To The People Who Are Blaming Steve McNair ... (Guest Post)
Damon at This May Concern You has a few words for the people who blame murdered ex-NFL quarterback Steve McNair for his own demise
By Damon
You all should have stopped before your started. But since you didn’t, I’ll ask you to silence yourselves now.
No, I’m not foolish enough to paint Steve McNair as some “holier than thou” figure. He needs to be remembered as a human who did a little great, some good and some bad. It’s obvious he didn’t walk on water, make it so the blind could see or heal the sick.
He was human. Frankly, I don’t care how you look at him, so long as you don’t look at him as though he caused his own death.
No one should be simple enough to say that McNair, the former NFL quarterback found dead this weekend, did himself in through his actions. That’s like saying “he got what he had coming.” I’m sorry, but death is a steep price to pay for adultery. Usually it’s divorce, alimony, child support and/or reconciliation.
From what we now know, though, the 20-year-old woman he was dating outside of his marriage blew a gasket or six. Sahel Kazemi allegedly put two bullets in his head and two in his chest before killing herself.
Why did she do it? Because she — not McNair — lost it. Why did she lose it? People will be speculating about that for some time unless a suicide note shows up somewhere.
Still, you all have begun lambasting McNair because he was an adulterer. Some of you have turned it into “a cautionary tale” for cheating men. That’s not what this is. It’s a tragic example of someone not getting her/his way and deciding to take control via the worst possible means. Sure, the wages of sin is death. But adultery doesn’t beget murder.
We’ve all been tried before. We’ve all had our buttons pushed by our own personal George Jetsons to a point where we wanted to hurl fine China as though it were a Spacely’s Sprocket. But even with all his threats, Mr. Spacely never killed Jetson. He may have thought about it, but never did.
Likewise, most of us remove ourselves from trying circumstances via means that aren’t volatile. We leave and move on with our lives.
Kazemi chose to end theirs. That’s where your negative thoughts concerning this issue should lay — on her decision to end lives. Men and women cheat every day. Some fools skip continents and go missing in action from political offices to maintain affairs with their “soulmates” (see: Mark Sanford).
Yet, it isn’t the right of the wife or husband, the adulterer or the adulteress to take the life of any person involved in the situation because he or she isn’t happy and wants to alter the outcome with haste. Sanford’s wife had plenty of options, but Option “Finish Him” wasn’t one that computed. I wonder why?
Still, this purported form of life-taking vengeance takes place daily. This weekend, it was a well-respected athlete — with a marital flaw shared by many — who happened to be victimized.
Yes, he is a victim. Not the one at fault. Saying “he got what he deserved” or “maybe this will stop men from cheating” is almost like saying that if put in Kazemi’s position, you might make a Truman Capote novel out of your lover, too. See how insane that reads?
Be a better caretaker of your own words. Don’t allow them to justify Kazemi’s actions. Don’t blame McNair for his death. Instead, fault the Level 10 crazy person who was weak enough to take McNair’s life instead of being patient enough to fall back with grace and humility. Let this be the lesson learned from this tragedy: You can choose to walk away from negative situations.
If you need something to think about, focus your minds and hearts on McNair’s wife and four children. Unlike the Sanfords, they had their choice of family/fatherhood stripped away from them. But also lament Kazemi’s loved ones as well. They, too, are mourning a loss.
These are the unfortunate consequences of murder and suicide, not adultery. People are people, and we’re all going to die. But no one deserves death because he/she is an adulterer.
Sincerely,
Damon
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This letter originally appeared on the blog This May Concern You.
crime, deaths, guest blogger, murder, sports, steve mcnair 
Reader Comments (77)
McNair is a victim and he didn't deserve to die, but his choices do deserve condemnation. If he had lived, and been outed as a cheater, I'd still be calling him out as a man without priniciples. Unfortunately, his lack of principles contributed to his demise.
This situation is analogous to the drunken rape victim, who having consumed entirely too much alcohol, finds herself subject to a date rapist who takes advantage of her compromised state. It's still rape and the rapist needs to be prosecuted. But it's ridiculous to act like bad choices did not contribute to it.
For every action there is a reaction. For every cause there is an effect. He was cheating...he was not at home with his family. He had chose to carry on a relationship with a woman...who in turn killed him. Again if he had not had her in his life he might very well be alive today. I am not happy to hear about his death. I feel sorry for him, his wife and the young woman's family. Again he's a victim...who helped to aide and abet his own situation. It's an all around sad and sordid outcome...and men need to think twice...you may be in it only for the fun...but guess what she may not be...you want only to pay the retail price of the setup BUT there is always hidden cost...that's life.
I completely agree with Khia213, Mr. McNair was not the victim in this situation. Does anyone deserve to die per se, no but everyone will die at some point in life and I believe that we don't get to choose how we die. I am sure in a perfect world he would have loved to die at a ripe old age of 95 while he was sleeping but the circumstances surrounding his death happened because he was at the wrong place at the wrong time and with the WRONG person.
I've been in a situation with my husband where i've wanted to kill him because he wasn't sure if he wanted to uphold his marital vows. What I don't hear in this article is that his wife now has to live the rest of her life knowing that her husband was killed by the other woman he was DATING. How is she to explain this to her children? How is she supposed to get through her life not having had the opportunity to deal with this situation with her husband and having a chance to reconcile if she wanted to?
It's a bad situation all the way around, no one can dispute that and maybe there were signs of her craziness prior to now but he chose to disregard them because the situation was benefitting him. Who knows-no one does. But what we do know is that he was wrong and the girl was wrong. Cheating is wrong and it has all types of consequences. No one wants to admit that death may be a result of infidelity. This isn't the first time a man has been killed due to infidelity but because he was a high profile football player, there's been so much emphasis on this case. Lets examine all the other men who lost their lives to this exact same thing and compare the amount of press time they received. This type of violence isn't new and I think that people need to put the situation in perspective. If we are going to mourn over this loss, lets mourn over all the other men who lost their lives by being in the same situation.
Damon, my brother, you sound like a man who has cheated plenty in his life and is trying to defend this poor "victim" of a man. Surely, literal physical death was not warranted. But did you ever stop to consider the spiritual and emotional death of his wife and family -- which inevitably took place? What about the apparent mental death of that sick woman who committed the murder? What pushed her off the edge, I wonder? Mr. McNair paid the price for his moronic actions with his physical life. Others may still be breathing, but they are doubtlessly dead inside. What's the difference? Stop trying to defend men who think and act like dogs. Grow up.
If McNair hadn't been cheating, something he presumably knew was wrong but chose to do anyway he wouldn't have been in the position to be killed in the first place. His death is tragic but so were his choices.
I wonder why Damon is so defensive about this? hum?
Anyway I don't agree that McNair derserved to die but basically what he did was like standing in the middle of a busy highway and expecting not to get hit by a car. It was just plain stupid what he did. Cheating with a 20 year old (she was 19 when he met her), taking her on vacays (and he barely knew her), co-signing on a truck (she couldn't pay the note) and then she caught him cheating on her (yes he was cheating not only on his wife but his mistress too).
McNair used very poor judgement and if he had used better judgement 9 times out of 10 he would still be alive right now.
I feel sorry for his kids...who is going to explain to them that their father was killed by his mistress, pitiful.
No he did not deserve to die...but when you play with fire you get burned.
Wow people, let he who is within sin cast the first stone? Ever heard of that? NO one, regardless of their actions deserves to die in such a way. Are you saying anyone who cheats deserves and/or is asking to be shot? That seems extreme.
Cheating is akin to standing in the middle of a busy freeway? No, the correct analogy was that he was standing in a driveway that was not his when someone chose to run him down... in his sleep, four times.
Everyone agrees that he was wrong for the actions that put him in that situation but that doesn't make him any less of a victim.
I meant to type let he who is without sin
Death is a steep price to pay for being a douche and i completely agree with that. But, to echo the previous comments, lets not act like "he was a victim". This is the same guy cheating on his wife and family. What about them? Are they not victims? To compound the situation, he was cheating on his mistress? How low can you get? And you are surprised this entire situation had a tragic end? Wow really? Were we supposed to automatically feel sorry for him cause he was shot by his mistress whom he was cheating on? These things don't just happen out of nowhere. He set things in motion. And unfortunately, his family has to deal with the fall out.
And you need to stop cheating...don't even try to deny that you don't. Hisss!
No he did not deserve to be murdered. But Damon how can you say "the wages of sin is death" but then say adultery doesn't beget death, even if that death occurs by force? It’s spelled out quite plainly, thou shalt not commit adultery, its a commandment. Meaning its on God's Top Ten list of things NOT to do. And when He says the cost for your sin, especially these 10 could be death, yeah, He pretty much means it. We all sin and fall short of the glory, most of the time we are blessed to be spared by God's grace and mercy; sometimes that blessing is not always extended. I feel sorry that his sons not only lost their father, but that they also had to find out he had so little character at the same time. And I hadn't heard the part about him cheating on the mistress too, but sadly its not surprising.
To me this is also a cautionary tale for professional athletes about the sense of entitlement that is built into their lives pretty much from day one. Just because you are blessed with athletic ability does not give you the right to do whatever you want, whenever you want without consequence.
I'm a big believer in you have to live in this world. You have to be careful in your dealings with people because you never know when you will run up on a straight up lunatic.
This was confirmed for me with the McNair murder.
I'm at a lost as to why so many men feel the need to defend his outrageous behavior off the field.
Let's be real here most 18 and 19 year olds are not worldly enough to recognize men like McNair for who they really are. Especially if they are struggling make ends meet working at Dave and Buster's. He was so smooth with his. He hooked her easily because he was experienced in the game.
I wouldn't be surprised if the scenerio played over and over again over the course of six months with him. He would pick a younger woman (never over the age of 24), probably someone naive and blinded by his star power. He would lie to her daily (I'm leaving my wife). To pull her in, he would buy trinkets and take her on trips (If I didn't care deeply about you or love you, I wouldn't be here right?), be seen in public with her, then he'd pull out the big guns (introduce her friends and maybe even some family members), and then he'd pull out the bigger guns: the spanking new Escalade. Why wouldn't she think that he wanted to be with her if he bought her an expensive car? She doesn't realize that the reason he put in both of their names was so he could take it back and trade it in when he gets ready to trade her in. And he lays it on heavily until he meets the next chick or the girl starts to ask questions (i.e, starts to act crazy).
A older woman with some experience still might be taken in by the BS but at the end of the day she would shake it off and keep it moving.
But for a naive woman (okay, stupid woman) who was not cynical or jaded and not aware that there are people in this world who think nothing of using others and tossing them aside like a used tissue, it can be devastating blow.
That's what I think happened. McNair was so used to treating these young women like crap, it probably never occurred to him that one would do something other than stalk him or scream at him. It's not like she could kick his ass. The worst he felt she could do was tell his wife. So what. She wouldn't be the first and he, foolishly, thought she wouldn't be the last.
McNair's arrogance was his folly. It never occurred to him that one would put a bullet up his ass. It never occurred to him to change the locks. It never occurred to him that he shouldn't take a nap with a distraught woman in the next room, It's as if he never heard of Al Green and hot grits.
I do hope this tragedy serves as a lesson to all men.
And that girl. The more I read about her, the more it bothers me. Yes, she worked at D and B's but before dealing with McNair, she would have two or three jobs. It's hard to keep side hustles, if you are taking off to do things like go parasailing with a former football player. When he got ready to dump her, I think she realized what she had given up. She didn't give herself the opportunity to meet other men and realize that life doesn't end with heartbreak and life doesn't end when everything crumbles around you. You grieve and then you put it behind you and you end up wiser for the experience. Stupid, stupid girl.
I can't wait for the other baby mamas to come forward.
The path of least resistence make both men and rivers crooked...
Like with anything in life, you can take the easy route or you can be uncomfortable for the moment and do what is right in the long run. Eventually, s!@# will catch up with you.
I'm not a homer. I don't know McNair. Thought he was a good NFL quarterback. That's it. I'm not defending manhood. I'm defending life. I'm defending sanity. And I'm defending the idea of long suffering.
When someone cross you or does something to upset you, you do not kill them. That is what I'm saying. Sure your actions have consequences. But adultery doesn't beget murder. like I said.
Separate the two. Blame him for being an adulterer. Blame the girl for not understanding how to walk away, and deciding that she wanted to put four bullets in him. Blaming him for his own demise gives license to any person who is in a similar situation as the wife or the mistress to go ahead and just kill because they're not getting they're way.
Taking someone's life is one of the worst decision you can ever make. Adultery is bad, but it's not as bad as murder. You can reconcile after adultery. You can't recant murder-suicide. That's why two families are in mourning now.
@Damon, I agree with you. The man did not deserve to die or get his "just desserts" by dying. She had no right to do what she did and if she hadn't killed herself she'd be sitting in jail right now. Just b/c she was young doesn't mean she wasn't able to think for herself and realize that this might just be bogus that he would leave his family.
Wow.. didn't know that there was a point system for sin?
The bottom line is that Mr. McNair made poor choices, and those that must now deal with the consequences of the choices that HE made are his wife and children. They are the victims, those are the people that my heart goes out to.
If he had been a faithful husband he would be alive.
Check it out Damon. Adultery can lead to death.
Deuteronomy 22:22 "If a man is found sleeping with another man's wife, both the man who slept with her and the woman must die."
Leviticus 20:10 "If a man commits adultery with another man's wife--with the wife of his neighbor--both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death."
Proverbs 6:32 "But a man who commits adultery lacks judgment; whoever does so destroys himself."
Damon, thou shalt not kill and thou shalt not commit adultery are BOTH commandments, in God's eyes they ARE equal. It is a shame that in your eyes and in the eyes of our ever morally bankrupt society, they are not.
Even though I posted those adultery scriptures, I don't believe McNair died because it was an unfaithful husband.
I think he died because he was a user and had little regard for women in general. If he considered women more than playthings, he would not have put himself in that dangerous position.
I would seriously doubt that he would have been that careless in his dealings with men.
What if McNair was a crack addict? What if he died of an overdose? Would you say his choice to abuse drugs led to his death? Of course you would, I see no difference in this circumstance and I agree with Monica that it was his choice to misuse and disrespect women that led to his death. No drug addict chooses an overdose, but they usually understand it is a real consequence of their actions. Because of the spoiled and entitled man Steve McNair was (as a lot of professional athletes are), he was foolish enough to believe there would be no real consequences for his choices, see Monica’s first post.
woooh! Thank you very much for this post. I had to go crazy on Facebook yesterday 'cause some chick said she would do the same thing this young girl did. McNair did not deserve to die, end of story.
I feel very sorry for the wife. In fact, I wish he would have lived. Then she could put his man berries in a jar of formaldehyde on her coffee table. Now that's justice.
@monica: Those are great scriptures that point directly at something: death. It doesn't say who or how they die.
Adultery doesn't beget murder. If you want to say adultery begets death, great. so does lying. so does gluttony. So do a lot of things. But cowardice, hate and a lack of love beget murder.
I didn't write what I wrote to say that he doesn't share in some of the blame. He does: his adultery. But Kazemi is to blame for the murder-suicide because she chose the coward's way out instead of walking out the door and on with her life.
Learn to be still. Learn to understand long suffering. Learn to understand patience. People will disappoint you in this life. Don't retaliate. Don't react. Don't seek vengeance and we won't have this ridiculous situation. Same goes for the guy who kills his wife so he can be with his jumpoff and collect insurance. Or the wife who kills her cheating husband or the husband who kills his cheating wife.
That's the point in what I'm saying. DON'T BLAME SOMEONE FOR HIS/HER MURDER. BLAME THE PERSON WHO KILLS HIM/HER. The bible also teaches you forgive. And in forgiveness is this idea of not killing people while seeking vengeance ... that's my point.
Damon you are right “vengeance is mine sayth the Lord” and Kazemi had no right to enact revenge on McNair by taking his life.
However you are trying to equate Steve McNair to a person killed by a drunk driver, just going down the road minding their own business and then they are murdered. This is not the case. Steve McNair may be a murder victim, but he is far from blameless.
Thank you Damon for your post. Thank you Monica for your posts. You are both enlightened individual who have a broad perspective on life. Knowing what is right and wrong, but not judging an individual for their sin. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Man, I didn't know there were so many perfect and sinless people about.