Warning: I apologize beforehand about this being so freakin' long. But I was having too much fun and I don't know yet how to post things so they aren't unseemly on the site. Until that day, please enjoy! (TBS)
The Secret Council of American Negroes may be an "old" organization, but we are not afraid to shake things up a bit and try something new. Recently SCAN hired the advertising firm of Goldman-Black-Sanchez-Black to tailor our latest advertising campaign for black women. But it's not a campaign to sell things to black women. It is a campaign FOR black women. It is an effort to combat all those stereotypes men of every color have of our wonderful women. Men who see black women as a step down rather than a step up. This is for every black woman of every shade and personality who wants to get married and have a child at some point in their lives. They have tired of being the bridesmaid at their white girlfriends' weddings. They are sick of looking at other happy couples thinking, "Why not me?" Tired of every girl being the desired girl accept a black girl.
We at SCAN are dedicated to making sure everyone knows how great a black woman can be. We want to break down the stereotypes and get our sisters some satisfaction. So much like how less prominent countries you wouldn't think of visiting put together splashy commercials to get people to change their perception, SCAN is kicking off a new, jazzy, hip campaign to lure you to the unexpected pleasures of black women.
Script for infomercial #001
TITLE: "Why not a black woman?" (Re-branding Campaign)
EXT. A busy street in the city
MUSIC (upbeat, light and peppy)
A white man is hurrying down a busy street dressed for work
NARRATOR: (booming male voice) Hey you!
The white man stops and looks around curiously.
NARRATOR: Yes, you! The one with no wedding ring!
The man looks at the camera sheepishly and looks in closer.
NARRATOR: You looked like you were in a hurry?
MAN: Yeah, um ... I was just ...
NARRATOR: Hey, how's your love life?
MAN: It's great, I guess.
NARRATOR: So, you're seeing someone?
MAN: Not really. I guess it's been awhile since I went on a date. Work keeps me pretty busy.
NARRATOR: Is it work or are you just striking out with the ladies?
MAN: I mean, I try to find a girl, but all the women I meet are either married already or bland and unsatisfying. I'm really lonely, but I don't know what to do.
NARRATOR: Have you ever considered a black girl?
MAN: (Nervous laugh) What? No!
NARRATOR: What? Are you some kind of racist?
MAN: (Embarrassed) No! I think I have a cousin who's married to some black guy or at least I think he's black. Wait. He might be Puerto Rican. Are Puerto Ricans black?
NARRATOR: Don't think about it too hard, you might give yourself a headache.
MAN: (Smiling) Oh. OK.
NARRATOR: But seriously, why not a black girl?
MAN: I don't know. I just find them kind of intimidating. I don't think they would like me. And aren't they really loud and pushy?
NARRATOR: (Hearty laugh) Oh, Jim.
MAN: Wait, how do you know my name?
NARRATOR: There are a lot of misconceptions out there about black women. They've been getting a bum rap for years.
Cut to footage of sad, pretty black girls
NARRATOR: Looked over for parts in movies. Denied the role of "the love interest," "the girlfriend" and "the femme fatal." Accused of being too bitchy or rude or unladylike. Being paraded out like jiggly set pieces in rap videos.
Cut back to man on street.
MAN: (Chipper) I like rap videos!
NARRATOR: (Annoyed) Yeah. Of course you do. But, black women aren't the women you think they are, Jim.
MAN: They aren't?
NARRATOR: Gosh no! That's why I'm going to let you in on a little secret ...
Cut to footage of happy, pretty black women doing things like jogging, working, shopping and eating lunch with friends
NARRATOR: Black women are attractive and healthy. And many are college-educated with infinitely fulfilling careers and lots of interesting, reliable friends. They are good at being independent, but despite what you may have heard in the media, they really want to get married and have kids before they turn 40.
Cut back to man on street
MAN: Wow. I didn't know that. I thought they all, like, got pregnant out of high school.
NARRATOR: No. All of them haven't!
MAN: Oh, OK.
Cut to footage of black women having fun at a club, dancing with their friends.
NARRATOR: Black women have all the beauty and versatility of white women, but are 30 percent funnier and 75 percent better dancers.
MAN: I don't know. I really can't dance.
NARRATOR: It's OK. Black women prefer to dance with other women.
Cut back to man on street
MAN: (Overly eager) Really?
NARRATOR: But not the way you're thinking, pervert.
MAN: I'm sorry.
NARRATOR: It’s OK. Another surprising fact you may not know, black women don't age as quickly as other women!
Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett from “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”
NARRATOR: Here's Angela Bassett when she was in her 20s.
Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett at a film opening in 2007
NARRATOR: This is her today!
Cut to a picture of Halle Berry from “Boomerang”
NARRATOR: And this is a picture of Halle Berry in the 1990s.
Cut to a picture of Halle Berry at the premiere of “Things We Lost in the Fire”
NARRATOR: And here's a picture of her now.
Cut to man on the street.
MAN: Damn. Black don't crack!
NARRATOR: Now you're getting it!
MAN: But how do they do it? My last girlfriend started getting wrinkles around her eyes at 25?
NARRATOR: The secret to all black women's beauty is in her skin - her black skin!
Cut to animation of a black woman's face with sun rays hitting the skin and bouncing back off.
NARRATOR: As you may know, the sun is the number one culprit next to smoking that prematurely ages the skin of white women. But black women's skin contains the element melanin which makes them tan easier and burn less. Most black women who care for their skin properly can have radiant faces for decade after decade. Why my mother is 67 and I still haven't seen a wrinkle!
Cut back to man on street.
MAN: Awesome! She must be a total MILF!
NARRATOR: (Offended) What did you just say about my mama?
MAN: I said MILF. It's like a compliment. It stands for "mom I'd like to" ... (embarrassed) um ... never mind.
NARRATOR: I thought so.
Cut to footage of attractive black women smiling
NARRATOR: Black women are spiritual and loving who are talented in music and the arts. They’re intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful. They’re loyal too, and fun. Heck, they're more fun than any ordinary woman. In fact, they laugh 10 times more than white women.
MAN: (Suspicious) Really? Where'd you get that figure?
NARRATOR: (Offended) What, did you think I just made that up because I'm black?
MAN: I can't even see you? You're a disembodied voice!
NARRATOR: Maybe your ears are racist then. You could have racist ears! You know what? Keep walking. You don't deserve the wonderfulness that is black women.
MAN: No, no! I want to hear! I want to know! If you say they laugh more, I believe you.
NARRATOR: Oh. OK then.
MAN: So we're cool?
Man puts out his fist for a bump.
NARRATOR: Are you fucking kidding me?
Man sheepishly puts his hand back in his pocket.
NARRATOR: As I was saying ...
Continued footage of attractive black women
NARRATOR: Black women laugh 25 percent more than white women and smell like cinnamon and cocoa butter. They shit rainbows and have posteriors so lovely that if you tossed them up in the air they would turn to sunshine. Their voices are sexier and they're just more interesting, more black than other girls. A matter of fact, black girls can do 50 percent more with their hair and are 100 percent blacker than other girls.
Cut to man on the street
NARRATOR: And do you want to know the best part, Jim?
Man leans in a little.
NARRATOR: The same black women I told you about are all single!
MAN: (shocked) They can't be single. Not all of them! They sound so great! I mean, any man would be lucky to have a fun, happy girl with great never aging skin who shits rainbows!
NARRATOR: I know! You'd think that wouldn't you!
Footage of sad, lonely, but pretty black women sighing and frowning
NARRATOR: But there are literally thousands of these wonderful women just sitting on the dating market untouched. More than half of all black women between the ages of 25 and 34 have never been married and black women are the most likely group in the United States to never get married.
Cut back to man on the street.
MAN: That sounds awful.
NARRATOR: All that wonderfulness, sitting alone with no one to talk to. But you're probably not interested in hearing more about these wonderful women. You're probably gay anyway. All the men worth dating are gay.
MAN: Hey! I'm not gay!
NARRATOR: So what are you now, some homophobe?
MAN: No ... it's just ...
NARRATOR: Calm down, I'm just fucking with you.
MAN: Oh. OK, awesome.
NARRATOR: There’s no reason for you, Jim, or for any man to be alone when there are so many great black ladies out there.
Cut to an Asian American man
NARRATOR: And I'm talking about you, Greg Fukiyama!
GREG: (Surprised) Me?
NARRATOR: Yes, you!
Cut to a Mexican American man grooming his mustache
NARRATOR: And you, Jorge Villagrosa!
JORGE: No way!
Jorge turns to talk to a man behind him
JORGE: Dude, this disembodied voice is telling me black women might be interested in me!
An Indian American man with a British accent walks over.
INDIAN: Even Punjabis?
NARRATOR: Do you have a job?
NARRATOR: Then yeah, why not! But you're a Christian, right though?
Cut to a Native American
NATIVE: Is a black girl right for me?
Cut to a Frenchman.
FRENCHIE: I don speak zee Ah-leash berry well. Es ee black gurl right fo oui?
NARRATOR: Yes! She is!
Cut to an African man walking on the beach
BLACK AFRICAN: I'm Zulu. Would a black girl be right for me?
NARRATOR: You betcha!
A white South African man walks up to the African and leans on his shoulder.
WHITE SOUTH AFRICAN: What about me?
NARRATOR: Why not!
Cut to a black man in a suit at a desk
BLACK MAN: I'm a Harvard Law educated, county brownie who only grew up around white kids. Is a black girl right for me?
NARRATOR: You've got to be fucking kidding me.
A half white black man walks up.
BIRACIAL: My mother was white. Would a black girl be right for me?
NARRATOR: Black girls for everyone!
Cut to shots of all the men smiling and pumping their fists in the air, hi-fiving each other.
NARRATOR: There isn't a man out there, black, white, yellow, red or brown who couldn't be improved upon with a black girl on his arm. So stop being afraid, man up and ask out those single, pretty black girls before the secret gets out and every man is duking it out for a sista in their lives.
Cut back to the man on the street.
MAN: (Jubilant) Wow! Wow. I just never thought … I mean, wow. OK! I'm going to do it! I'm gonna ask out a black girl. Why not? I'm tired of just limiting myself to white women! Fuck them. I got jungle fever!
NARRATOR: (Offended) What?
MAN: Was that the wrong thing to say? Because I didn't know what to say.
Narrator mutters under his breath.
MAN: I'm sorry. Really. I don't have jungle fever. I always thought that was just made up. I'm interested in a respectful, mature relationship with a black woman. I am. Seriously! I'm sorry. Fist bump?
NARRATOR: (Sigh) Men, if you’re gainfully employed, own your own car and not as ignorant as this jackass, please, consider a black woman. How do you know you won't like it if you never try?
Shot of a pretty black girl alone at the bar in a restaurant sulking.
NARRATOR: So next time you see a pretty black girl alone at the bar because she went out with her white co-workers and no one will buy her a drink, go ahead ...
The Asian American man from earlier is smiling as he sits down next to her with a drink. The black woman smiles shyly back.
NARRATOR: And buy that pretty black girl a drink, be a gentleman and tell her your name.
ASIAN: My name is Greg Fuki ...
The white man from the street punches Greg in the face and he falls off the stool. The man leans in and smiles at the girl.
MAN: Hey, sexy sistah. Drop that zero and get with this hero.
The black girl looks at him curiously, when the Harvard black man comes up behind her with his tie eschew shouting.
BLACK MAN: Ay, gurl, ay!
The black girl glares at the black man. He shrugs, giving up.
BLACK MAN: I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. I've never hit on a black girl before.
BLACK GIRL: You're black.
BLACK MAN: Not really.
The black girl rolls her eyes as the Asian man tries to get up.
ASIAN: Real mature, buddy. Really fucking mature.
The Asian man collapses on the ground again when someone starts up the music on the karaoke stage and the narrator, Keith David, is sitting on a stool singing "The Girl is Mine" with Rodger Ebert. The black girl looks up and smiles at Keith.
NARRATOR: Fellas, if you're not an idiot like these fools, stop being scared thinking all black girls are gross racial stereotypes. And if you can't appreciate the beauty and talent of our sisters, we didn't want your ass anyway. We'll do just fine without you.
The black girl nods her head in agreement.
NARRATOR: We was single before we met yo' ass and we ain't afraid to be single again. But if you do decide to try a black girl you might just be pleasantly surprised at what a great girl that black girl might be. I'm Keith David and hope you'll open your mind and your heart to black girl today.
Let's wrap this up, man. I got to a voice over for PBS in the morning.
RODGER: Yeah, I have a review to finish. It's a little late, kind of past my bedtime. You're driving, right?
KEITH: You are so cheap.
RODGER: Gas is like four dollars.
KEITH: You're like the cheapest rich guy I know.
RODGER: And I don't like to drive.
KEITH: Just finish the damn song.
RODGER: (Singing) Don't waste your time.
BOTH: (Singing) The doggone girl is mine.
A close-up on the smiling pretty black girl and an iris-in.
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