In the war against ignorance, on the frontlines remains one of the Secret Council of American Negroes’ wiliest of double-agents, code name “Sallie Sellassie.” Living as the adopted child of an infamous, orphan addicted celebrity couple, Sallie’s main objective is to use her parents name for fame to the benefit of Negroes everywhere.

In her last correspondence with SCAN and her “handler,” codename “Brofucious,” Sellassie was dealing with the pressures of living in a house with “too many damn babies” in it, while working to get additional aid for the Gulf Coast. The following conversation took place in early April after Cannes.

More after the jump.

Name: Michael Stephen Steele

Occupation: Presently the Republican National Committee Chairman but ... um ... that might not work out. Ya'll hiring up in here?

Why do you think you deserve to be a member of this organization: I'm into hip hop in urban-to-suburban settings. I'm friends with Mike Tyson. I occasionally sound like a Democrat but I'm really an honest to God Republican. Seriously. Don't laugh.

And puppies like me. Seriously. Stop laughing.

SCAN members are often asked to sacrifice everything for the cause of Negro advancement. How far are you willing to go?: I'm willing to go preach the black conservative gospel in hip hop urban-to-suburban settings. Will also preach the virtues of SCAN there. I really like hip hop urban-to-suburban settings. There's always a Starbucks on every corner and at least one Popeyes. You know how we love chicken! Am I right? Am I right? Heh, heh. Fist bump, my brother?

Oh. And um ... just don't ask me to go against Rush though. He said he'd cover me in hot sauce and eat me like a neckbone.

(More after the jump!)

Condoleeza Rice just wanted to endure yet another Negroes of North America party where election losses have left everyone bitter and jaded. Just one party and back to her new life of martinis, speeches, book deals and dating "ballers," but first she has to survive the "Party of Doom" where you learn that you keep your enemies far away and your friends even further.

Click after the jump for the full story of Condoleeza Rice and the Party of Doom.

Name: Alfred Charles Sharpton

Occupation: You fools know who I am, this is the fifth application I've filled out. I killed Don Imus. Killed HIM. What the fuck have ya'll done but get Obama elected? I coulda done that shit if you hadn't had me and that punk bitch Mitt Romeny with paper sacks on our heads like the fucking "Unknown Comic" or some shit. Ya'll bogus as hell.

Why do you think you deserve to be a member of this organization: I'm the shit. Have you seen this perm? Fly as hell. And white folks are scared shitless of me. Did I mention I KILLED DON IMUS?

SCAN members are often asked to sacrifice everything for the cause of Negro advancement. How far are you willing to go?: I will go on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, CBS, NBC, ABC, even the fucking BBC. I'll pull a full Ginsburg for my people in a hot minute!

(More after the jump!)

On Tuesday there was a security breach on the Macon, Ga. campus of the Secret Council of American Negroes' (SCAN) HQ when members of SCAN's sister/rival organization, Negroes of North America (NONA), showed up unannounced, demanding to speak directly with the HNIC.

NONA members Ken Blackwell and Dr. Ada Fisher of the Republican Party somehow made it to the secure wing of the second floor before being stopped by a field agent on her way back from the restroom. Blackwell and Fisher refused to leave SCAN without speaking to someone on the high council and eventually the field agent was able to get Special Agent Quantifia Smith of the Atlanta Office to hear out their complaint along with an assistant who took down transciption for the record.

Here is an accounting of the incident.

KEN BLACKWELL: Well, is it on? Can we talk now! I've been in this office for FOUR HOURS!

ASSISTANT: The mic is live.

[Councilwoman Smith lets out a loud audible sigh.]

SMITH: What's wrong now?

DR. ADA FISHER: Where's the HNIC! We came here to speak directly to ...

SMITH: I'm authorized to handle this matter. You've been in here throwing up holy hell all day. What is it? What's the problem?

BLACKWELL: You KNOW what the problem is! You know and I know and EVERYONE knows! Ya'll uppity ass so-and-sos thought this shit was funny. Thought you'd have a good laugh up in here at OUR EXPENSE! Sippin' ya lattes and chortling foam out ya' noses at us.

SMITH: I have no idea what you're talking about.

FISHER: We had a truce, dammit.

SMITH: How can I know how to help you two if you won't tell me what you think we here at SCAN did?

BLACKWELL: Don't play dumb with me! Steele, mutha fucka! MICHAEL STEELE!

Top secret island fortress and SCAN secret headquarters and wayward black celebrity rehab/exile station, St. Sojourner, named for abolitionist Sojouner Truth.

Separated from the press pack after disappearing into a local Hawaiian shaved ice stand and water park Dec. 27, 2008, the Obama's were quickly spirited away by SCAN FORCE ONE to the island to take part in the top secret festivities planned, late as usual, for the new First Family.

There high ranking members of the Secret Council of American Negroes, along with their Conservative sister organizations, Negroes of North American (NONA), threw a joint "Mission Accomplished" party for the incoming president and family.

In attendance were the shadowy, HNIC, pivitol members of Operation Real David Palmer, high level members of SCAN's governing council.

Here is a brief, heavily edited transcript and description of the on-goings.

It has been months since SCAN last heard from its most high profile undercover agent, code name: Sallie Sellassie who has been living as an adopted child of a infamous, orphan addicted celebrity couple. In her last correspondence with SCAN, her handler, code name: Brofucious, was concerned that the lush life was causing the baddest spy to ever rock a onesie to lose focus (and touch) with her humble, Ethiopean roots, but as it turns out those concerns were for naught. As always, Sallie stays one step ahead of the opposition (and her handlers).

It's January 2009 and Barack Obama has been sworn in as the 44th president of the United States and enters the White House's Oval Office to be briefed by out-going Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. When Obama enters he finds the room filled with stacks of paper, even on the desk. On the desk a note is pinned to it. Obama picks it up and looks at it and reads it aloud.

"My bad?" he said, looking curiously at Rice.