Name: Alfred Charles Sharpton

Occupation: You fools know who I am, this is the fifth application I've filled out. I killed Don Imus. Killed HIM. What the fuck have ya'll done but get Obama elected? I coulda done that shit if you hadn't had me and that punk bitch Mitt Romeny with paper sacks on our heads like the fucking "Unknown Comic" or some shit. Ya'll bogus as hell.

Why do you think you deserve to be a member of this organization: I'm the shit. Have you seen this perm? Fly as hell. And white folks are scared shitless of me. Did I mention I KILLED DON IMUS?

SCAN members are often asked to sacrifice everything for the cause of Negro advancement. How far are you willing to go?: I will go on CNN, MSNBC, FOX News, CBS, NBC, ABC, even the fucking BBC. I'll pull a full Ginsburg for my people in a hot minute!

(More after the jump!)

What do you like about SCAN? Suzanne Malveaux. Kidding. But seriously, she smells like leather bound books and old money. It's intoxicating. And that Aisha Tyler ain't half bad, but ... I can't mess around with a woman who is trained in Krav Maga. And I don't think Valerie Jarrett and Mrs. "I'm No. 2 now to the HNIC so I can't return your fucking calls while I traipse around Europe to cheers of Bellisima then teaming up with Aisha at night to put their size 11 stilettos in the face of Neo-Nazis." No. That shit don't bother me at all.

If you could improve something about SCAN, what would you change? Kick out Jesse. Fuck Jesse. I don't care if he was on that balcony. So the fuck what? So what if he was there at the beginning and got grand fathered in by Martin and was blessed by the damn Black Pope or whatever and he ran for president twice and helped a lot of Negroes get elected to the house and paved the way for Obama. So fucking what. He didn't do SHIT. I killed DON IMUS and Rudy Giuliani is STILL having nightmares. White folks FEAR me. Do you people get that through your uppity, high saddity skulls. Besides, he said he was gonna cut the nigga's nuts off. Kick his baby mama making ass out! Or, if he gets to stay in, LET ME IN, DAMMIT. What? Do I need to threaten Obama's nuts and have some outside children to get down with you folks?

Is there anything in your past you would like to voluntary disclouse that may come up in your background check? Jesse Jackson is a fornicator so let me in. Shit don't matter what I did if his ass is still there. And I'm tired of seeing his smug face. Wearing that special SCAN decoder ring. Knowing all the handshakes. Him and John Lewis whispering to each other, then I walk up and they shut up. Oprah not returning my calls. Fuck them. A matter of fact. Fuck all, ya'll bogus mutha fuckas!

Wait. Um ... can we do this over? I had some really spicy nachos and chitlins for lunch and I may want to redact a statement or two.

Hello? Is this still on? SCAN's awesome. Obama's the man. Long live the HNIC and the No. 2! LET ME IN! I wanna go to St. Sojourner and live like a pimp! C'mon! I already got the perm!