Name: Michael Stephen Steele
Occupation: Presently the Republican National Committee Chairman but ... um ... that might not work out. Ya'll hiring up in here?
Why do you think you deserve to be a member of this organization: I'm into hip hop in urban-to-suburban settings. I'm friends with Mike Tyson. I occasionally sound like a Democrat but I'm really an honest to God Republican. Seriously. Don't laugh.
And puppies like me. Seriously. Stop laughing.
SCAN members are often asked to sacrifice everything for the cause of Negro advancement. How far are you willing to go?: I'm willing to go preach the black conservative gospel in hip hop urban-to-suburban settings. Will also preach the virtues of SCAN there. I really like hip hop urban-to-suburban settings. There's always a Starbucks on every corner and at least one Popeyes. You know how we love chicken! Am I right? Am I right? Heh, heh. Fist bump, my brother?
Oh. And um ... just don't ask me to go against Rush though. He said he'd cover me in hot sauce and eat me like a neckbone.
(More after the jump!)
What do you like about SCAN? Black folks stop giving you the side-eye if you're a member. Health benefits. Those Monte Cristo sandwiches that woman who used to be Vanity cooks as the Christian out-reach specialist. Condi Rice will return my calls. You make really good gift baskets. Folks think I'm a member anyway ... although they're accusing me of being some kind of special agent. I WISH! Special Agents get decoder rings and secret handshakes and company Cadillac cars and as many gift baskets as the want. Can I apply to be a secret agent? Rahm really isn't paying me enough to help him blow this thing.
If you could improve something about SCAN, what would you change? More hip hop urban-to-suburban settings and out-reach to these settings. Not enough rappers are members of SCAN. I could bring more rappers to our side preaching the hip hop urban-to-suburban gospel. Think about it! Most rappers should be conservatives anyway with their love of capitalism and gun ownership! I hear you keep rejecting both Jay-Z and Russell Simmons' applications, but think how much SCAN could do with Jay-Z and Russ' money? Huh? Huh? Think about it! Rev. Run's a member! Let's make it happen.
Also, I would like SCAN to revoke my homie, Mike Tyson's, "Lost Cause" status. I wanna be his Captain Save-A-Negro sponsor if I get approved. We can rebuild him. We have the technology!
Is there anything in your past you would like to voluntary disclose that may come up in your background check? Um. Did I mention Mike Tyson? I mean, I want to save him, but if you don't like him I will drop him. I need to be a member of SCAN. I need this. I could be unemployed in a month and have you SEEN this economy? And I need Condi to return my calls. Seriously. And Colin. He is sooooo uppity. It's not like he hasn't tried to be down with the kids a few times too. Why is it that Colin can go to Europe and show his ass on a stage and SCAN chuckles and makes him head of secret operations and I say "hip hop urban-to-suburban settings" a few hundred times and I'm the laughing stock of the black elites? What the hezzie, yo? Why you wanna do me like that, love, huh? Why you wanna do me like that?