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Wednesday
Mar122008

Reviving the Brand


Warning: I apologize beforehand about this being so freakin' long. But I was having too much fun and I don't know yet how to post things so they aren't unseemly on the site. Until that day, please enjoy! (TBS)

The Secret Council of American Negroes may be an "old" organization, but we are not afraid to shake things up a bit and try something new. Recently SCAN hired the advertising firm of Goldman-Black-Sanchez-Black to tailor our latest advertising campaign for black women. But it's not a campaign to sell things to black women. It is a campaign FOR black women. It is an effort to combat all those stereotypes men of every color have of our wonderful women. Men who see black women as a step down rather than a step up. This is for every black woman of every shade and personality who wants to get married and have a child at some point in their lives. They have tired of being the bridesmaid at their white girlfriends' weddings. They are sick of looking at other happy couples thinking, "Why not me?" Tired of every girl being the desired girl accept a black girl.

We at SCAN are dedicated to making sure everyone knows how great a black woman can be. We want to break down the stereotypes and get our sisters some satisfaction. So much like how less prominent countries you wouldn't think of visiting put together splashy commercials to get people to change their perception, SCAN is kicking off a new, jazzy, hip campaign to lure you to the unexpected pleasures of black women.

Script for infomercial #001

TITLE: "Why not a black woman?" (Re-branding Campaign)

EXT. A busy street in the city

MUSIC (upbeat, light and peppy)

A white man is hurrying down a busy street dressed for work

NARRATOR: (booming male voice) Hey you!

The white man stops and looks around curiously.

NARRATOR: Yes, you! The one with no wedding ring!

The man looks at the camera sheepishly and looks in closer.

MAN: Yeah?

NARRATOR: You looked like you were in a hurry?

MAN: Yeah, um ... I was just ...

NARRATOR: Hey, how's your love life?

MAN: It's great, I guess.

NARRATOR: So, you're seeing someone?

MAN: Not really. I guess it's been awhile since I went on a date. Work keeps me pretty busy.

NARRATOR: Is it work or are you just striking out with the ladies?

MAN: I mean, I try to find a girl, but all the women I meet are either married already or bland and unsatisfying. I'm really lonely, but I don't know what to do.

NARRATOR: Have you ever considered a black girl?

MAN: (Nervous laugh) What? No!

NARRATOR: What? Are you some kind of racist?

MAN: (Embarrassed) No! I think I have a cousin who's married to some black guy or at least I think he's black. Wait. He might be Puerto Rican. Are Puerto Ricans black?

NARRATOR: Don't think about it too hard, you might give yourself a headache.

MAN: (Smiling) Oh. OK.

NARRATOR: But seriously, why not a black girl?

MAN: I don't know. I just find them kind of intimidating. I don't think they would like me. And aren't they really loud and pushy?

NARRATOR: (Hearty laugh) Oh, Jim.

MAN: Wait, how do you know my name?

NARRATOR: There are a lot of misconceptions out there about black women. They've been getting a bum rap for years.

Cut to footage of sad, pretty black girls

NARRATOR: Looked over for parts in movies. Denied the role of "the love interest," "the girlfriend" and "the femme fatal." Accused of being too bitchy or rude or unladylike. Being paraded out like jiggly set pieces in rap videos.

Cut back to man on street.

MAN: (Chipper) I like rap videos!

NARRATOR: (Annoyed) Yeah. Of course you do. But, black women aren't the women you think they are, Jim.

MAN: They aren't?

NARRATOR: Gosh no! That's why I'm going to let you in on a little secret ...

MAN: Really?

NARRATOR: Really!

Cut to footage of happy, pretty black women doing things like jogging, working, shopping and eating lunch with friends

NARRATOR: Black women are attractive and healthy. And many are college-educated with infinitely fulfilling careers and lots of interesting, reliable friends. They are good at being independent, but despite what you may have heard in the media, they really want to get married and have kids before they turn 40.

Cut back to man on street

MAN: Wow. I didn't know that. I thought they all, like, got pregnant out of high school.

NARRATOR: No. All of them haven't!

MAN: Oh, OK.

Cut to footage of black women having fun at a club, dancing with their friends.

NARRATOR: Black women have all the beauty and versatility of white women, but are 30 percent funnier and 75 percent better dancers.

MAN: I don't know. I really can't dance.

NARRATOR: It's OK. Black women prefer to dance with other women.

Cut back to man on street

MAN: (Overly eager) Really?

NARRATOR: But not the way you're thinking, pervert.

MAN: I'm sorry.

NARRATOR: It’s OK. Another surprising fact you may not know, black women don't age as quickly as other women!

Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett from “What’s Love Got To Do With It?”

NARRATOR: Here's Angela Bassett when she was in her 20s.

Cut to a picture of Angela Bassett at a film opening in 2007

NARRATOR: This is her today!

MAN: Wow.

Cut to a picture of Halle Berry from “Boomerang”

NARRATOR: And this is a picture of Halle Berry in the 1990s.

Cut to a picture of Halle Berry at the premiere of “Things We Lost in the Fire”

NARRATOR: And here's a picture of her now.

Cut to man on the street.

MAN: Damn. Black don't crack!

NARRATOR: Now you're getting it!

MAN: But how do they do it? My last girlfriend started getting wrinkles around her eyes at 25?

NARRATOR: The secret to all black women's beauty is in her skin - her black skin!

Cut to animation of a black woman's face with sun rays hitting the skin and bouncing back off.

NARRATOR: As you may know, the sun is the number one culprit next to smoking that prematurely ages the skin of white women. But black women's skin contains the element melanin which makes them tan easier and burn less. Most black women who care for their skin properly can have radiant faces for decade after decade. Why my mother is 67 and I still haven't seen a wrinkle!

Cut back to man on street.

MAN: Awesome! She must be a total MILF!

NARRATOR: (Offended) What did you just say about my mama?

MAN: I said MILF. It's like a compliment. It stands for "mom I'd like to" ... (embarrassed) um ... never mind.

NARRATOR: I thought so.

Cut to footage of attractive black women smiling

NARRATOR: Black women are spiritual and loving who are talented in music and the arts. They’re intelligent, sensitive and thoughtful. They’re loyal too, and fun. Heck, they're more fun than any ordinary woman. In fact, they laugh 10 times more than white women.

MAN: (Suspicious) Really? Where'd you get that figure?

NARRATOR: (Offended) What, did you think I just made that up because I'm black?

MAN: I can't even see you? You're a disembodied voice!

NARRATOR: Maybe your ears are racist then. You could have racist ears! You know what? Keep walking. You don't deserve the wonderfulness that is black women.

MAN: No, no! I want to hear! I want to know! If you say they laugh more, I believe you.

NARRATOR: Oh. OK then.

MAN: So we're cool?

NARRATOR: OK.

Man puts out his fist for a bump.

NARRATOR: Are you fucking kidding me?

Man sheepishly puts his hand back in his pocket.

MAN: Sorry.

NARRATOR: As I was saying ...

Continued footage of attractive black women

NARRATOR: Black women laugh 25 percent more than white women and smell like cinnamon and cocoa butter. They shit rainbows and have posteriors so lovely that if you tossed them up in the air they would turn to sunshine. Their voices are sexier and they're just more interesting, more black than other girls. A matter of fact, black girls can do 50 percent more with their hair and are 100 percent blacker than other girls.

Cut to man on the street

NARRATOR: And do you want to know the best part, Jim?

Man leans in a little.

NARRATOR: The same black women I told you about are all single!

MAN: (shocked) They can't be single. Not all of them! They sound so great! I mean, any man would be lucky to have a fun, happy girl with great never aging skin who shits rainbows!

NARRATOR: I know! You'd think that wouldn't you!

Footage of sad, lonely, but pretty black women sighing and frowning

NARRATOR: But there are literally thousands of these wonderful women just sitting on the dating market untouched. More than half of all black women between the ages of 25 and 34 have never been married and black women are the most likely group in the United States to never get married.

Cut back to man on the street.

MAN: That sounds awful.

NARRATOR: All that wonderfulness, sitting alone with no one to talk to. But you're probably not interested in hearing more about these wonderful women. You're probably gay anyway. All the men worth dating are gay.

MAN: Hey! I'm not gay!

NARRATOR: So what are you now, some homophobe?

MAN: No ... it's just ...

NARRATOR: Calm down, I'm just fucking with you.

MAN: Oh. OK, awesome.

NARRATOR: There’s no reason for you, Jim, or for any man to be alone when there are so many great black ladies out there.

Cut to an Asian American man

NARRATOR: And I'm talking about you, Greg Fukiyama!

GREG: (Surprised) Me?

NARRATOR: Yes, you!

GREG: Wow!

Cut to a Mexican American man grooming his mustache

NARRATOR: And you, Jorge Villagrosa!

JORGE: No way!

Jorge turns to talk to a man behind him

JORGE: Dude, this disembodied voice is telling me black women might be interested in me!

An Indian American man with a British accent walks over.

INDIAN: Even Punjabis?

NARRATOR: Do you have a job?

INDIAN: Yeah!

NARRATOR: Then yeah, why not! But you're a Christian, right though?

INDIAN: What?

Cut to a Native American

NATIVE: Is a black girl right for me?

NARRATOR: Yes!

Cut to a Frenchman.

FRENCHIE: I don speak zee Ah-leash berry well. Es ee black gurl right fo oui?

NARRATOR: Yes! She is!

Cut to an African man walking on the beach

BLACK AFRICAN: I'm Zulu. Would a black girl be right for me?

NARRATOR: You betcha!

A white South African man walks up to the African and leans on his shoulder.

WHITE SOUTH AFRICAN: What about me?

NARRATOR: Why not!

Cut to a black man in a suit at a desk

BLACK MAN: I'm a Harvard Law educated, county brownie who only grew up around white kids. Is a black girl right for me?

NARRATOR: You've got to be fucking kidding me.

A half white black man walks up.

BIRACIAL: My mother was white. Would a black girl be right for me?

NARRATOR: Black girls for everyone!

Cut to shots of all the men smiling and pumping their fists in the air, hi-fiving each other.

ALL: Hurray!

NARRATOR: There isn't a man out there, black, white, yellow, red or brown who couldn't be improved upon with a black girl on his arm. So stop being afraid, man up and ask out those single, pretty black girls before the secret gets out and every man is duking it out for a sista in their lives.

Cut back to the man on the street.

MAN: (Jubilant) Wow! Wow. I just never thought … I mean, wow. OK! I'm going to do it! I'm gonna ask out a black girl. Why not? I'm tired of just limiting myself to white women! Fuck them. I got jungle fever!

NARRATOR: (Offended) What?

MAN: Was that the wrong thing to say? Because I didn't know what to say.

Narrator mutters under his breath.

MAN: I'm sorry. Really. I don't have jungle fever. I always thought that was just made up. I'm interested in a respectful, mature relationship with a black woman. I am. Seriously! I'm sorry. Fist bump?

NARRATOR: (Sigh) Men, if you’re gainfully employed, own your own car and not as ignorant as this jackass, please, consider a black woman. How do you know you won't like it if you never try?

Shot of a pretty black girl alone at the bar in a restaurant sulking.

NARRATOR: So next time you see a pretty black girl alone at the bar because she went out with her white co-workers and no one will buy her a drink, go ahead ...

The Asian American man from earlier is smiling as he sits down next to her with a drink. The black woman smiles shyly back.

NARRATOR: And buy that pretty black girl a drink, be a gentleman and tell her your name.

ASIAN: My name is Greg Fuki ...

The white man from the street punches Greg in the face and he falls off the stool. The man leans in and smiles at the girl.

MAN: Hey, sexy sistah. Drop that zero and get with this hero.

The black girl looks at him curiously, when the Harvard black man comes up behind her with his tie eschew shouting.

BLACK MAN: Ay, gurl, ay!

The black girl glares at the black man. He shrugs, giving up.

BLACK MAN: I'm sorry. I didn't know what to say. I've never hit on a black girl before.

BLACK GIRL: You're black.

BLACK MAN: Not really.

The black girl rolls her eyes as the Asian man tries to get up.

ASIAN: Real mature, buddy. Really fucking mature.

The Asian man collapses on the ground again when someone starts up the music on the karaoke stage and the narrator, Keith David, is sitting on a stool singing "The Girl is Mine" with Rodger Ebert. The black girl looks up and smiles at Keith.

NARRATOR: Fellas, if you're not an idiot like these fools, stop being scared thinking all black girls are gross racial stereotypes. And if you can't appreciate the beauty and talent of our sisters, we didn't want your ass anyway. We'll do just fine without you.

The black girl nods her head in agreement.

NARRATOR: We was single before we met yo' ass and we ain't afraid to be single again. But if you do decide to try a black girl you might just be pleasantly surprised at what a great girl that black girl might be. I'm Keith David and hope you'll open your mind and your heart to black girl today.
(to Rodger)
Let's wrap this up, man. I got to a voice over for PBS in the morning.

RODGER: Yeah, I have a review to finish. It's a little late, kind of past my bedtime. You're driving, right?

KEITH: You are so cheap.

RODGER: Gas is like four dollars.

KEITH: You're like the cheapest rich guy I know.

RODGER: And I don't like to drive.

KEITH: Just finish the damn song.

RODGER: (Singing) Don't waste your time.

BOTH: (Singing) The doggone girl is mine.

A close-up on the smiling pretty black girl and an iris-in.

--- END ---

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    Lovely Web page, Maintain the wonderful job. Thanks for your time.

Reader Comments (21)

That was hilarious! This is good and bad as a BM. Everyone should know but then the market gets tight. So Stank is a lil ambivalent towards this PSA.

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStankoniforous One

stank: I'm glad it was funny. I wrote because black women often fell like no one wants them. On TV and in movies are nothing but gorgeous white women. We never get to play the hot chick on anything. Plus people make such a fuss over white women whether they're celebrities or have gone missing.

So it's really a PSA to say, "Hey! Black women are hot too! What the hell! Why is everyone being so closed minded!"

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Snob

This is just what I needed to wake up this morning. This is absolutely hilarious.

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSylvia/M

I am crying laughing at work. My coworkers clearly now believe that I am crazy.

And I do actually smell like cocoa butter…*looks sheepishly*

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered Commentergrown

grown: And shit rainbows! ;)

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Snob

This is really funny.

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTom

Fantastic as always Snob. I cracked up at work. Thanks.

March 13, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterDanielle

LOL need to order me a few of them

I sent this to my mother and three sisters - all single black women who needed the laughs and the uh-huhs to start off the weekend. Thanks!

ps - you weren't really supposed to tell anyone about the rainbows, but we'll let that go...

March 14, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterWNG

the ebert appearance at the end is genius.
but you knew that.

March 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterTallulah Bankhead

I can see you had fun with this one.
I would argue that black women get to play the hot chick every once in awhile, but typically there is a quota on how many black women can be considered hot chick material. Halle has been freezing chicks like Kerry Washington and Sanaa Lathan out for years.

And, aren't you worried about setting about black chicks to become the targets of crazy fetish cats? Just a concern.

March 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBig Man

big man: I did think about the creepy fetish factor (see, Bill Mahr). So, ew, I don't like that. Hence the mocking of the dude shouting "I got jungle fever!"

And Halle does hog up all the hot chick spotlight. I'm like, come on. Let Jill Marie Jones get a pinky toe in there or something. It doesn't make any sense to be as good looking as she is and NOT have a career. Unfortunately I don't know if you can make her (and a plethora of black actresses) unsexy enough to play background roles.

Who's going to believe Megan Good, Sanaa, Nia Long or Kerry Washington in the "Whoopi Goldberg" parts?

I also think Hollywood doesn't know what to do with gorgeous black actresses because the leading lady? Can't have George Clooney fall in love with the black girl. That would be "weird" by Hollywood standards. The wife? No. The heroine? No. The tempress? Are black women even allowed to be those?

Wait! I know! We could make her the white girl's best friend! It's Hollywood's way of saying you're talented enough to get in a movie, but too "black" to star.

(ie. that waste of a role Kerry had in "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" I was so disappointed when I saw how small her role really was. What. The. Hell? Seriously.)

It's a waste of hotness, I tell you. A tragic waste of hotness. They did it to Vanessa Williams and Angela Bassett before, and they'll just keep doing it who knows how long after.

March 16, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterThe Black Snob

I am cranky by nature but this really made me laugh. Thank you! I'm definitely adding this site to my blogroll.

March 21, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterBrigitte

Funny as all get out! Ive also long been aware of the ass-to-sun conversion phenomenon, and Im glad you are turning others onto this fact. Yay for diversity

March 22, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterSirius Tracks

Loved it! That was great! I do think that sometimes we believe that nonsense(that we are not hot) as well, but we are so hot!

You know thats why they keep us in those small roles as the white girls best friend because we would out shine the "star"!

Love reading your blog.

~S~

March 25, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

that made me chuckle.

March 27, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterKieya

Bravo! This was pretty funny.

March 30, 2008 | Unregistered CommenterLiz

This was great!!! I love this blog :)

Haha that was very cute I wish they would make a youtube video of the commercial and sent it to everybody.

March 4, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbelleisldnoire

too funny!!! keep up the good work! I want to Digg this article but I'm afraid of what kind of traffic it will bring...

May 13, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterd

So, I am just reading this today, I guess a year after it was posted. I almost had an asthma attack I was laughing so hard and I'm sure my co-workers think I have lost my damn mind. Too f--ing funny!!

May 20, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa J
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