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SCAN Reports: "We Don't Need Saving!"

FROM: Lt. Dr. Stankonimilitant, Stank psychologist, Drop Squad
SUBJ: Psych Ops on recurring cases of CSN syndrome

This is the Stankonimilitant reporting for SCAN.

After months of monitoring the behavior of Caucasians in the workplace, fine restaurants, golf courses, folk music festivals and Ren Fairs, as well as many, many Starbuckses, Stank-0 has noticed a trend arising that needs to be addressed. To borrow from popular vernacular, Stankonimilitant calls the condition Captain Save a Negro syndrome, or CSN for short. While this condition is most commonly found affecting white Americans attempting to “rescue” blacks from themselves, it is not limited to black people. There is Captain Save an Asian, Save a Chicano and the near fatal, disastrous cases of Save an Arab.

Stankonimilitant is not entirely sure if this is a recurring case of “white man's burden” on the comeback or some weird mutation of white liberal guilt, but that's not important. The only thing is that it needs to stop, immediately!

CSN has had disastrous affects on minorities, especially Negroes. Often these actions come in the form of whites feeling “pity” towards minorities, thinking they should be more like them. These individuals do not perceive themselves as racists, but as good, tolerant whites who like Dave Chappelle and enjoy commercially friendly music like Wyclef Jean and Black Eyed Peas. These individuals often suffer avuncular delusions that only the benevolent great white father can save the dark masses from their own demise. Therefore they implement tragic programs and experiments that often cause more harm than good to the people of color (POC) they are desperate to save.

CSN’s distinct symptoms include:

  • an overly paternalistic tendencies towards person/people of color
  • an arrogant idea that only non-POC know how to fix POC's problems
  • Provides ignorant, simplistic solutions to POC’s problems, i.e. suggesting that marriage is the magic wand for black America.
  • fetishization of POC, i.e. a desire for “spicy” or “fiery” Latin women, "yellow" fever

Early onset CSN is marked by the offender mentioning how many POC are their friends, how many POC regularly visit their homes, how much they "understand" POC, that POC accept them, how they had a POC boyfriend/girlfriend in elementary school, or asked the token POC at their accelerated school to the dance.

In undergraduate school, many CSN offenders fetishize date a POC as a way to deflect criticism. Things typically don’t work out because their parents "didn’t approve," thereby absolving them of guilt. Some even contemplated joining a black Greek organization until they realized that it's for life.

Stankonimilitant is recommending SCAN to dispatch covert squads to further study and develop ways to combat this scourge, but Stankonimilitant understands that HQ may not sign off on such drastic measures in our present War on Ignorance. So as a fallback option, I am suggesting the rendition of Clarence Thomas, and other CSN enablers like Juan Williams, JC Watts, Amy Holmes and, sadly, Pharrell and Timothy Z. Mosley, aka Timbaland whose enabling of Justin Timberlake has reached tragic levels.

While this may not completely fix CSN, it could stem the tide. From field observations, Stankonimilitant has noticed many recurring examples of severe CSN cases in government and popular culture. So examples of these cases include:

Stankonimilitant cannot stress how devastating and ruinous these examples are in the proliferation of CSN. Stankonimilitant suggests that SCAN STUDY THESE THOROUGHLY!

Stankonimilitant's suggestion to combat CSN is intense mental therapy and treatment. The harshest options are recommended as best. Offenders should be locked in a room and forced to watch looped videos of Dick Gregory and Paul Mooney. If these don’t cause the desired result, take things up a notch: forced listening to the recordings of T-Pain chopped and screwed juxtaposed with some Lil Jon, rounded off with Lil Wayne.

If CSN tendencies still persist then SCAN should relocate them to Washington, DC to work for the DC Public School system, DCPS. Stankonimilitant figures if they truly want to save a Negro, then why not give them some Negroes to save? Stankonimilitant has some connections in the DCPS so this is entirely plausible.

For those at SCAN HQ who disagree with the militant approach, perhaps a more educational rehabilitation. Stankonimilitant suggests forced readings of Carter G. Woodson, Ralph Ellison, W.E.B. DuBois, Malcolm X, Frederick Douglas, Harriet Tubman, et al, aka the Black canon. Stankonimilitant is sure each SCAN HQ executive official has all these readings in their offices, some more worthy readings may have been excluded, insert them at your leisure.

Stankonimilitant's awaits further instructions from HQ on the best way to combat this scourge of blackness in SCAN’s War on Ignorance. Stankonimilitant knows to it is up to the professionals at HQ to deem what is best.

PS. If Clarence Thomas is subjected to rendition, Stankonimilitant informally requests to lead his questioning.

This post was written by Stankoniforous One.

Reader Comments (3)

Amen and hallelujah! I loved the movies you listed. I feel the same way and my friends laugh because I bitch about the films.

As for the "policies" you are also spot on. I sigh at the patronizing attitudes of some folks.

I was over at Sharon Cullars blog and she wrote about someone darting to compare HRC and her generation of Baby Boomers to Bigger Thomas and The Invisible Man.

Now ain't that something?

March 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

Good post. I would also like to be on the Clarence Thomas rendition theme, and I would suggest that SCAN debate an assaination program for repeat offenders.

Ward Connerly may need to be placed into this program as it has recently come to light that his repeated attempts eliminate affirmative action were actually part of a plot to generate funds for he and his family to continue their lavish lifestyle. I would argue that the combination of those two betrayals could spell disaster for Negroes in America if allowed to proliferate.

March 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBig Man

CSN can also be linked to the trend of adopting (stealing) African and Asian babies a la Brangelina and Madonna.

March 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterScribe
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