always suspicious of any attention I get from men because, usually, it's my long hair that they're attracted to. And I hate being *that girl* you know? I get major side-eye from other Black women all the time but I can't even get mad at it. The comparative privilege given to ong-haired/light-skinned BW is just flat out depressing. I'm still working on not fetishizing it my own damn self.

Thanks for the post from the light-skinned/long-haired perspective. I understand that, just like with white people and racism, it's hard for out-siders to see and understand issues that affect others. I'm at an age where I feel like I've pretty much overcome my "hair issues", so I'm more concerned with my daughters not having those same issues. This is why I'm glad that this "good hair/lightskinned" issue is finally being discussed more openly so that we can pretty much "air it out" and hopefully...get over it.

So personally, whenever my daughters come to me saying I wish I had longer hair, blue eyes, lighter skin (or insert any beauty standard that's constantly reinforced in american culture) like Becky, Sue or Tina...I simply reinforce to them that:

1)They're beautiful just as God made them
2) "Good" hair is the hair that got put on their heads and it's "good" as long as it's clean and healthy
3) If they want the hair (the skin, the eyes, etc) then they must take the entire package with it...so basically: don't think those features will make their lives any better than yours or problem free.

But outside of my home (and on TV of course), my message is countered by the individuals that you speak of in your post. And once again I stress that these issues don't begin at age 18...so don't think the children don't notice adults fawning over the lighter skinned/longer haired child. And don't think they don't hear the "I hope she doesn't get any darker" or "I hope the hair stays that texture"..when black adults are commenting about black babies.

These disparaging views are ingrained in our culture...and like it or not it affects our children's self-image. I've just accepted as a mom of medium skinned toned girls with type 4a/4b textured hair that I'll have to work a little harder to make sure that they have a healthy self-image and sense of self-worth.

Oh and I soooo meant to write that:

"Good Hair" is the hair that GOD put on their heads...

I just wish everyone could get over long hair as being considered more attractive, I've never had short hair in my life and I'm almost 30. My husband says he'd be fine with it but it would be a "down-grade" IHO because long hair just looks better to him in general.

It is really creepy how obsessed some black men are with long hair. In college a male friend of mine asked how long my hair was and I said shoulder length. Well when I finally wore it down he freaked out and starting gushing because it was longer than he was expecting. "Why didn't you tell me your hair was this long, blah blah" like I was supposed to have given him exact measurements, it shouldn't be that big a deal. When I wore my hair texlaxed the guy I was dating wanted to know how long it would be if I straightened it. Does a few inches of perceived hair length really have that much effect on my attractiveness?

I don't know but I feel that making this a Black men vs. Black women thing doesn't help. I think Black people in general are socialized to worship long str8 hair. The blame for long hair worship should be placed on a society that says your natural hair is ugly and unless you conform to another standard of beauty you will not be attractive.

So both Black men and women are victims in this case I think.

Wow. hair molestation.

I never really thought about it that way. So true & its such a creepy violation of personal space. I remember being on business travel having dinner @ the bar by myself after a very long day. Two old ass playas showed up on either side of me molesting my hair like I'm a chia pet. This is while I'm getting the 'hey baby what's your name' bs. I couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!

No matter how a black women wears her hair, there is someone who, often vocally, has a problem with it. Chris Rock wouldn't take on that angle because its easier to just joke about women being crazy.

This is my 2nd time going natural and the response is what I expected. BW love it, BM - meh. LOL. I do not believe it is a us (bm v bw) versus them kind of thing with this issue. What is being examined here is the fascination of black men with hair they themselves are generally not born with and their inability for some to say honestly, yes we too get caught up in the matrix. Black women are NOT crazy for noting how men, bm in particular react to their beauty. More and more light skinned black women with long hair are speaking up about this "preference" and are stating that it is foul and they are offended by it.

I think as we begin to re-examine ourselves, our beliefs, our culture etc., there are going to be instances where both genders accepted ideas that we really shouldn've adopted. When it came to our hair (which I think you should wear whichever way you want, by the by) it is a touchy subj. because of the history of it and the implied and sometimes stated idea that it is ugly and undeirable because it is not the norm for everyone else. And there in lies the rub. We are not the norm, we are uniquely beautiful, but some form of the "norm" is more highly desired. On some level the suggestion of not good enough is being suggested. To have so many bm have this preferene and not examine what they are saying to us and the world at large is painful.

I dont wear my hair down because of the "molestation". Males and females have been touching and pawing at it since I was a child and Im tired of it. The weirdest was a neighbor who kept asking if he could wash it for me. NO

No one other than me has styled or cut my hair in 17 years, I dont even like STYLISTS fawning over it. Its the half fawning and half horror at the quanity of hair I have that bugs me. Just wash it and be quiet,ok?

I wont date men with a hair fixation.

"The weirdest was a neighbor who kept asking if he could wash it for me."

that's really creepy

i have to agree that it's not just black men.... it's all people (black women included)... long hair/light skin is praised and hailed as the best in all cultures. my mexican/italian boss made a comment to me yesterday that she wishes she had hair like blond women. i had to ask what she meant because i've seen people with blond hair that is straight, nappy, short, long. she's like you know, long, blond, bone straight hair. people tend be fetishists of what they don't have. skinny chicks want to have hips and boobs, big girls want to be skinny, short people want to be tall, tall people want to blend in. it's very (EXTREMELY) rare to find a person that's happy with what they have. i've rarely heard light skinned black men get all crazy over light skinned girls.... or men with "curly" hair go crazy over girls with "curly" hair.

however, i believe your last statement was the most poignant part of your piece. "There is nothing wrong with being an admirer of a particular type of woman, but you shouldn't disparage other women or berate the woman you claim to love for not living up to your video girl fantasies." AMEN!

Wow, this column some much reminded me of the "Emperor's New Clothes" tale. Since no one is breaking the news to you, Danielle, I'm almost tempted to. Oh, well, nevermind. Hee, hee

a few days ago, my husband and stopped at our neighbourhood market to grab dinner.
we encountered a friend of a friend and his friend. i proceeded to shop while they chatted.
my husband revealed on the ride home, rather angrily, that the f-o-a-f asked him if
he was *still with the same wife.*
apparently, this cat didn't recgonise me since my hair had been straightened!
and what infuriated my husband is that he classified them as *hair dudes* (or some term a bit more blue) who only look at women with straightened or long hair. there was probably some other meat to their exchange which made him even more angry but he mercifully failed to share.

my husband has hair issues, too, but probably the opposite of what we assign most brothers. he grew up with two light skinned sisters with long hair. but he has always gravitated toward short hair. so if my hair touches my ear, he might look at me sideways. he offers to cut off five inches of my hair after shaving his head or trimming his beard. he always looks excited after i wash my hair and leave it *alone*. this helps since i am a 'fro vet (rockin' it since '91{holla-holla}) so this was non-negotiable. this is going to be the case 90% of the time.
he doesnt chastise me when i do grow my hair or wear it straight, he merely prefers it short
because he can see my lovely face. awwww.

there are dudes who may honestly prefer short or natural hair, natural being curly or fuzzy or kinky or nappy or buzzed with no psychological baggage attached. it could be because it is true and honest and it can because it is what makes us who we are. i've only met about three of them but.....

I don't understand the whole long hair thing. Both Halle Berry and Rihanna careers exploded after cutting their hair. I'm brown skinned some may consider me light skin and I never had long hair growing up. It was never short but it was never really long or thick until a few years ago. I changed hair dressers and my hair began to flourish. I got some looks from black men admiring my hair. The black male security guard from the office building called me beautiful everyday and some of the white men in my office took more notice as well. I have since gone natural, I have about 6 inches of hair when stretched so it's not extremely long and I get just as many stares from black men and white men as I did when I had a perm so I just think it depends on the man. A lot of black men have this hair issue but many do not. It could also be the fact that I live in NYC which is a city that might be more accepting of natural hair.

And this is exactly why people in the the beauty supply/wig weave industry are financially set for life.

We are or (a whole lot) of us are replying the call to black men's or others needs.

Sad but true

Can't we as we just ignore those nignorant black men who openly display such shallowness. If you can be that outwardly shallow and admit that you want somebody lite bright then does that person even deserve the time of day?

As long as black women buy into this three pronged trap of society, our men, and what will other's think BS we'll never be happy.