We at the Secret Council of American Negroes believe that every Negro life is worth saving, even those that some would argue have run their course, done blackness far too much damage and cannot be saved. At SCAN we NEVER GIVE UP on our once esteemed, now fallen "Negroes of Note." We will exhaust every effort to rehabilitate, recalibrate, renovate, levitate and enunciate our brothers and sisters until they are reinvigorated with love for the cause and can do no more damage to themselves or others.
Due to a recent vote among SCAN representatives nationwide the organization is officially opening the books and allowing members to finally take a glance at our time honored Dr. Charles S. Drew Rehabilitation Facility located on SCAN's Island Fortress Retreat on Grand Saint Sojourner Island.
Here at Grand Saint Sojourner, which SCAN shares with natives of the Caribbean and our sister organization Negroes of North America, we house multiple living, medical and re-education facilities that work to correct the wrongs of racism, moral bankruptcy and incredible stupidity.
Former patients recently reintroduced to society include Whitney Houston and Nicole Richie. As we speak, Celebrity SCAN Rehabilitation Professional Christian Therapist Denise Katrina Matthews is on her way to pick up formerly incarcerated Rapstress Inga Fung Marchand for some "divine nasty girl intervention."
A former patient, Matthews has become one of SCAN's most ardent spokespersons intervening with recalcitrant black celebrities and advocating why these individuals need to "Get right with themselves," often testifying how she "was once out of (her) mind" but is now "right with blackness! That you, JESUS!"
She can get a little preachy, but she's a good woman.
Also, on an unrelated note, she makes excellent French toast. When at the Fortress she will often reward "good" patients with a delicious, eggy batch of her divine, gooey cinnamon-flavored confection.
"Bad" patients get cold grits.
Other well known celebrities we have helped include James Brown, Sean Combs, Whoopi Goldberg, Darryl Strawberry, Martin Lawrence, former DC Mayor Marion Berry, Oprah Winfery (Don't act so surprised. Even Diamond-level SCAN members need to buy their own four or six acres of Fortress property and have their own hospital staff in-between weight-loss/powerful-rich-woman stress cycles), Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson (A work in progress! We do not give up ... unless) and Mike Tyson (who, sadly, has been declared a "lost cause" since the late 1990s. We're here if you ever get a clue, Mike.)
We also offer marriage counseling (You made it through the rain, Shaq and Shaunie ... we hope), anger management (Naomi Campbell, Matthews said she will not sue you but will continue to pray for your Satan-bound soul) and college correspondence courses (You will talk pretty one day, Sir Charles).
SCAN will be allowing Gold-level SCAN members a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the facility so check for your golden blackness tickets in the mail. But please, do not become so enraptured by the crystal blue waters, gorgeous sunshine and golden-glazed Vanity special French toast that you plan to habitually ruin your sobriety around Christmas time every year. We will send you to the Drew facility next to the US Embassy in Haiti. They only have ONE sous chef and you know how much you enjoy the latest French cuisine!
Here are some other facts about our historic facility:
* Our highest peak is called "Saint Michael," but not for the Catholic saint. Michael Jackson has donated more than $250 million dollars to the island fortress. After he paid for the heliport on the highest peak we ran out of excuses why nothing on the island was named after him.
* The Fortress is fully staffed with everything a Negro with issues needs. From Foie gras and Chilean sea bass for the discriminating palette. Cheetoes, hot pickles and packs of Now-n-Laters for those ... less discriminating.
* Saint Sojourner is named after former slave, abolitionist and proto-feminist Sojourner Truth. She was canonized in 1912 by excommunicated, rebel African Brazilian priest, Father Robeirto de la Llamas who would go on to create the secretive banned Catholic sect of La Virgen Negra, where he named himself "the Black Pope."
The Black Vatican is located on Saint Sojourner where Pope Robeirto and his successors are buried.
But, please, be discrete about the "Black Pope" thing.
* Saint Sojourner Island Fortress is run completely on geo-thermal energy. That and it's about 80 degrees year-round.
* No private cars are allowed on the fortress. Those Hummers and Escalades were harming the 250-year-old cobblestone streets. Also, it made it easier to wrangle the more habitual offenders.
* The year-round residents of Sojourner Island include esteemed SCAN academics, doctors and unheralded Negroes run out of the Americas for being "uppity." The island also contains the native Boa people who are half Negro and half Polynesian.
They're nice, but please, don't comment on their haircuts and love of Robitussin. It's rude.
* Saint Sojourner is presently home to the first black American Pope, Leonardo T. Briggs, of Pin Point, Ga. who holds mass three times week and enjoys the crispy, sugary Monte Cristo sandwiches Matthews often prepares and feeds to him directly.
We know what your dirty mind is thinking, but the Black Pope is completely chaste. And Matthews just likes feeding him Monte Cristos. It's a very good Monte Cristo. That woman really knows how to brown bread.
* Saint Sojourner, while technically still part of the United Kingdom, is a mostly autonomous state. It generates most of its wealth through the rehabilitation center, Oprah's fortress estate, sugar cane, manufacturing Malibu Coconut Rum and 99 different flavors of St. Sojourner brand incense.
It burns twice as long and is twice as pungent!
* Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye famously broke into the island's rum reserves and nearly OD'ed. But we nursed them back to health. At SCAN we have a slogan, "Die on someone else's watch."
SCAN is proud to say that no celebrity has died on our premises.
* Seriously. Don't blow your sobriety to come back here. After three visits we start assuming you're not serious about getting well and we drop you off at America's third best methadone clinic in Gary, Indiana.
You've been warned.