On Tuesday there was a security breach on the Macon, Ga. campus of the Secret Council of American Negroes' (SCAN) HQ when members of SCAN's sister/rival organization, Negroes of North America (NONA), showed up unannounced, demanding to speak directly with the HNIC.

NONA members Ken Blackwell and Dr. Ada Fisher of the Republican Party somehow made it to the secure wing of the second floor before being stopped by a field agent on her way back from the restroom. Blackwell and Fisher refused to leave SCAN without speaking to someone on the high council and eventually the field agent was able to get Special Agent Quantifia Smith of the Atlanta Office to hear out their complaint along with an assistant who took down transciption for the record.

Here is an accounting of the incident.

KEN BLACKWELL: Well, is it on? Can we talk now! I've been in this office for FOUR HOURS!

ASSISTANT: The mic is live.

[Councilwoman Smith lets out a loud audible sigh.]

SMITH: What's wrong now?

DR. ADA FISHER: Where's the HNIC! We came here to speak directly to ...

SMITH: I'm authorized to handle this matter. You've been in here throwing up holy hell all day. What is it? What's the problem?

BLACKWELL: You KNOW what the problem is! You know and I know and EVERYONE knows! Ya'll uppity ass so-and-sos thought this shit was funny. Thought you'd have a good laugh up in here at OUR EXPENSE! Sippin' ya lattes and chortling foam out ya' noses at us.

SMITH: I have no idea what you're talking about.

FISHER: We had a truce, dammit.

SMITH: How can I know how to help you two if you won't tell me what you think we here at SCAN did?

BLACKWELL: Don't play dumb with me! Steele, mutha fucka! MICHAEL STEELE!

SMITH: What about him?

FISHER: That nigga is a plant.

SMITH: Language, there's no need for ...

FISHER: Don't you tell me what to say! I'm old enough to be your mother!

SMITH: Look, I can assure you that Michael Steele is in no way affiliated with SCAN.

BLACKWELL: Bullshit. And to think I stepped aside so he would have a better chance at winning.

SMITH: SCAN was very proud of Brother Steele's achievements as we are proud of the achievements of all black people regardless of political affiliation.

BLACKWELL: Horse doo doo on you, woman! He's a plant! A secret Demo-rat THUG sent to RUIN our Republican National Committee and you know it!

SMITH: [Shrugs] We sent a gift basket ... With balloons.

BLACKWELL: Pardon my French, agent but fuck you and your balloons. We wanna speak to the HNIC! We ain't gonna tolerate this here! We done worked too hard for this. Claiming he a conservative. How conservative can your pro-abortion, pro-affirmative action, pro-dumbass looking like Grover-in-glasses be! Hip hop urban suburban WHAT THE FUCK IS DIS FOOL TALKING ABOUT!

FISHER: We don't NEED his kind of hateration up in our dancerie!

BLACKWELL: Besides. We both know hip hop is a Demo-rat thing, with ya'll P. Dookie and your Young Jeebus, Texas Instruments based political endorsements.

SMITH: Wait, what? Texas Instruments?

FISHER: He's talling about that one skinny fella that sing with the white boy who used to date the trashy white girl who shaved her head. He named himself after that company. The Texas Instruments, I think.

BLACKWELL: [Getting angry] Texas Instruments! You know? T.I.! He named himself T.I.!

SMITH: Oh ... I don't think that's right.

BLACKWELL: WHO CARES! Republicans don't know nothing about no damn HIP HOP! That was my point.

SMITH: And point taken! Look? WHY would SCAN want to set up the RNC? You're PERFECTLY capable of imploding on your own. Besides, as you pointed out, Ken, you all VOTED for Steele. You stepped down yourself, Ken, to help him win. Make like Michael Jackson and please ... go talk to the man in the mirror.

FISHER: Oh no she didn't.

SMITH: And why is it whenever something goes wrong you AUTOMATICALLY run over here and accuse US? Did it ever occur to you that maybe the Democrats are doing this to you? Did you go over to Donna Brazile's office first and scream at her?

BLACKWELL: Brazile wouldn't make a move without HNIC approval!

SMITH: Not over partisan bickering. I don't know if you realize this, but Colin Powell is over counter-intelligence. Do you think the general is trying to sabotage you too?

FISHER: I don't know. He been looking all kinds of UPPITY lately ever since ya'lls boy got elected.

BLACKWELL: Yeah! Ya'lls secret Muslim terrorist baby killing BOY could be behind this!

SMITH: We prefer to refer to him as either Special Agent First Class or the President of the United States.

BLACKWELL: Well, what if he authorized it?

SMITH: Once again, that is PARTISAN BICKERING. We are an organization meant to help advance the causes of black people worldwide. It is NOT to our benefit to have the first black man to ever lead the Party of Lincoln be a dumbass. And seriously, he is a former cohort of Mike Tyson and Don King. Quite frankly he is not, has never been, nor will ever be SCAN material.

FISHER: Humpf. More like scat material.

BLACKWELL: You ain't neva lied.

SMITH: Look? I realize you're both really upset. After all, it could have been you getting that SCAN gift basket, Ken.

BLACKWELL: [Snifs loudly] Ya'll put some good shit in there too. Bath salts. Godiva. Estee Lauder hand lotion and facial creams. Brie. Vintage cognac. Hot pickled pigs' feet. He didn't share any of it either. [Starting to cry] There was enough in there for both of us!

SMITH: And we all know you're really, really, really, really conservative in a really, really, really uptight way.

FISHER: It's true. I actually hate his ass almost as much as I hate Steele.

BLACKWELL: Quiet you.

SMITH: It had to be hard to watch him, and the gift basket, and know that he didn't really deserve it. Not like you did. Look at what you did for the RNC in Ohio in 2004? All that voter suppression? And what did Steele ever do, but blow his senate race by running around with blue, "Steele Democrat" signs? What was that about? Honestly, I don't know why he's a Republican either. He's like an ugly, less astute Harold Ford Jr.

FISHER: You ain't NEVA lied.

BLACKWELL: Fine. So maybe he's not a SCAN plant. But he could be a DEMO-rat plant!

SMITH: Anything's possible. Would you like me to call Ms. Brazile and set up an appointment? Us at SCAN are always more than happy to help our brothers and sisters at NONA in any way we can.

FISCHER: No. We have her information.

BLACKWELL: Ya'll don't have any extra gift baskets do you?

SMITH: [Smiling sweetly] No. But I think if you ask nicely, and give the woman at the front desk my name, she'll hook you up with some of those hot pigs' feet. Are we all better now?

[Blackwell and Fischer stand up to leave and shake hands with Smith.]

BLACKWELL: Sorry about all the hollerin' and the language. Things are really rough right now.

SMITH: I know.

FISHER: I vomited in my mouth a little when he apologized to Limbaugh.

SMITH: And We at SCAN threw up a little in our mouths too. Stay black and strong, my friends.

FISCHER & BLACKWELL: Black and strong.

[Blackwell and Fischer exit. Smith turns to her assistant.]

SMITH: Emily, call the Zohan for me and tell him he needs to a better job of cleaning up after his shit? I swear, you train one little stub-fingered man how to do a basic Vulcan mind-meld and he has to go running around like his last name is Spock.

ASSISTANT: Yes, ma'am. You want me to cancel your "meeting" with him on Thursday too?

SMITH: [Laughing] No, no. There's no need to punish myself. He's a former ballet dancer. The positions we could get into.

ASSISTANT: [Laughing] You are so bad!

SMITH: Is that tape recorder still on?

ASSISTANT: Shit!

SMITH: You better erase that. I don't need No. 2 calling me and neither do you. Turn it off, dammit. Turn it off!

ASSISTANT: I'm trying!

SMITH: She threatened to put me on babysitting detail because of Eugene ... Oh, and Reggie Love .... and that speech writer. Child, but it is her own damn husband's fault. Why does everyone in that White House have to be so damn GOOD LOOKING? Turn it OFF!