OK. I'll admit it. I like both Lady Gaga and Kanye West. I own music by both artists. Their personalities are outsized both on purpose and they front an insane amount of ego. Kanye's ridiculousness nonwithstanding they are responsible for some very listenable and decent pop music. But how can I explain the ridiculousness that is this crappy photo from this crappy photo shoot by David LaChappelle? Could he at least have made an effort to shock me? Why did he have to phone in "Random Racial/Sexual Stereotypes in Iconic Imagery for $200, Alex?"
Why is it in post-racial America all the sexual/racial images are still from the turn of the century?
Case in point? This NSFW (I think) 10-tons-o-FAIL.
We've got a naked, airbrushed to hell Gaga and Kanye looking like he would like a batch of brains for supper while a volcano ejaculates -- I'm sorry -- errupts in the background. Then there are bunch of fake plants and maybe he's rescuing her, or he's going to eat her brains because Kanyezzy's got a baaaaad case of what Tyra would call "Dead Eye," making him look like he should be trying to make a sandwich out of Mila Jo-va-whatevea-her-name-is as a zombie in those crappy Resident Evil films.
Oh, and it looks like his forehead wrinkle is trying to grow a third eye.
Oh, and the props look like leftovers from fake Mars in Ah-nuld's classic "Total Recall" meets a Ray Harryhausen dinasour flick.
Oh, and Kanye-I'ma-let-you-finish-but ... I REFUSE to believe those are your abs. Seriously.
Two-thousand-and-nine had to be the year of the lazy racial/sexual imagery in high end photography. From all the lazy pictures of European models in blackface to the plethora of pale, emaciated 14-year-olds who all look the fucking same and dominate the runway right now to David LaChappelle trying to make someone like Kanye look "edgy" in the laziest way possible by invoking the Big Black Buck Mandigo stereotype when there is nothing "big," Mandigo-ish or "bucky" about Kanye. (He's a self-described BACKPACKER for goodness sake!) I mean, if you're a white person having racial rape fantasies about Kanye may I suggest a fine psychiatrist? Who fantisizes about being sexually dominated by KANYE?!?!?! This photo is like watching Jaleel White carry off the chick who played Blossom. But I'm more disappointed in Lady Gaga, nee Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, who *cough* usually tries to be more interesting than this and usually succeeds at genuinely disturbing me. (See video for "Bad Romance," *shudders*)
Just once, you know, I'd like to see someone actually do something genuinely shocking (nee, interesting) other than ripping some Fay Wray and sprinkling Photoshop on it. (See stupid Gisele/LeBron James Vogue cover) Try harder, racial/sexual edginess pushers! Be original!
Like when Madonna made out with sexy ass actor Leon when he was supposed to be Jesus while crosses were burning in the "Like A Prayer" video. I mean, if you're going to piss people off DO IT IN STYLE! Piss EVERYONE OFF in an amazing way! Have the Catholic League call for your stoning while black people are confused if they should be A) happy there's a black man playing Jesus versus B) pissed that you're making out with Black Jesus! versus C) Burning crosses? What's THAT supposed to mean! C'mon!
I know, Gaga. Madonna did everything before you in the most maddening, psycho-racial-sexual fashion, and she did it in the most offensive way possible ("Truth or Dare" anyone?), while often naked, but I'm sure if you really put your mind to it you could top the offensiveness trainwreck that was "Like A Prayer." Someone has to! It might as well be you!
As for Kanye. Um ... please. Focus on the beats. It's the only thing that keeps me half-assed on your team. Despite your efforts to become a fashion icon, you honestly don't inspire much in photographs. They're just not your "thing." Other than when you wear that oversized bear head I can't think of a photo of you that's remotely memorable. And isn't it sad that the most memorable photo of you doesn't involve your face ... if that's actually YOU under than bear head.
Scratch that ... there was the stoopid Rolling Stone "Jesus" cover. Nevermind.
What I'm saying is, I liked 808 & Heartbreaks. Please, stop talking. Stop taking pictures. Start making music. That's all.
Anyway, I'm proclaiming, now, on this day, Dec. 21, 2009 that if you're a white female pop singer who enjoys shocking people if you CANNOT top Madonna's whole "Like A Prayer" video you should just not try to touch psychosexual-racial imagery. You are a kindergartener in the school of offensiveness. And if you're a black rapper who can't top the "hide your daughters" vibe of say ... I dunno ... at least a bootleg 50 Cent you should stick to rapping about cartoons and backpacking and not try to go there.
I mean, unless Dave LaChappelle really does want to film Jaleel White carrying off Mayim Bialik because that would be kind of hot in a self-refernetial, counter-culture, RIDICULOUS ass sort of way, but ONLY if he's dressed as Urkel and she's dressed as Blossom OTHERWISE IT DOESN'T COUNT!