Sometimes SCAN has to take on high risk/high reward situations in order to go places no Negro has ever gone before. These are the real heroes in the "War on Ignorance." Whether it's an unnamed agent working to destroy BET from within or a dedicated team of SCAN speech therapists spending 20 hours a week teaching Charles Barkley how to pronounce "Mississippi," everyone has a part to play. But only the best of the best get a crack at the glass ceilings of American society. Like SCAN double-agents Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, Gen. Colin Powell, comedian Whoopi Goldberg and, of course, The Big O.
These and others like them are the unsung heroes of preserving blackness by gaining the trust of bigots before smothering their racist babies in their proverbial cribs.
The following is a correspondence from one of the greatest double-agents in SCAN's 143 years of operation, a wily Ethiopian-born operative recruited by SCAN shortly after she came to this country under a flurry of international scrutiny.
She is SCAN's "Littlest" Agent: "Sally Selassie."
Sally: This is Sally.
SCAN HQ: Are you safe?
Sally: We're OK to talk. I hotwired my Play Skool phone for Wi Fi. The Man suspects nothing. As always. The Woman, she is suspicious, but has no proof. She almost found last month's communique so I had to cram it down the toilet to cover my tracks. Things got messy, but I was able to blame it all on Pax.
The woman totally gave me a look that said she knew I was lying, yet she punished Pax anyway. As if that would break me. I'm from Ethiopia. You've got to come with harder shit than taking away the "Dora the Explorer" tape from my fake brother.
Then yesterday she thought she saw me messing with The Chosen One's baggage of Cheetos. I'd laced them with laxatives to keep The Woman distracted so I could run my communique to Connor Antony Cruise about getting his father to back an action movie based on Monica Rambeau starring Angela Bassett. She turned and offered me the bag. I could not afford to drop my cover.
So I ate them.
It was a very messy afternoon on the bayou.
As she paid someone else to wipe my ass I think she knew, but as always, she said nothing. She is a worthy foe. I respect her. But I will do what I have to if she gets in the way.
SCAN HQ: Higher ups wanted me to pass along that they've been impressed with your work thus far. Getting them to move to New Orleans to bring more attention to the 9th ward and other places ravaged by Katrina. Outstanding. Although finagling "A Mighty Heart" didn't quite go as planned.
Sally: The Woman insisted! I had to weigh the options. Let her look stupid with curly weave tracks and a bad accent or kill her and try to get adopted by Halle Berry.
There was only one option in that situation. Halle Berry is a terrible actress.
SCAN HQ: Tell me about.
Sally: She blows.
SCAN HQ: I mean, I know we're supposed to pretend to like her ...
Sally: It's OK. She's quite pretty just really, really bad, you know?
SCAN HQ: Before I got this job I had to work in SCAN's media library. Jesus, if I ever have to watch "Losing Isaiah" or "Queen" ever again. But I'm getting off message. Did you get package we sent? It should have come in the form of a "gift" from The Big O.
Sally: Oh, the invisible ink inside The Chosen One's teething rings and the sidewalk chalk for Maddox that's made out of Klonopin! Genius ... those were better than the candy necklace made out of razor wire and sulfur tablets. Helped me get rid of that nosy maid. No matter how many times The Woman told her I was lactose intolerant she still kept giving me unpasteurized goat's milk with my Oreos. No one fucks with my Oreos.
SCAN HQ: But what about the Pixie Stix blow darts, credit cards and Hello Kitty thumb drives we sent you? Those thumb drives are very important. We're trying to get the Jolie-Pitts to adopt a three-year-old double agent out of Haiti. He says he knows you. His name is Robespierre. He was the one with the Kermit shirt on at the Live Aid.
Sally: What? Those were in there? I didn't see it. The Woman! She must have taken them out before she handed me my stuffed bunny! But I could knock her unconscious if I dissolve some of the Klonopin chalk into her bottle of Fiji water.
SCAN HQ: No. No. They were inside the stuffed rabbit.
S. Sally: What? No!
SCAN HQ: You just need to cut its head off ...
Sally: Oh my God. Are you sick! She's innocent!
SCAN HQ: It's just a stuffed animal.
Sally: It? It! She has a NAME! She's from Build-A-Bear Workshop and her name is Zee Zee Hop!
Sally: You don't understand. You're not looking into her big black eyes, cuddling her fluffy ears! I don't wanna!
SCAN HQ: You knew the risks when you signed up for the job, Sally! This is for the sake of black people every where. You have to remember your mission: To push Hollywood to make decent movies for Angela Bassett. To make sure black interests get exposure through the Jolie-Pitts' celebrity over-exposure. And to make sure you grow up smart and strong and beautiful so you can someday lead your country to prosperity.
Sally: I don't wanna.
SCAN HQ: My God. Can it really be that hard? You just admitted to killing your maid over Oreos?
Sally: (Sniff) That was different. I didn't like her.
SCAN HQ: Just do it, OK. There's a pocket knife inside that X-Men toy we sent two weeks ago. Just slice it open with that.
Sally: I know what to use, Gary.
SCAN HQ: And you're not supposed to say my real name over the line.
Sally: I can tell from the tone of your voice that you've never loved and lost someone on a mission, Gary.
SCAN HQ: Sigh. We promise to send you another rabbit.
Sally: OK ... I want a pink one next time. And I want her wearing a tutu. And I want her name to be Ms. Chuckles. No ... Iman. No, no wait. Ms. Chuckles is better.
SCAN HQ: It's done.
Sally: I have to go now. The Woman is back from the set and I have to convince Pax to hop on his Sit n' Spin so I can recharge this phone. Oh, sweet Ororo Munroe. Why do all the good die young?