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Entries in Stankonimilitant (5)

Thursday
Aug072008

Stank is looking for a "magical" white boy

SPECIAL REQUEST!!! SPECIAL REQUEST!!!
TO: SCAN HQ, Office of H.N.I.C.
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy and Special Ops
BCC: Agent Q
Subj: New category suggestion!

 

It's not often Dr. S asks for anything from SCAN HQ ... uh ... besides askin to kidnap Senator Clinton, but that was different. Dr. S' clippers had shorted out halfway through his haircut and he had to run to the store looking like he had wrestled with a grizzly bear. In short, Dr. S was lookin' and feelin' a hot @ss mess, so he wasn't in the best of moods ... that's all besides the point.

Click to read more ...

Thursday
Jun262008

He Sees Something Wrong With A Little Bump N' Grind

SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!! SPECIAL COMMUNIQUE!!!
FROM: Dr. Stankonimilitant
TO: SCAN HQ
SUBJ: R. Kelly aftermath

After the foolishness of the R. Kelly trial and his subsequent acquittal raises some serious questions. Dr. S thinks that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly needs "special" treatment, preferably with a straitjacket and padded walls. By the slimmest of margins, Kels avoided lookin like this...


as opposed to this....

It is the good doctor's professional opinion that Mr. Robert Sylvester Kelly's Black pass be subjected to rigorous review. There has to be a line in the sand. Kels has reinvented himself more times than Snoop. This is also bringing up a bad phase in bad black behavior. From being shocked when a black man didn't get hung for killing a white woman during the OJ trail to Michael Jackson routinely Moonwalking right out of the courtroom on Jesus Juice charges, suddenly wealthy black men are able to buy their way out of jail time. This was not the intention of our "Trees Are For Leaves," anti-lynching campaign from 1901 thru 1972.

**Written for SCAN by Dr. Stankoniforous.

Thursday
May222008

Project: Get Hillary Rodham Clinton

The following is a correspondence file between the Secret Council of American Negroes and its psychological warfare expert Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant.

TO: SCAN HQ

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: Emergency request

Stankonimilitant is sure the good folks at SCAN HQ have watched the Clintons' slow descent into Bolivia.[1] It has been oogly, ya'll, like 4 popped collar Polos ugly. This has been extremely harmful to the possible history making first non-white President of the United States. The Democratic nomination is a matter of formality and mathematics at this point, yet Sen. Clinton continues to be divisive. Drastic times call for drastic measures...and what is being proposed could be a gigantic problem.

It is time to make Sen. Clinton disappear.

Stankonimilitant has said previously that he has some connections in the DoD. One of Stankonimilitant's second cousins on his mama's side is dating a member of the Special Forces. Those men can kill someone with pencil shavings and whipped cream, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Here's how it will go down.

  1. Grab some members of the Special Forces, and neutralize get them high those members of the unit unwilling to go along.
  2. Give them disguises, ie bus boys, porters, chaffeurs, etc. to get them into the high level functions undetected.
  3. Let them spirit Sen Clinton away
  4. Release the pre-written and forged Stankonimilitant statement about dropping out of the race for "family reasons."
  5. Give Bill a new intern Eliminate Bill's interference to this operation.
  6. Leave evidence incriminating the McCain campaign.

It is clearly against everything that SCAN stands for to do this, but that's why SCAN has people like me. The good Dr. is prepared to go underground, a la Michael Corleone.

[1]: Poor Mike Tyson.

------------------------- ------------------------ -----------------

EMERGENCY DISPATCH!! EMERGENCY DISPATCH!!!

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

FROM: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

SUBJ: Re: Emergency request

Dr. Stankonimilitant, SCAN's mission is never the physical elimination of those who are debits to Negro American advancement. Otherwise Flava Flav, T-Pain, Lil' Wayne, Robert Johnson, et al would have been Stankonized along time ago. While the upper echelon of SCAN appreciate your zeal to remove the Senator, physical kidnappings aren't kosher. Rethink your plan and resubmit something else.

PS. Dr. S, SCAN had an informal straw poll and by the narrowest of margins voted NOT to give your plan a vote of support.

----------------------- -------------------------------------

TO: SCAN HQ
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: new proposal

After taking Agent Q's dispatch in mind regarding the original plan and the windfall that Barack Obama is receiving even in defeat, the good Dr has a new plan. It is multifaceted and may upset the SCAN ship.

Part I: Dr. Stankonimilitant reached out to Kevin Federline's people and implied that for his help, SCAN would reconsider his application of acceptance as black. This doesn't not bind SCAN in any case because you can claim that Dr. Stankonimilitant acted unilaterally, etc. etc. Simply put Federline's job is to get close to Chelsea Clinton. He has been given Malcolm X leeway, whatever means necessary. After he has her confidence, he is to be arrested for a DUI with Chelsea as his passenger around the Capitol Hill area. Damage: low level, but hopefully they will remove Chelsea from the campaign.

Part II: Mr. Timberlake was also contacted and given a similar message as Mr. Federline. Timberlake's assignment is simple to perform at a Clinton function and re-create Nipplegate. Damage: low level

Part III: Operation Clinton could not move forward without Mr. Clinton's involvement. The good Dr. has reached out to a number of starlets, esp Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson, etc., etc.. Playing upon their desire for media coverage, they were told to be seen with Mr. Clinton enough to re-create doubts of his marital fidelity. Through unethical means, the good Dr has obtained a substantial portion of the Clinton travel itinerary. Mr. Clinton and his media starlet friend are to be found in a compromising situation by Mrs. Clinton. Damage: mid level, but hopefully Mr. Clinton will be further sidelined.

Part IV: Call the vendors that the Clinton campaign are in arrears to and insinuate that the campaign may not be able to make good on their debts or IOUs are forthcoming. Damage: low to mid level, unpaid bills will make their way to the major networks.

Part V: Using all of Sen. Clinton's audio recordings, splice together a message disparaging the voters of West Virginia for voting for a losing candidate.

SCAN does not have to use these in this order. They can be used in concert, but this madness must end.

*Written by SCAN's regular contributor Dr. Stankoniforous. If you have an idea or want to write for SCAN send an email to The Black Snob.

Thursday
Apr032008

White Women: Just Say No

Tiger Woods and wife, Elin: The whitest white woman he could find. He had to go all the way to Sweden! White American chicks have too many impurities in them. Nope. He needed the whitest of the white. Those American white women might have some Native American, Latino, Irish, Italian, secret Negro ancestry. Best to play it safe and get your white girl imported from overseas from the land of gorgeous white women.

To: SCAN HQ, Medical Ward, Infectious Disease Prevention Unit

From: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad

Subject: White women UPDATE!

The Siren Song of White Women a.k.a. S2W2: Contagious and Spreading

Black men are attracted to many things: Playstation, The NBA, Stacy Adams shoes, rims, etc. to name a few. These things are irresistible. They are wanted, desired and acquired by many Negro males across America.

But what has consistently been the most disturbing “Must Have” item in black America is a “white woman.”

Just like the rush to get the new Jordan’s the very Saturday they go on sale, many Negroes will break their neck to get to a white woman. The lure is that powerful. And often it doesn’t matter what kind of white woman (from the sometimes less-than-stellar to the sometimes very attractive), if she’s white, she’s right!

Black women are consistently disturbed by the trend. Their reaction is visceral, especially if the white woman is in the former “less-than-stellar” category.

Stankonimilitant has judiciously been studying this trend as part of his “Captain Save a Negro” or CSN research. As always the results of this particular trend are disturbing.

According to both the 1990 U.S. census and 2000 census, black men are more than two times more likely to marry a white woman, than a black woman is likely to marry a white man.

The overall percentage of black-white pairings is small (only 4.6 percent of blacks marry whites). But the trend is particularly galling when one looks at the number of black/white pairings of our “Negroes of Note,” i.e. your athletes, actors, successful black entrepreneurs, CEOs and celebrities.

Stankonimilitant has come up with a few reasons for why white women are so irresistible to some black men and especially among our “Negroes of Note.”

  • Stereotypes of black women being overweight, overbearing, attitudinal, sassy, etc.
  • The notion that marrying white is marrying up.
  • The belief that white women are nicer or more submissive than black women.
  • The notion that a blond, attractive white woman is a trophy or a prize to be won and paraded about with pride (see “Woods, Tiger”)
  • The misleading idea that white women are the pinnacle of Western beauty.

Unfortunately this last notion of white Western beauty is the number one reason most black men have fallen under this false ideology. This syndrome is known as the "Siren Song of White Women" disorder a.k.a S2W2. (The name comes from the Odyssey where the hero had to be tied to the ship's mast after hearing an alluring song by the murderous Sirens bidding him to come to the island, and ultimately his doom.)

This is not a new phenomenon. SCAN has been dealing with S2W2 for decades – from boxing legend Jack Johnson’s penchant for the whitest of white women to William Jonathan Drayton, Jr. a.k.a. “Flavor Flav’s” foolishness over Bridgette Nielsen. These acts have been chronicled before. It was examined in length in SCAN’s 1933 edition of the SCAN Public Negro Handbook, Chapter One, “Hate Mail and Death Threats, How to Avoid Them”:

(D)on't date a white woman. We can't say this enough to our male Negroes of note. One should not attempt this if you want to reduce your chances of dying in a horrible and/or undignified manner. We have a saying at SCAN, "Stay ALIVE. Marry a Negress!"

Surprising fact! Did you know that Negro men of fame who marry their same race tend to run at least a 50 percent chance of not dying by lynching, drowning, gun shot, several gun shots, poisoning, stabbing, public beatings, private beatings or electrocution? Negro women aren't just beautiful and loving, my Colored men of success - they'll keep you alive. Think about it!

Sage advice if there ever was any, however this condition has cut a wide path through the black male population. This condition is at epidemic levels. And not only has it afflicted black males, Stankonimilitant has noticed Latinos, Arabs, South and Pacific Asians infected with S2W2.

To better understand the signs of S2W2, Stankonimilitant has infiltrated various black man/white woman havens such as Chicago’s The Loop, Robertson Blvd. in Los Angeles, the ESPN Awards, Georgetown in DC, NBA All-Star Weekend and various Sandals beach resorts.

Close observation has shown that often these men suffer from a “two-ness” when it comes to white woman attraction/black woman desire. Repeatedly Stankonimilitant observed black men routinely lusting after black women with large derrieres (neé badunkadunks, apple bottom, phat booty and a host of other names.)

These men often brag about their prowess for black women, some even casting admiring glances at the Jet Beauties of the Week pictures taped up in secure locations like black Barber Shops and auto body/mechanic shops.

And theses men often engage in a variety of exclamations, including many "Lord have mercy"s and "Daaaaayum"s upon sight of a “phatty” – The best example being Charles Barkley’s lust for singer Beyonce Knowles despite being married to a white woman.

This is especially startling. Despite finding black women attractive these men continuously pursue and even marry white women with the flattest of asses, seemingly going against the black man’s own love of “babies who indeed possess back.”

Amazingly very few white women have the black male's primary attraction marker (with exception to the ubiquitous Kim Kardashian) yet black males continue to seek white women out.

The following is an exchange, Stankonimilitant had with “Negro of Note (NON)” at NBA All-Star Weekend who was attending the game with a lithe blonde. As soon as she was outside of earshot, the man engaged me in a conversation regarding actress Gabrielle Union who was coaching one of the celebrity basketball teams.

NON: Mmm. Mmm. Mmm!

STANK: What?

NON: Lookie dere, lookie dere. Mmm!

STANK: Oh, you’re referring to …

NON: Damn, she fine. I’d drink her bathwater.

STANK: She is quite lovely.

NON: Lovely? She is fine. That girl is fine. Look at that ass!

STANK: It is a nice ass. Are you drooling?

NON: NICE? It is banging. Whoo. If I wasn’t married.

STANK: Really?

NON: I’d get into that. Sho nuff.

STANK: Well, your wife, Vicki she’s a lovely …

NON: Yeah, she’s aight, but nothin like that.

STANK: Oh. OK.

NON: Woo-wee! Dat ass!

STANK: Um … I think Gabrielle can hear you.

NON: Shizz, I don’t give a fuck. She need to come get some of this pipe.

STANK: There’s no need to curse nor be vulgar.

NON: Look at the booo-taaaay! (sees wife returning) Oh snap.

[NON’s wife, Vicki, sits down between us. NON ogles her implants and bright, whitened teeth smile.]

VICKI: What are ya’ll doin’?

NON: Nuttin. Nuttin. Just watching the game. Did you find the bathroom all right?

VICKI: Yeah.

NON: What that on your face? (Removing a stray eyelash off her cheek) Make a wish!

VICKI: (blows eyelash off NON’s finger, giggles) You are so silly.

NON: (flirting) What did you wish for?

VICKI: I’ll never tell.

[NON begins tickling Vicki and engaging in baby talk for the next 20 minutes. Growing nauseous Stank goes to the bathroom to get himself together.]

Later NON and Stank would discuss the virtues of Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, Coco (Ice-T’s wife), and Britney Spears, before she got chubby, for 45 minutes. It is getting more and more difficult not to blow cover. Pretending to ogle at small bottomed, waifish white women is not what Stankonimilitant signed up for, but for the sake of blackness he will continue on.

In terms of treatment, Stankonimilitant advises the harshest methods possible. Through some connections at the Pentagon, Stankonimilitant has gotten access to some decommissioned locations. SCAN could run a program called “Dynamic Yield Memory Enhancement” or DYME for short.

D.Y.M.E’s premise is simple – to de-mystify white women and to undo the negative stereotypes surrounding black women. This infomercial from SCAN would work for the later. For the former, some celebrity surgeries gone wrong might help, i.e. Jenna Jameson, Melanie Griffith and Tara Reid.

Have to end this report here, got an invitation to another NBA game.

__________________

This post was written by Dr. Stankoniforous for SCAN.

Sunday
Mar092008

SCAN Reports: "We Don't Need Saving!"

TO: SCAN HQ
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad
SUBJ: Psych Ops on recurring cases of CSN syndrome

This is the Stankonimilitant reporting for SCAN.

After months of monitoring the behavior of Caucasians in the workplace, fine restaurants, golf courses, folk music festivals and Ren Fairs, as well as many, many Starbuckses, Stank-0 has noticed a trend arising that needs to be addressed. To borrow from popular vernacular, Stankonimilitant calls the condition Captain Save a Negro syndrome, or CSN for short. While this condition is most commonly found affecting white Americans attempting to “rescue” blacks from themselves, it is not limited to black people. There is Captain Save an Asian, Save a Chicano and the near fatal, disastrous cases of Save an Arab.

Stankonimilitant is not entirely sure if this is a recurring case of “white man's burden” on the comeback or some weird mutation of white liberal guilt, but that's not important. The only thing is that it needs to stop, immediately!

CSN has had disastrous affects on minorities, especially Negroes. Often these actions come in the form of whites feeling “pity” towards minorities, thinking they should be more like them. These individuals do not perceive themselves as racists, but as good, tolerant whites who like Dave Chappelle and enjoy commercially friendly music like Wyclef Jean and Black Eyed Peas. These individuals often suffer avuncular delusions that only the benevolent great white father can save the dark masses from their own demise. Therefore they implement tragic programs and experiments that often cause more harm than good to the people of color (POC) they are desperate to save.

CSN’s distinct symptoms include:

  • an overly paternalistic tendencies towards person/people of color
  • an arrogant idea that only non-POC know how to fix POC's problems
  • Provides ignorant, simplistic solutions to POC’s problems, i.e. suggesting that marriage is the magic wand for black America.
  • fetishization of POC, i.e. a desire for “spicy” or “fiery” Latin women, "yellow" fever

Early onset CSN is marked by the offender mentioning how many POC are their friends, how many POC regularly visit their homes, how much they "understand" POC, that POC accept them, how they had a POC boyfriend/girlfriend in elementary school, or asked the token POC at their accelerated school to the dance.

In undergraduate school, many CSN offenders fetishize date a POC as a way to deflect criticism. Things typically don’t work out because their parents "didn’t approve," thereby absolving them of guilt. Some even contemplated joining a black Greek organization until they realized that it's for life.

Stankonimilitant is recommending SCAN to dispatch covert squads to further study and develop ways to combat this scourge, but Stankonimilitant understands that HQ may not sign off on such drastic measures in our present War on Ignorance. So as a fallback option, I am suggesting the rendition of Clarence Thomas, and other CSN enablers like Juan Williams, JC Watts, Amy Holmes and, sadly, Pharrell and Timothy Z. Mosley, aka Timbaland whose enabling of Justin Timberlake has reached tragic levels.

While this may not completely fix CSN, it could stem the tide. From field observations, Stankonimilitant has noticed many recurring examples of severe CSN cases in government and popular culture. So examples of these cases include:


Stankonimilitant cannot stress how devastating and ruinous these examples are in the proliferation of CSN. Stankonimilitant suggests that SCAN STUDY THESE THOROUGHLY!

Stankonimilitant's suggestion to combat CSN is intense mental therapy and treatment. The harshest options are recommended as best. Offenders should be locked in a room and forced to watch looped videos of Dick Gregory and Paul Mooney. If these don’t cause the desired result, take things up a notch: forced listening to the recordings of T-Pain chopped and screwed juxtaposed with some Lil Jon, rounded off with Lil Wayne.

If CSN tendencies still persist then SCAN should relocate them to Washington, DC to work for the DC Public School system, DCPS. Stankonimilitant figures if they truly want to save a Negro, then why not give them some Negroes to save? Stankonimilitant has some connections in the DCPS so this is entirely plausible.

For those at SCAN HQ who disagree with the militant approach, perhaps a more educational rehabilitation. Stankonimilitant suggests forced readings of Carter G. Woodson, Ralph Ellison, W.E.B. DuBois, Malcolm X, Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, et al, aka the Black canon. Stankonimilitant is sure each SCAN HQ executive official has all these readings in their offices, some more worthy readings may have been excluded, insert them at your leisure.

Stankonimilitant's awaits further instructions from HQ on the best way to combat this scourge of blackness in SCAN’s War on Ignorance. Stankonimilitant knows to it is up to the professionals at HQ to deem what is best.

PS. If Clarence Thomas is subjected to rendition, Stankonimilitant informally requests to lead his questioning.

This post was written by Stankoniforous One.