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From the Front: SCAN's "Littlest" Agent

Sometimes SCAN has to take on high risk/high reward situations in order to go places no Negro has ever gone before. These are the real heroes in the "War on Ignorance." Whether it's an unnamed agent working to destroy BET from within or a dedicated team of SCAN speech therapists spending 20 hours a week teaching Charles Barkley how to pronounce "Mississippi," everyone has a part to play. But only the best of the best get a crack at the glass ceilings of American society. Like SCAN double-agents Eldrick "Tiger" Woods, Gen. Colin Powell, comedian Whoopi Goldberg and, of course, The Big O.

These and others like them are the unsung heroes of preserving blackness by gaining the trust of bigots before smothering their racist babies in their proverbial cribs.

The following is a correspondence from one of the greatest double-agents in SCAN's 143 years of operation, a wily Ethiopian-born operative recruited by SCAN shortly after she came to this country under a flurry of international scrutiny.

She is SCAN's "Littlest" Agent: "Sally Selassie."

Sally: This is Sally.

SCAN HQ: Are you safe?

Sally: We're OK to talk. I hotwired my Play Skool phone for Wi Fi. The Man suspects nothing. As always. The Woman, she is suspicious, but has no proof. She almost found last month's communique so I had to cram it down the toilet to cover my tracks. Things got messy, but I was able to blame it all on Pax.

The woman totally gave me a look that said she knew I was lying, yet she punished Pax anyway. As if that would break me. I'm from Ethiopia. You've got to come with harder shit than taking away the "Dora the Explorer" tape from my fake brother.

Then yesterday she thought she saw me messing with The Chosen One's baggage of Cheetos. I'd laced them with laxatives to keep The Woman distracted so I could run my communique to Connor Antony Cruise about getting his father to back an action movie based on Monica Rambeau starring Angela Bassett. She turned and offered me the bag. I could not afford to drop my cover.

So I ate them.

It was a very messy afternoon on the bayou.

As she paid someone else to wipe my ass I think she knew, but as always, she said nothing. She is a worthy foe. I respect her. But I will do what I have to if she gets in the way.

SCAN HQ: Higher ups wanted me to pass along that they've been impressed with your work thus far. Getting them to move to New Orleans to bring more attention to the 9th ward and other places ravaged by Katrina. Outstanding. Although finagling "A Mighty Heart" didn't quite go as planned.

Sally: The Woman insisted! I had to weigh the options. Let her look stupid with curly weave tracks and a bad accent or kill her and try to get adopted by Halle Berry.

There was only one option in that situation. Halle Berry is a terrible actress.

SCAN HQ: Tell me about.

Sally: She blows.

SCAN HQ: I mean, I know we're supposed to pretend to like her ...

Sally: It's OK. She's quite pretty just really, really bad, you know?

SCAN HQ: Before I got this job I had to work in SCAN's media library. Jesus, if I ever have to watch "Losing Isaiah" or "Queen" ever again. But I'm getting off message. Did you get package we sent? It should have come in the form of a "gift" from The Big O.

Sally: Oh, the invisible ink inside The Chosen One's teething rings and the sidewalk chalk for Maddox that's made out of Klonopin! Genius ... those were better than the candy necklace made out of razor wire and sulfur tablets. Helped me get rid of that nosy maid. No matter how many times The Woman told her I was lactose intolerant she still kept giving me unpasteurized goat's milk with my Oreos. No one fucks with my Oreos.

SCAN HQ: But what about the Pixie Stix blow darts, credit cards and Hello Kitty thumb drives we sent you? Those thumb drives are very important. We're trying to get the Jolie-Pitts to adopt a three-year-old double agent out of Haiti. He says he knows you. His name is Robespierre. He was the one with the Kermit shirt on at the Live Aid.

Sally: What? Those were in there? I didn't see it. The Woman! She must have taken them out before she handed me my stuffed bunny! But I could knock her unconscious if I dissolve some of the Klonopin chalk into her bottle of Fiji water.

SCAN HQ: No. No. They were inside the stuffed rabbit.

S. Sally: What? No!

SCAN HQ: You just need to cut its head off ...

Sally: Oh my God. Are you sick! She's innocent!

SCAN HQ: It's just a stuffed animal.

Sally: It? It! She has a NAME! She's from Build-A-Bear Workshop and her name is Zee Zee Hop!

SCAN HQ: Get it together, Sally.

Sally: You don't understand. You're not looking into her big black eyes, cuddling her fluffy ears! I don't wanna!

SCAN HQ: You knew the risks when you signed up for the job, Sally! This is for the sake of black people every where. You have to remember your mission: To push Hollywood to make decent movies for Angela Bassett. To make sure black interests get exposure through the Jolie-Pitts' celebrity over-exposure. And to make sure you grow up smart and strong and beautiful so you can someday lead your country to prosperity.

Sally: I don't wanna.

SCAN HQ: My God. Can it really be that hard? You just admitted to killing your maid over Oreos?

Sally: (Sniff) That was different. I didn't like her.

SCAN HQ: Just do it, OK. There's a pocket knife inside that X-Men toy we sent two weeks ago. Just slice it open with that.

Sally: I know what to use, Gary.

SCAN HQ: And you're not supposed to say my real name over the line.

Sally: I can tell from the tone of your voice that you've never loved and lost someone on a mission, Gary.

SCAN HQ: Sigh. We promise to send you another rabbit.

Sally: OK ... I want a pink one next time. And I want her wearing a tutu. And I want her name to be Ms. Chuckles. No ... Iman. No, no wait. Ms. Chuckles is better.

SCAN HQ: It's done.

Sally: I have to go now. The Woman is back from the set and I have to convince Pax to hop on his Sit n' Spin so I can recharge this phone. Oh, sweet Ororo Munroe. Why do all the good die young?

Reader Comments (18)

This is great, perfection even. Poor Sallie, lol.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSimply Kim

This is absolutely brilliant Snob. I'm LMAO at work.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

Hilarious! I'm trying not to laugh too loud, or folks will notice :)

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

These are getting better and better.

Please continue reports from Sally.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBig Man

That was great! I hope to hear more updates soon from Sally.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterJ. Dakar

As one of my students texted the other night: L.O.L. (Fist raised in Sally solidarity!)

March 29, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterGirlGriot

This is beautiful.

March 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrigitte

yea, hands down, this is probably the most hilarious thing i've read that you've written. lol.

"I'm from Ethiopia. You've got to come with harder shit than taking away the "Dora the Explorer" tape from my fake brother."

haaa! p.s. halle berry IS pretty bad. lol.

I'd been toying with the idea of making Zahara a SCAN spy, but I sat on it until I saw these pictures on the web. Then it was like, I've got to write this RIGHT NOW!

I mean, she even looked like she was a double agent, giving the side eye while she was eating those Cheetos. God, I hope Hollywood and being in the Jolie-Pitt's Flying Third World Orphan Circus doesn't screw her up. You can tell by the glare she gives the paps that she's going to be fierce when she grows up.

March 31, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Snob

I am dead...from laughter that is!

I would like to commend ZPJ on being in the trenches day in and day out observing the pale kind in the name of justice for SCAN's everywhere...

I like how Brad Pitt is totally oblivious to everything. Oh, well. He can't be pretty AND smart.

The last/best role Halle had was as 'Crackhead #2' in Jungle Fever. *Grown does the Gator dance*

April 1, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergrown

I'm really glad someone's finally called out Halle Berry's lack of talent. I always knew Zahara had brains. I love, "I'm from Ethiopia--you gotta come harder than that."

sojourner: And I love your moniker. Very pithy! Very clever! Me likes! (And Sojourner Truth is one of my personal heroes.)

April 8, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Snob

Love. It.

April 10, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymiss

This shit is genius.

April 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterG.D.

You now I'm proud to be black..but wow...especially after finding this blog. Talented 10th forever!

April 11, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTblack

You are the greatest

June 7, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

Great stuff!

October 19, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBlackgirl On Mars
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