In the war against ignorance, on the frontlines remains one of the Secret Council of American Negroes’ wiliest of double-agents, code name “Sallie Sellassie.” Living as the adopted child of an infamous, orphan addicted celebrity couple, Sallie’s main objective is to use her parents name for fame to the benefit of Negroes everywhere.
In her last correspondence with SCAN and her “handler,” codename “Brofucious,” Sellassie was dealing with the pressures of living in a house with “too many damn babies” in it, while working to get additional aid for the Gulf Coast. The following conversation took place in early April after Cannes.
Sallie: What took you so long to answer the phone?
SCAN: Sorry. Things are a little backlogged here. Under new management.
Sallie: So the rumors are true.
SCAN: Black Ops is now being run through the new No. 2’s chief of staff.
Sallie: And you still have a job?
SCAN: Quiet you. What’s going on over there?
Sallie: What are you talking about?
SCAN: You called all freaked out? What’s up?
Sallie: She knows.
SCAN: Who knows? No one knows. You’re like four. Who would suspect you?
Sallie: I won’t eat my Cream of Wheat unless The Man takes a bite from it first. I don’t know if I can trust her.
SCAN: Trust her? Doesn’t she love you?
Sallie: Yes ... but I can be replaced. We all can. There needs to be a thinning of the herd.
SCAN: What are you talking about?
Sallie: I need permission to take Maddox out.
SCAN: Um. Permission DENIED! You already killed that maid that one time and that shit was not unauthorized. Do you know how hard it was to get Aissa Miga to the Chateau just to dump that body in the Danube? She and Rama Yade have more things to do that clean up your boo boos in France.
SCAN: Why are you so threatened by him anyway?
Sallie: He was the first. Her first. She’s blinded by him and everything he does. Just like she’s blind with Shiloh, the wonder twins and Pax. Whenever there is something broken or dirty or ruined she always looks at ME first.
SCAN: Well ... did you do it?
Sallie: That is BESIDE the point! I’m the only black kid in the house. She looks at me like any day I’m going to shout “Burn, baby, burn” and whip out a machete.
SCAN: I think you’re exaggerating.
Sallie: What do you know, GARY? Your ass isn’t out here on the frontlines. You’re cozy in your little cubicle eating your puffed up fried pig epidermis and hot pickles living the good life.
SCAN: They’re called “pork rinds,” OK? And they’re a “sometimes” food.
Sallie: Hold on. Someone’s coming.
[Sound of someone muffling/hiding the Playskool Phone.]
Sallie: What are you doing in here?
Maddox: I was going to ask you the same thing.
Sallie: We had a deal. You and Pax stay on YOUR side of the suite. You have cooties and this is a cootie-control zone. Plus we have a whole floor of fucking suites! It’s bad enough I have to share mine with The Chosen One.
Maddox: So who are you working for?
Sallie: What are you talking about?
Maddox: I heard you talking to someone?
Sallie: I talk to myself sometimes. I’d talk to you, but don’t want to lower myself to the discourse of cootie ass shit. I have standards.
Maddox: It’s her. Isn’t it?
Maddox: She approached you. Didn’t she?
Sallie: I don’t know what you’re talking about?
Maddox: Stay away from her. She’s bad scrambled eggs.
Maddox: She wants to ruin everything and I can’t have that. I can’t let you do that.
Sallie: Once again, numbnuts, WHO ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Maddox: YOU KNOW WHO?
Maddox: THE RACHEL! She’s a threat to everything we hold dear.
Maddox: So, you agree?
Sallie: I don’t know this “Rachel” person.
Maddox: You’ve never talked to her?
Sallie: No. Never.
Sallie: Look? I don't know who this RACHEL person is!
Maddox: She almost got to Pax once. She can get to you too. So watch your back. I know you’re up to something, Zee and this Chateau ain’t big enough for the two of us.
Sallie: Get out of my room!
[Sound of door slamming shut.]
Sallie: (to Brofucious) Who the fuck is The Rachel?
SCAN: You don’t know The Rachel?
Sallie: Dammit, did I ask for an echo?
SCAN: That’s Jennifer Aniston!
Sallie: The one from the block who’s married to skeletor?
SCAN: No. Aniston! She played Rachel on “Friends!”
Sallie: The one married to the Affleck?
SCAN: No. Jennifer Aniston! She’s The Man’s ex-wife!
SCAN: Never mind. We might be able to use this.
Sallie: Use what?
SCAN: She’s a lonely blonde woman who, according to US Weekly, still calls The Man secretly.
Sallie: All the man does is not bathe and talk in a weird Southern accent. Something about being an inglorious bastard of some kind. He’s having trouble breaking out of character again.
SCAN: What? You’ve never heard any late night chats between them? Intercepted any secret texts?
Sallie: Your sources are bullshit. The only people The Man talks to are The Clooney, The Damon and The Affleck. They are all so gay for each other it’s embarrassing.
SCAN: You should meet with The Rachel.
Sallie: Maddox just threatened to kill me over this Rachel person. She hardly seems worth it.
SCAN: C’mon! She’s not that bad. She’s really interesting.
Sallie: Does she collect vials of blood and make out with my uncle?
SCAN: Um ... no.
Sallie: Not interested.
SCAN: C’MON! Do IT!
Sallie: What does The Rachel have to do with black people anyway?
SCAN: Black people? I’m trying to get us paid. You know how much TMZ and US Weekly would pay for a Rachel-The Man intercept.
Sallie: [Dramatic pause] I knew you were bad scrambled eggs for the start.
Sallie: I ought to call the No. 2 right now. OR WORSE! I ought to call FUCKING DESIREE ROGERS ON YOUR ASS!
SCAN: Please don’t. I don’t want to be Jackie Norris-ed! I got a wife and kids.
Sallie: No you don’t!
SCAN: Well ... I have an ex-wife and a dog. Gimmie a break here!
Sallie: *sigh* Gary. What am I going to do with you? You’re too dumb to live, but you know too much to kill.
SCAN: Wow. From you that’s almost a compliment.
Sallie: I know. Because you know I hate you, right?
Sallie: I mean, seriously. I could just fucking kill you if I had the chance. If I could just get to Macon, Georgia from here and slicey-dicey.
SCAN: You’re so funny. You’re four.
Sallie: Yeah. I’m four and I know krav magra.
SCAN: Right. ... But, you know? The Rachel might be good leverage if in fact The Woman IS trying to kill you.
Sallie: We shall see about that. Hold on. Someone’s coming.
[Sound of door opening, two people entering.]
The Woman: STOP FOLLOWING ME, BRADLEY!
The Man: I juss wanna talk! E’re time I wanna talk you juss up n’ walk away.
The Woman: You can talk to me when you drop that STUPID accent and take a damn shower!
The Man: Now I don’t reckon what accent ya could be referrin’ tah.
The Woman: [Screams] What is WRONG with you?
The Man: Now listen, lil’ lady. I ain’t gwain tuh take diss guff from ye.
The Woman: My God. You have been talking this way since fucking Benjamin Fucking Button! Christ!
The Man: Lookie hurr! I been tryin’ to talk like I used tah, but you know I’m from Missurah! Dis hurr is how I used tah talk! And I LIKES IT! [To Sallie] Zee likes it! Dontcha like yer Pa’s real voice!
Sallie: Me tink chew sound gweat, Dada!
The Man: See!
The Woman: What does she know what she likes she is four! It’s time for dinner.
Sallie: Me no hungie.
The Woman: Of course you’re hungry. You haven’t eaten all day. I brought your favorite. Crème of brie and caviar on a Ritz cracker.
Sallie: Me likey brie n’ cavi-arrrr. Dada wan some! Dada eat some!
The Man: Sorry Zee. I don’t eat dat Richie Rich junk no mo’. I’m havin’ some grits and pig knuckles for din. You like pig knuckle?
The Woman: Come on. There’s a whole plate here. I even warmed you up a gourmet feta, olive and prosciutto Hot Pocket. Well, the maid warmed it up. Eat. I know you’re “hungie.”
The Man: Go on and eat it, Zee.
The Woman: Yes, EAT IT!
[Sallie gingerly takes a small bite of the Ritz and brie.]
The Woman: That’s a good girl! Now you finish the rest while mommy and daddy go to the speech therapist!
[The woman smiles and sets the plate down, then leaves. The Man follows her out. Sallie picks up the PlaySkool phone.]
SCAN: Are you actually going to eat that?
Sallie: She knows, yet she chooses to let me live. Why?
SCAN: So ... now you don’t think she’s trying to kill you?
Sallie: She’s a formidable opponent. Perhaps I will meet with this Rachel, but not for your nefarious reasons. I need to know what I’m up against.
SCAN: Could you at least ask her if she still loves Brad?
Sallie: Quiet you! This conversation is over. My proscuitto hot pocket is getting cold.