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General Snobbery
Thursday
Jun262008

Save Our Negroes!

TO: SCAN Product Development Department
FROM: Lucious Newhouse, designer
RE: SABP

For your approval:

In light of the continued practice of police officers shooting defenseless black people while they are carrying everything from a sandwich to a cellphone to a wallet in their hands, the members of SABP (Save Our Black People), Anti-Police Brutality Unit are desperate to find a temporary solution to stem the tide long enough for SCAN to come up with a viable solution.

It with all seriousness we are considering putting this latest product into mass production right away.

Example #001 (click to enlarge)


Too subtle? We could add bullet holes across "Don't Shoot" with red blood dripping.

Thank you and we await your reply.

Thursday
Jun122008

Blackness Approved! Blackness Denied!

June 12, 2008

TO: SCAN Licensing Board

FROM: Blackness Assessment Committee

RE: Approvals, denials and recent applications

Per your request, here is the BAC's status list for places, individuals and things up for review in their status as being authentically black. Please recognize that BAC has a serious backlog due to a recent surge in blackness applications.

Please give feedback for any changes or suggestions ASAP.

Sincerely,

Lamar Jackson

BAC Chairman

--------------------------------

Blackness Application Rulings/Pending Reviews

APPROVALS:









Entity:
Cable News Network (CNN)

Reasons for approval: CNN has hired a crop of handsome black male and female anchors and reporters. Also CNN is located in Atlanta, Ga., "Chocolate City" and is addicted to doing hastily put together but sometimes interesting "Black In America" pieces. It's not perfect, but at least they tried. Plus, the network was created by long time "Friend o' Negroes," Ted Turner.

Recommended license: Temporary. Must be reviewed and renewed annually











Individual:
Robin Thicke, R&B Singer

Reasons for approval: We didn't realize he was a white guy when we invited him to perform at SCAN's Annual Belts for Boys Benefit Gala where SCAN raises funds to purchase belts for the saggy pants of America's youth. We were pleasantly surprised.

Recommended license: Class Five Entertainment License














Individual:
Harry Connick Jr., Jazz vocalist/musician

Reasons for approval: He's Harry Connick Jr. He had us at forever.

Recommended license: Legally Black


Things deemed "black approved" for popular Negro consumption:
Enjoy these things without having your blackness credentials questioned

Maroon 5
Guitar Hero
Gawker.com
Vegetarianism
Hockey (It's cool. All our Negro Canadian friends said so.)
Velvet Revolver
Being on anti-depressants
Dockers
Wes Anderson films
Not Being a Democrat
Skateboarding
Country Music
"Gayness"

DENIED:










Individual: William Jefferson Clinton, 42nd president of the United States

Charge: Practicing blackness without a license. Clinton's license expired in 1999 and he has since been running around perpetuating blackness in flagrance of SCAN's rules and regulations. BAC has repeatedly sent cease and desist orders to Clinton's Harlem office which have remained unanswered.

Clinton has been cited in excess of $17,896 in fines and has paid none. He is threatening to take SCAN to court, arguing that he was given a permanent "Ghetto Pass" by Rep. John Lewis in 1996, but Lewis claims to have no recollection of telling Clinton this as there is no such license as a "Ghetto Pass."

Lewis did admit to telling Clinton that he was attempting to fast track a lengthier licensing agreement, but that it got caught up in red tape during a transitional period at SCAN when the organization was fighting a hostile takeover by Rev. Al Sharpton's National Action Network and the NAACP.

Either way, Clinton should have re-applied when his license expired in 1999. And without some acts of retribution and remorse for some of his behavior during the recent Democratic Primary it is unlikely he would qualify for even the most punitive of licenses, BGA status -- the Blackness Grant Assessment. Better known as the "Bryant Gumbel Affiliation" rule, the BGA is named for the white girlfriends of Bryant Gumbel who needed a one-time-only cursory pass to attend SCAN events.

PENDING/PROPOSED:


*Author/Pundit Jeffrey Toobin -- We can't find an evidence of it, but he looks suspiciously like a lightly tanned Negro. I mean. He could be a little black. His nose is so bulbous and his hair is so curly and his skin is so tan. He's probably just Jewish, but, my God. There has to be a secret Negro wandering around in there.

*Singer Madonna Ciccone -- She is arguing that she has to be approved this time because she has a black son, The Boy From Malawi, SCAN double agent David Bana.

*Billionaire and owner of the Dallas Mavericks, Mark Cuban -- He's offering to build and fund a Museum of Pro-Black Basketball Player's tennis shoes, furnishing more than a 1,000 pairs of everything from classic Jordan's to those abysmal Shaqs.

*Apple Computers founder Steve Jobs -- Argues that to remain cutting edge in the computer industry he needs to be black affiliated as black people, according to Jobs, "are cooler."

If any additional names, places or things come up, please alert BAC and we will get them into the approval process.

Thursday
May292008

Mission Accomplished

EMERGENCY DISPATCH!! EMERGENCY DISPATCH!!!

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

FROM: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

SUBJ: Clinton proposal

Doctor S, SCAN is in a festive mood! Folks been poppin bottles like they won the Super Bowl! Sooooooul Train blaring on every TV in HQ. Congratulations are in order! No one at SCAN has any idea how you got Senator Clinton to say "assassination" and "Obama" in the same breath, but you did it!

Dr. S, between me and you, what did you do? Drug her? Bribe her? "Promise" her a post in the Obama administration? Threaten her life? Bill's? Chelsea's? Photoshop pictures of her and threaten to leak them? Kidnap her family? Bill's family? SCAN knows that you can be a bit of a loose cannon, but this is brilliant! Dr. S, I'm in line for a promotion off of what you did. I won't forget you, bruh! SCAN execs are contemplating going on a week-long vacation. Caribbean, son! Holla atcha boy when I gets back. 1...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

PRIVATE COMMUNICATIONS

TO: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: Re: Clinton proposal

Agent Q, in all honesty, that wasn't me. The good Dr was workin on gettin the pieces into place to bring this theater of the absurd to an end. Regrettably that was all Senator Clinton's (un)doing. It was quite stunning to hear and rehear and rehear. The good Dr is checking on Obama's Secret Service detail for potential problems. If harm comes to Obama, someone is gettin Stankonized, please believe. It will be the Syriana way.

Q, since you gettin big upped, what about me? Dr. S been in the field eatin ramen noodles and s**t, gathering intel for SCAN. Q, a small request. Dr. S wants to lead Psy Ops. No physical harm, no bodies except for Flava Flav. You have my word.

*Written by SCAN's regular contributor Dr. Stankoniforous. If you have an idea or want to write for SCAN send an email to The Black Snob.

Thursday
May222008

Project: Get Hillary Rodham Clinton

The following is a correspondence file between the Secret Council of American Negroes and its psychological warfare expert Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant.

TO: SCAN HQ

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: Emergency request

Stankonimilitant is sure the good folks at SCAN HQ have watched the Clintons' slow descent into Bolivia.[1] It has been oogly, ya'll, like 4 popped collar Polos ugly. This has been extremely harmful to the possible history making first non-white President of the United States. The Democratic nomination is a matter of formality and mathematics at this point, yet Sen. Clinton continues to be divisive. Drastic times call for drastic measures...and what is being proposed could be a gigantic problem.

It is time to make Sen. Clinton disappear.

Stankonimilitant has said previously that he has some connections in the DoD. One of Stankonimilitant's second cousins on his mama's side is dating a member of the Special Forces. Those men can kill someone with pencil shavings and whipped cream, so this shouldn't be a problem.

Here's how it will go down.

  1. Grab some members of the Special Forces, and neutralize get them high those members of the unit unwilling to go along.
  2. Give them disguises, ie bus boys, porters, chaffeurs, etc. to get them into the high level functions undetected.
  3. Let them spirit Sen Clinton away
  4. Release the pre-written and forged Stankonimilitant statement about dropping out of the race for "family reasons."
  5. Give Bill a new intern Eliminate Bill's interference to this operation.
  6. Leave evidence incriminating the McCain campaign.

It is clearly against everything that SCAN stands for to do this, but that's why SCAN has people like me. The good Dr. is prepared to go underground, a la Michael Corleone.

[1]: Poor Mike Tyson.

------------------------- ------------------------ -----------------

EMERGENCY DISPATCH!! EMERGENCY DISPATCH!!!

TO: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

FROM: SCAN HQ, Agent Q

SUBJ: Re: Emergency request

Dr. Stankonimilitant, SCAN's mission is never the physical elimination of those who are debits to Negro American advancement. Otherwise Flava Flav, T-Pain, Lil' Wayne, Robert Johnson, et al would have been Stankonized along time ago. While the upper echelon of SCAN appreciate your zeal to remove the Senator, physical kidnappings aren't kosher. Rethink your plan and resubmit something else.

PS. Dr. S, SCAN had an informal straw poll and by the narrowest of margins voted NOT to give your plan a vote of support.

----------------------- -------------------------------------

TO: SCAN HQ
FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Psy Ops

SUBJ: new proposal

After taking Agent Q's dispatch in mind regarding the original plan and the windfall that Barack Obama is receiving even in defeat, the good Dr has a new plan. It is multifaceted and may upset the SCAN ship.

Part I: Dr. Stankonimilitant reached out to Kevin Federline's people and implied that for his help, SCAN would reconsider his application of acceptance as black. This doesn't not bind SCAN in any case because you can claim that Dr. Stankonimilitant acted unilaterally, etc. etc. Simply put Federline's job is to get close to Chelsea Clinton. He has been given Malcolm X leeway, whatever means necessary. After he has her confidence, he is to be arrested for a DUI with Chelsea as his passenger around the Capitol Hill area. Damage: low level, but hopefully they will remove Chelsea from the campaign.

Part II: Mr. Timberlake was also contacted and given a similar message as Mr. Federline. Timberlake's assignment is simple to perform at a Clinton function and re-create Nipplegate. Damage: low level

Part III: Operation Clinton could not move forward without Mr. Clinton's involvement. The good Dr. has reached out to a number of starlets, esp Kim Kardashian, Scarlett Johansson, etc., etc.. Playing upon their desire for media coverage, they were told to be seen with Mr. Clinton enough to re-create doubts of his marital fidelity. Through unethical means, the good Dr has obtained a substantial portion of the Clinton travel itinerary. Mr. Clinton and his media starlet friend are to be found in a compromising situation by Mrs. Clinton. Damage: mid level, but hopefully Mr. Clinton will be further sidelined.

Part IV: Call the vendors that the Clinton campaign are in arrears to and insinuate that the campaign may not be able to make good on their debts or IOUs are forthcoming. Damage: low to mid level, unpaid bills will make their way to the major networks.

Part V: Using all of Sen. Clinton's audio recordings, splice together a message disparaging the voters of West Virginia for voting for a losing candidate.

SCAN does not have to use these in this order. They can be used in concert, but this madness must end.

*Written by SCAN's regular contributor Dr. Stankoniforous. If you have an idea or want to write for SCAN send an email to The Black Snob.

Friday
May092008

Average Bro's New "Man-Laws" For Young Black Males

This a cross-posting from our blackness historian and pop culturalist, Average Bro. Here he examines how we at the Secret Council of American Negroes and other Negroes across our nation can help our wayward youth.

As ya'll know, AverageBro Loves Da' Kids. My site's ulterior motive is to convince you guys to Take The AverageBro Challenge and spend an occasional Saturday morning with an impressionable Black youth. I talked hella greasy about Atlanta rapper TI for trying to knock off his community service by speaking to Atlanta-area teens last month. But reality is if more black folks who've "made it" took a moment to help others out, there would be no such need. Basically, if you're not doing anything to prevent the next Latarian Milton, Genarlow Wilson, or Bryant Purvis, you shouldn't say jack when the inevitable happens.

Stepping off my high horse, I witnessed something truly odd today when I went to the mall to grab some Mother's Day gifts. As I was getting out of my car, a gold sedan packed four-deep with young black teens pulled up in the spot adjacent to me. The dudes were typical suburban wannabe thugs. Oversized cubic zirconia earrings. Pinwheel New Era caps. Those stupid lookin' skater hoodies. This in and of itself is nothing notable, but what really hit me was the music they had blaring at 120 decibels from their stereo.

Deez bamas were riding four deep in the burbs, blastin' Moments In Love by Art of Noise.

If you don't know this song, just listen and you'll get my point.

All together now... "Ewwwww!!!".

Anyways, as I walked away shaking my head, it suddenly occurred to me just why male mentors are so important. Young dudes of Generation Xbox are more likely than any other to have not grown up with a father, uncle, grandpa, or some man in their lives to tell them it is emphatically not gangsta to roll four deep, or even two deep, blasting quiet storm-type slow jams with your boys. Call me old, homophobic, sexist, or whatever ist/ic you'd like, but that idd'ish was just wrong.

Since I can't personally be a mentor to all youngins, I figured I'd throw together a list of avuncular advice for this latest generation of young bucks who don't know no better. If you know a black male 21 and Under, feel free to cut and paste this post and send it to them. Since they probably won't bother reading it, title the email "Melyssa Ford Topless Photos" or some such nonsense to trick em'. While I thought that Budweiser campaign was jive silly, I have to liberally jack the concept to help steer our young black men from the path to prison and general mediocrity.

So in that spirit, here's a few more of AverageBro.com's New "Man-Laws" For Young Black Males.

1) MySpace Rapper Is Not a Legitimate Career Option - The problem with rap music nowadays is too many damn rappers and not enough fans. Watch 106th and Park, cruise the comments section at XXL, or just drive around your nearest hood and peep the scrum stapled to every telephone pole. You'll see plenty evidence that MySpace Rapper is the new ghetto dream/hood come-up. The problem is, most of these rappers suck, and none of these dudes trying to rap have apparently noticed that music period, not just rap music, isn't even selling anymore! You'd be better off goin' to trade school, getting that GED, or just goin' back to hustlin' than you would trying to "get your label off the ground". There's only one Jay-Z for a reason. And guess what? You ain't him! Stay in school, fool.

2) Bright Colors Are Not Your Friend - This trend is thankfully jumping the shark as I type this, but what the hell ever happened to wearing earth tones, or just plain black? Bamas will rock pastel polos, Crayola-inspired sneakers, and those stupid lookin' multicolored pinwheel baseball caps like they're 3rd graders. Enough already.

3) Be Nice To Johnny Law - My Pops taught me a very basic rule for dealing with the cops: Don't! 99% of the time, if you're not doing anything wrong, you have nothing to worry about. So when a cop pulls you over, comply. Don't act a damn fool and end up in a pine box. Yes, there are some egregious examples of cops who blatantly abuse their power, but far more often, the catalyst for an ass whoppin' is some Negro who just didn't know when to shut up. Do what they ask you to do, take down badge numbers and names, and live to tell your lawyer about it the next day.

4) 'Shawty' Is Not A Term of Endearment - Learn how to treat and talk to women. One benefit of youth is having the room to experiment and figure out what you like about the opposite sex without tangible commitments (ie: a ring and kids). So, by all means enjoy yourselves. But no woman likes to be catcalled and shouted at. "Ay Ma!", "S'up Shaaawwtaaay!", and "C'mere Girl!" are not proper ways of attracting young ladies. Learn how to simply smile, say "Hello", and introduce yourself. And if the girl isn't interested, no need to insult her by hurling an "Eff' You Beeyotch!" as she walks away. Just pick up your dignity and keep on' fishin'.

5) Enunciation Is A Beautiful Thang - My Pops also taught me the importance of how to speak to grown-ups in a way that commands respect. Speak loudly, clearly, enunciate, and use direct eye contact if you want to be taken seriously. Don't show up for your job interview wearing aviator shades and mumbling to the floor like one enterprising young brother I observed at an H&M store in Philly last Summer. Discover the joys of code-switching, and learn the appropriate places and times for using words like "jawn", "young", and "tight". Eliminate the word "conversate" from your vocab altogether. If you're vexed, peep my epic The AverageBro Broken English Hall of Shame post, and it's accompanying comments for further guidance.

6) Pull Up Your Damn Pants - We already talked about the whole bright colors thing. But hues aside, make sure you're putting your best foot forward when the occasion deems to necessary. All pencil jeans should be burned immediately. Ditto for those skater hoodies. Pull up your damn pants. Liberace wore themed belt buckes. If you don't know who he is, Google him, then trash yours. And while I'm all for accessorizing, there is no rational explanation for wearing Air Jordans, a black and white pinwheel cap, aviator sunglasses, and carrying a walking cane when you're wearing a black suit... at a funeral. Exercise some common sense and dress according to your environment. And oh yeah, no more pencil jeans.

7) Leave An Open Seat - This is closely related to the No Slow Jams rule. If you're at the movies and there's enough space, for the love of all things precious, leave an empty seat between you and your boys! You are not on a date, you are watching a movie with friends, so space it out. You can communicate with each other just fine when separated by an empty seat, and who knows, if you're lucky, a nice young lady might want that seat. And you won't even have to call her "shawty" either.

8) Blunts Are Not A Nutritional Supplement - Your body is your temple; not an ashtray for roaches. Two Strawberry Swishers (or Phillies, whatever floats your proverbial boat) do not equal a serving of fruits and veggies. Recreational drug habits make it difficult to hold down a real job, rob you of pocket change, and permanently char your lips. If you've really gotta do this though, at least have the decency to partake in the sanctity of your Mama's basement, not while driving your Mama's car down Georgia Ave in mid-day.

9) Enough With The Feminine Grooming Habits - I'm a Kappa Man, so I understand the importance of looking good. That said, some of these young dudes nowadays are taking the whole Omarion/Ne-Yo I'm-So-Hood' metrosexual thing a bit too far. Baby hair is for babies. You shouldn't be using your little sister's makeup pencil to draw imaginary hair anywhere on your person. And if you've actually arched your eyebrows, or even remotely considered arching your eyebrows, just go ahead and stick your head in an oven right now. Life isn't getting any easier.

10) Read A G.D. Book - This isn't strictly a young black male phenomenon by any means, but let's break this habit while we're still young. Every time I go to the barbershop, I hear all sorts of misinformation floating around. "Obama's a Muslim." "Ciara's a hermaphrodite." "The reparations checks are in the mail." "Tupac is secretly living in Brazil." "John McCain is bringing SlaveryBack... yep." All untrue, and all easily refutable if you'd read something other than King Magazine and the Post sports section. Man Up! and get yourself a library card. Smart is the new cool, fool.

Again, feel free to disagree and flame me in the comments. If you're on board, add your additions below. But whatever you do, don't ignore the message because you dislike the messenger. Either way, Take The AverageBro Challenge to help save our young black boys and girls[6] from a future of Flavor of Love casting calls, HPV, and commissary deposits. And if you can't do that, at least forward this post to your nephews. P.S.: don't forget the "Melyssa Ford Topless Photos" subject line.

Because we go to do better than those damn pencil legged jeans.

Tuesday
May062008

Zahara Jolie-Pitt, SCAN's Littlest Agent in "La Cage aux Folles"

The last time we contacted our most wily Ethiopian-American spy, code name: Sallie Selassie, she was working hard on the front lines of blackness, convincing her parent proxies, celebrities Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, to bring more attention to the plight of Katrina victims and to get more acting roles for Angela Bassett. Now Sallie is in France awaiting the birth of the Jolie-Pitts' twins, creating new tensions amongst the rival agents/siblings working to manipulate their wealthy, influential patsies.

Sallie: This is Sallie.
SCAN: Are you alone?
Sallie: How can I be alone when I'm trapped in the house all the time with The Woman and that rhubarb sperm donor? As big as this house is you'd think I could crawl off to a corner and do my work, but noooo. A fucking zoo, every day.
SCAN: Yeah but ... are you alone alone?
Sallie: God, you're fucking dense. I'm talking to you, aren't I?
SCAN: OK. I'll take that as a yes.
Sallie: I swear, who the fuck do I have to play "peek-a-boo" with to get some God Damn Similac!
SCAN: Aren't you on solid foods now?
Sallie: I'm fucking rich. I eat whatever I want and I want my Similac! It's like crack to me. And we get the really good Similac, not that swill poor babies get. It's hard to stay true your tribal roots when all you have to do is sniffle and you get an ice cream cake designed by Stella McCartney and Wolfgang Puck ... actually. Ice cream cake sounds good right now. Hold on.

(Sounds of footsteps. People speaking.)

Sallie: Waaa, Dada me wan ice keem cake fom Auntie Stella! Wah! Me no likey stoopid crepes! Wah!
The Man: OK. It's OK. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Come here let me ..
Sallie: Don't you fucking touch me ... I mean, waaaaah! Me wan specially designed ice keem cake! Waaaaah!
The Man: Ang?
The Woman: What!
The Man: Zee wants another ice cream cake from Stella McCartney.
The Woman: What is wrong with you? She's lactose intolerant. We've discussed this! Tell her to eat the crepes she begged for all day at the Louvre!
The Man: But she looks so sad! Look at her little face! How can you say no to that face?
The Woman: She gets the shits. Have you forgotten that? It makes her poop everywhere.
The Man: It's not like you clean it up!
The Woman: I'd still have to SMELL IT, BRADLEY!
The Man: What's your deal? You used to be cool!
The Woman: I AM NINE MONTHS FUCKING PREGNANT WITH FUCKING TWINS! Excuse me if I DON'T WANT TO SMELL SHIT! I do not have time for this! Tell her no!
The Man: You tell her no. You look into her little brown orphan eyes where she was starving to death in that village and you tell her she can't have whatever in the world she wants! And I didn't even have to tell you. I could have flown us to Great Britain and got, like, a million ice cream cakes, flown back to France and hired seven more maids to deal with the baby poop. Seriously. Where are your priorities?
The Woman: Fine. If you're going to be a bitch about it I'll call Stella. But she'll have to wait at least a day. Stella doesn't exactly have a stockpile of those fuckers.
The Man: Hey, Ang? Could you stop the cursing around the kids? Have a little fucking class, OK?
The Woman: (mumbling) ... such a fucking douche. I swear.
The Man: See? Daddy got you the cake, Zee! Yeah! Who do you love more? Who do you love more? Me! You love me more!
Sallie: I wuv cho, Dada!
The Man: Eskimo kiss! Now you go back to your room, OK? And play quietly because Mommy's being a huge bitch today.
The Woman: I can hear you!
The Man: GROW UP! This is why all the kids hate you!
Sallie: Dank koo, Dada! (mutters under breath) You fucking moron.

(Sounds of footsteps, someone picking up the phone.)

Sallie: Sorry about that. What were we talking about?
SCAN: Actually we didn't start yet.
Sallie: Oh. Sure. Whatever.
SCAN: So how are your objectives coming along?
Sallie: Um ... I think The Woman is talking ... about ... Man. I should have asked for that Similac. You know it comes in different flavors if you're rich, right? You haven't lived until you have Amaretto flavored Similac.
SCAN: I'd really like it if you could give me your update first.
Sallie: Gary?
SCAN: We talked about this. No real names.
Sallie: I know, but no one's listening. I'm on my Playskool Phone.
SCAN: We're still not supposed to use our real names.
Sallie: Fine. What's your code name again?
SCAN: Brofucious.
Sallie: Really. It's "Brofucius." Is that supposed to be some hippity hop version of Confucius?
SCAN: Actually, it is.
Sallie: Don't you have to be smart to be named Confucius?
SCAN: Just tell me if your achieving your objectives.

Sallie: Fine. On Monday I convinced The Woman and The Man to take me on a helicopter ride so I could take surveillance photos of Sarkosy's estate. As you know, I am digging up dirt to blackmail him so the Black people of France can be brought out of the ghettos and mainstreamed into society. Afterwards we went to Bono's estate for swimming and finger food. Pax threw up on Bono and I got into a Kung Fu fight with Maddox because he saw me readying poison darts to take out the maid. She caught me downloading those photos and sending them to base, but Maddox said he needed the bitch because he was using her to topple the military junta in Myanmar. I'm like, sure. Take down a totalitarian regime with an 65-year-old fat lady from Paraguay. He's such a fucking idealist. I'm really losing respect for the dude.
SCAN: Wait? You got in a Kung Fu fight? I didn't know either of you knew Kung Fu?
Sallie: Actually, I think he practices Bokator. I don't know Kung Fu, but I do know how to take a whiffle ball bat to your man parts. I dumped the maid into the sea while everyone was playing Marco Polo with Bono. When Maddox came to he was all pissed and took the heads off all my dolls. Fool. I don't even LIKE dolls. But I pretended to give a shit anyway. The Man bought me a diamond encrusted binkie just to make up for it. The mother fucker can drop a mil on a binkie but can't come up with a decent hair stylist. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? Look at this hair. We're fucking rich. Where's my braidologist? They can just get me who ever does Iverson's.
SCAN: You still suck a pacifier?
Sallie: OK. Do I go to your house, Gary, and slap the reefer out of your mouth?
SCAN: We said no real names. And you know they drug test at SCAN. Are trying to get me fired?
Sallie: Maybe. One phone call to the Big O and you'll be working the labeling machine at a Kinko's.
SCAN: I got kids, man.
Sallie: What? Are you upset? Are you going to cry? Baby going to squirt a little? Wah, don't get me fired! Wah, I can't help it if I like hookers and weed! Wah! I have your wife on speed dial and I know how to hack into your computer! Wah! Wah! Fucking wah! I'm from Ethiopia, bitch. This trigger's got no heart!
SCAN: (crying) You. Are. So. Mean!
Sallie: OK. Don't cry. I'll send you a jewel encrusted binkie, OK? I got, like, fifty of them. You can probably pawn them to buy some blow or something or whatever you use to, as they say, "party." That's what you do, Gary? You party with hookers and smoke the ganja?
SCAN: Do you even know what "blow" is?
Sallie: No, but whatever it is Sarkosy's got a stockpile of it behind his pool house.
SCAN: Just give me the rest of your update.

Sallie: Anyway. I got to meet The Edge. That was pretty cool. And Bono's good people. I think I can get him to expand his black interests to black people worldwide. Maybe get you Americans a library named after The D.O.C. or something. I dunno. I need more time to flesh him out and God only knows when those twins pop. The Woman has major boob saggage. It's worst than it was with The Choosen One. Sheesh. I don't want to be that plastic surgeon.
SCAN: Again. Do you know at least half of what you're talking about?
Sallie: When you've had a life like mine you have to learn things fast. There's no time for a real babyhood. In the desert you gotta be born feet first so you can come out that bitch running. Ya heard? No. No you haven't, Gary. You were born in America. Your projects, my paradise, bitch.
SCAN: I'm not from the projects.
Sallie: That's not the point, County Brownie. You pimp the facsimile, I pimp the real.
SCAN: Yeah. With diamond encrusted binkies and Amaretto flavored Similac?
Sallie: This conversation is dunzo. I can hear Maddox conspiring with Pax to get us Pad Thai for dinner tonight. Fuck that shit, son. It's kitfo or no food. Tell you wife Monifah I said, "A salaam alaikum."

Thursday
May012008

Black Girl: Still Available!

The Secret Council of American Negroes is continuing its advertisement campaign letting men of the world know how wonderful our women of color are. While some of our slogans haven't quite taken off as we would like, we will continue to push the issue that our cherished sisters are just as sexuality attractive, loving, friendly and educated as any other type of women. In fact, our sisters fantastic.

Please, continue to spread the word that black women are totally marriage worthy. Even trophy marriage worthy. But don't believe us. Check out the testimonial below!

Filmmaker Spike Lee and actor Isaiah Washington

Spike Lee: All my life it's been about black women. I love black women. The sound of their voice. The hair, the nails, the skin ... the ass.
Isaiah Washington: My wife is like the goddess Isis and I was Osiris before I met her, scattered about the earth but she searched for me and assembled my parts and made me whole.
Spike: Damn! You must be smoking the good shit.
Isaiah: I'm smoking nothing but the black woman, Spike. She is the essence, the origin of the species, she is where LIFE comes from!
Spike: Slow up. Let me write this down. This would make a great birthday card for my wife. Repeat the shit about Isis again.
Isaiah: When my wife decided to go bald I celebrated it. I relish her head. And I will love her relentlessly as she is my partner, my equal. We will fight the war together and return home victorious!
Spike: DAMN. Why didn't I know you when I was single. I could have pulled ass for days with you. You're better than a Barry White record.
Isaiah: May the man who dares to damn my wife go BLIND!
Spike: OK. Now you're getting creepy.
Isaiah: And may he be disemboweled and his intestines be strewn about the streets so the pigeons may feast upon them!
Spike: See? This is why we stopped hanging out. You're too intense.
Isaiah: Some things DESERVE intensity, SPIKE! My wife. My BLACK wife deserves this intensity, SPIKE!
Spike: Look. I'd kill a mutha fucker who touched my wife too, but I'd just pay someone to do it. You're getting all Wesley Snipes and shit.
Isaiah: Wesley does not understand the DEPTHS of my devotion to black women, especially to MY black woman. He does not have the loyalty I have. He is not committed to the role!
Spike: I'm not going to argue with you considering his ass is about to go to prison.
Isaiah: If you marry a black women you're 86 percent less likely to end up in prison.
Spike: Really?
Isaiah: That's what SCAN said.
Spike: You know they be inflating that shit, right?
Isaiah: LIES!!!
Spike: I'm sorry. Yeah. Marry a black woman. Stay out of prison.
Isaiah: She will make you whole.
Spike: What he said. And don't forget to buy the special anniversary edition of "X" when it comes out. It's a two-disc set. Twice the Denzel. Twice the depressing!

Actor Robert De Niro and singer/songwriter David Bowie

Robert De Niro: I've dated a lot of women.
David Bowie: Me too.
Robert: But none of them felt right. They just weren't perfect. They just weren't ...
David: They weren't black.
Robert: Yeah. They weren't. I mean, they were nice girls.
David: Sure. Sure.
Robert: They just didn't have that thing. You know? The thing?
David: I could have had Claudia Schrieffer, but who the fuck wants that? What would we talk about? Her hair? Iman is perfect. She's one part Grace Jones, one part Storm from X-Men. That's 100 percent fucking fantastic. I married a Goddess wrapped in the body of a super hero. I wanted to marry her and scream "me first! Me forever!" Your wife's not bad either, Robert.
Robert: She's my baby. She's the mother of my child.
David: Black girls are just so nice. So passionate. So understanding. So deliciously brown.
Robert: The brown is nice. There's smoothness to it and a youthful glow. Honestly. It's like ... my wife doesn't age. She looks, in the face, totally as gorgeous as the day I met her. I wish I could say the same for myself. Am I right? I'm totally getting old over here. But she's a fountain of youth.
David: I can't get enough of black girls. They're interesting. So cultured and well read. I didn't find other women particularly interesting. Plus black girls totally smell like cinnamon and shit rainbows. I kid you not!
Robert: We're not knocking white chicks, though. I'm sure they shit something really interesting too.
David: But not rainbows.
Robert: To do the rainbows, I think you have to be like, part Yorba or something. Or from the horn of Africa. I think. I don't know. My wife won't let me know the secret but it smells like French toast and potpourri. I kid you not!
David: I was into Chinese girls for about five minutes. But other girls, they're great in their own way, but I wouldn't date them though. I just can't go back, Robert. I honestly cannot go back.
Robert: The other girls, they're just different, you know? They're just not ...
David: A black girl.
Robert: Yeah. I concur. They're the best.

Wednesday
Apr232008

Wouldn't You Like to Get Away?

We at the Secret Council of American Negroes believe that every Negro life is worth saving, even those that some would argue have run their course, done blackness far too much damage and cannot be saved. At SCAN we NEVER GIVE UP on our once esteemed, now fallen "Negroes of Note." We will exhaust every effort to rehabilitate, recalibrate, renovate, levitate and enunciate our brothers and sisters until they are reinvigorated with love for the cause and can do no more damage to themselves or others.

Due to a recent vote among SCAN representatives nationwide the organization is officially opening the books and allowing members to finally take a glance at our time honored Dr. Charles S. Drew Rehabilitation Facility located on SCAN's Island Fortress Retreat on Grand Saint Sojourner Island.

Here at Grand Saint Sojourner, which SCAN shares with natives of the Caribbean and our sister organization Negroes of North America, we house multiple living, medical and re-education facilities that work to correct the wrongs of racism, moral bankruptcy and incredible stupidity.

Former patients recently reintroduced to society include Whitney Houston and Nicole Richie. As we speak, Celebrity SCAN Rehabilitation Professional Christian Therapist Denise Katrina Matthews is on her way to pick up formerly incarcerated Rapstress Inga Fung Marchand for some "divine nasty girl intervention."

A former patient, Matthews has become one of SCAN's most ardent spokespersons intervening with recalcitrant black celebrities and advocating why these individuals need to "Get right with themselves," often testifying how she "was once out of (her) mind" but is now "right with blackness! That you, JESUS!"

She can get a little preachy, but she's a good woman.

Also, on an unrelated note, she makes excellent French toast. When at the Fortress she will often reward "good" patients with a delicious, eggy batch of her divine, gooey cinnamon-flavored confection.

"Bad" patients get cold grits.

Other well known celebrities we have helped include James Brown, Sean Combs, Whoopi Goldberg, Darryl Strawberry, Martin Lawrence, former DC Mayor Marion Berry, Oprah Winfery (Don't act so surprised. Even Diamond-level SCAN members need to buy their own four or six acres of Fortress property and have their own hospital staff in-between weight-loss/powerful-rich-woman stress cycles), Halle Berry, Janet Jackson, Michael Jackson (A work in progress! We do not give up ... unless) and Mike Tyson (who, sadly, has been declared a "lost cause" since the late 1990s. We're here if you ever get a clue, Mike.)

We also offer marriage counseling (You made it through the rain, Shaq and Shaunie ... we hope), anger management (Naomi Campbell, Matthews said she will not sue you but will continue to pray for your Satan-bound soul) and college correspondence courses (You will talk pretty one day, Sir Charles).

SCAN will be allowing Gold-level SCAN members a once-in-a-lifetime tour of the facility so check for your golden blackness tickets in the mail. But please, do not become so enraptured by the crystal blue waters, gorgeous sunshine and golden-glazed Vanity special French toast that you plan to habitually ruin your sobriety around Christmas time every year. We will send you to the Drew facility next to the US Embassy in Haiti. They only have ONE sous chef and you know how much you enjoy the latest French cuisine!

Here are some other facts about our historic facility:

* Our highest peak is called "Saint Michael," but not for the Catholic saint. Michael Jackson has donated more than $250 million dollars to the island fortress. After he paid for the heliport on the highest peak we ran out of excuses why nothing on the island was named after him.

* The Fortress is fully staffed with everything a Negro with issues needs. From Foie gras and Chilean sea bass for the discriminating palette. Cheetoes, hot pickles and packs of Now-n-Laters for those ... less discriminating.

* Saint Sojourner is named after former slave, abolitionist and proto-feminist Sojourner Truth. She was canonized in 1912 by excommunicated, rebel African Brazilian priest, Father Robeirto de la Llamas who would go on to create the secretive banned Catholic sect of La Virgen Negra, where he named himself "the Black Pope."

The Black Vatican is located on Saint Sojourner where Pope Robeirto and his successors are buried.

But, please, be discrete about the "Black Pope" thing.

* Saint Sojourner Island Fortress is run completely on geo-thermal energy. That and it's about 80 degrees year-round.

* No private cars are allowed on the fortress. Those Hummers and Escalades were harming the 250-year-old cobblestone streets. Also, it made it easier to wrangle the more habitual offenders.

* The year-round residents of Sojourner Island include esteemed SCAN academics, doctors and unheralded Negroes run out of the Americas for being "uppity." The island also contains the native Boa people who are half Negro and half Polynesian.

They're nice, but please, don't comment on their haircuts and love of Robitussin. It's rude.

* Saint Sojourner is presently home to the first black American Pope, Leonardo T. Briggs, of Pin Point, Ga. who holds mass three times week and enjoys the crispy, sugary Monte Cristo sandwiches Matthews often prepares and feeds to him directly.

We know what your dirty mind is thinking, but the Black Pope is completely chaste. And Matthews just likes feeding him Monte Cristos. It's a very good Monte Cristo. That woman really knows how to brown bread.

* Saint Sojourner, while technically still part of the United Kingdom, is a mostly autonomous state. It generates most of its wealth through the rehabilitation center, Oprah's fortress estate, sugar cane, manufacturing Malibu Coconut Rum and 99 different flavors of St. Sojourner brand incense.

It burns twice as long and is twice as pungent!

* Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye famously broke into the island's rum reserves and nearly OD'ed. But we nursed them back to health. At SCAN we have a slogan, "Die on someone else's watch."

SCAN is proud to say that no celebrity has died on our premises.

* Seriously. Don't blow your sobriety to come back here. After three visits we start assuming you're not serious about getting well and we drop you off at America's third best methadone clinic in Gary, Indiana.

You've been warned.

Tuesday
Apr152008

SCAN Editorial: Has Alicia Keys Lost Her Friggin' Mind?!?

By AverageBro, for SCAN

I've never been the biggest Alicia Keys fan. Not because I don't like her somewhat bland and overly-hyped music, but mainly because I just don't really mess with R&B like that much nowadays. Yeah, I'm cool with Dwele, and that recent Erykah Badu was a-ite, but overall, I spend more time on the AM dial, far removed from the thump and bump of the typical Hot/Power/Kiss genre of playlist-driven stations. When I do listen to music on the radio, I'm far more of an "urban contemporary" or "smooth jazz" guy.

And besides, I'm just not feelin' those damn vocoders.[1]

[Editor's Note: I'm also prolly still a little salty over that India.Arie/Grammy thing a few years back. And I know India's career has since fizzled and she's back to working the 3rd shift at Denny's, but still, she got straight robbed!]

That said, while I generally find Keys to be relatively inoffensive Starbucks background music and little more, I wonder exactly what was she sippin' when she went all Dale Gribble[2] on us and gave these quotes during a recent interview with Blender Magazine.

There’s another side to Alicia Keys: conspiracy theorist.

The Grammy-winning singer-songwriter tells Blender magazine: "‘Gangsta rap’ was a ploy to convince black people to kill each other. ‘Gangsta rap’ didn’t exist."

Though she’s known for her romantic tunes, she told Blender that she wants to write more political songs. If black leaders such as the late Black Panther Huey Newton "had the outlets our musicians have today, it’d be global. I have to figure out a way to do it myself," she said.

Keys, 27, said she’s read several Black Panther autobiographies and wears a gold AK-47 pendant around her neck "to symbolize strength, power and killing ’em dead," according to an interview in the magazine’s May issue, on newsstands Tuesday.

Another of her theories: That the bi coastal feud between slain rappers Tupac Shakur and Notorious B.I.G. was fueled "by the government and the media, to stop another great black leader from existing."

This whole thing reminds me of that old Chris Rock routine. Just put on your headphones and fast forward to the 40 second mark.

"MLK was assassinated. Malcolm X was assassinated. Them two Negroes got shot!"

Alicia Keys, please stick to your formulaic piano ballads and leave the Biggie and Pac conspiracy theories to the LA Times.

Question: Is Alicia Keys making any sense?

Alicia Keys shares her conspiracy theories on 'gangsta rap' [NY Daily News]

[1] Seriously, what the hell is Mariah Carey doing singing with a vocoder? She actually has talent. My "The Vocoder Is Ruining My Life" Post is coming later this week. Stay tuned.

[2] Only the best character from the best animated TV series evar, just in case you were wondering.

Sunday
Apr132008

All Points Bulletin!

Don't let the smooth taste fool you!

SCAN is currently accepting new blackness license applications (and trying to round up rouges practicing blackness without their papers). Only YOU can fight posers! Alert SCAN to posers you've spotted via email: blacksnob@gmail.com.

And feel free to borrow the "Wanted: Slick Willy" poster, just give SCAN a shout, would you please?

Thank you kindly!

Yours truly in blackness,

The Black Snob
Editor
SCAN Precinct Captain, Midwest Division