... And Then Nothing Happened
Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 3:40PM 
I was telling my therapist a month ago how I was jealous of my friends who got to have successive relationships even if they were of the crash and burn variety as, at least, they temporarily got to enjoy the feeling of shared mutual attraction, something that usually eludes me. Either a guy will really be into me and I won't care or I'll be very into a guy and he'll want to just be besties. The pleasures of truly horrible romance are routinely denied to me for whatever reason.
I don't have trust issues. Or any serious "daddy" issues. (My father is a constant symbol of stability, duty and stoicism in my life, sitting in a chair right now, watching "The Andy Griffith Show.") I'm reasonably understanding and patient. I'm driven, passionate and (mostly) well-meaning. If I have any flicker of wickedness it is a wickedness I've surpressed in order to do good in the world. (But occassionally sneaks out for mischief.) But I always said the ideal man was a guy who was brilliant enough to be evil, but chose to be good instead. That just means so much more. Especially if being evil meant you would have gotten everything you wanted much faster, but you still did it the hard way out of some sense of self-worth, morality and altruism.
So I, wrongly, thought this would make it easier for me to find significant others. After all, I'm reasonably attractive. Which never hurts when it comes to dating! Yet my love life, despite the ability to get first and second dates, is largely a wasteland of "meh."
Sometimes I think it's me and other times I think its bad luck, but what follows is basically the result of every relationship I've half-assed pursued since 2003.
Nothing happened.
To be fair, from about 2000 until 2007 I was mentally unavailable to date. So much of that nothing was self-determined nothing. But all seven of those years took place during my 20s. The years when you're supposed to be dating and flirting and learning what works and what doesn't. I'm only 33, but it still looks exceptionally bleak to not have had a significant other since the end of the Clinton Administration. The World Trade Center towers fell the same year my last relationship fell apart. People have bee born and died since then.
When I was younger I used to think I'd never, ever get a boyfriend. Heck. I didn't even think I could make friends at times. I spent most of my youth, until about 10th grade, isolated, singled out as decidedly uncool among my peers. I never stopped trying to make friends, though. Even if most attempts were unmitigated disasters. And to this day, because of that trial and error I have an effortless time making platonic friends. But it continues to be hard to develop boyfriends because as a teen I was so conflicted about whether it was even right for a 13 year old girl to have crushes and want a boyfriend.
My parents, to devastating effect, had made it very clear that my job was school and to graduate from it. They focused almost all their energy on this and inadvertently, comepletey shamed and retarded all my interest in the opposite sex. To this day, any mention of dating makes my mother largely uncomfortable even though I'm almost positive she would like me to get married and give her grandchildren someday.
To very loosely paraphrase what my father said of this, my mother wanted her grandchild sausage, but had no desire in hearing about what has to be done to get that grandchild sausage made.
But I never talked to my parents about romantic love, dating, marriage or relationships -- not until I was grown anyway, because they forbade me to have these kind of inclinations as a child and any talk of myself posessing any kind of romantic love for a boy made my mother uncomfortable. "Boys are trouble" was her second favorite thing to say. That the root cause of all discontent in the Belton household was due to "boys," even though none of us were allowed to date until we were 18. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 20.
There's nothing like your mother telling you your feelings towards a boy are invalid because you are 16 and don't have the maturity to divine what your feelings mean. And when you ask her what the magic key is in fully comprehending "real" love feelings from "teenage hormones," her response was something ever frustrating like "You just know!"
And it was frustrating since I was so fascinated by everything -- from history to interpersonal communications -- but flirting was the one skill I couldn't healthily develop out of my own fear no one would take me seriously in life and my mother's complete paranoia that we'd all get knocked up simply through hand-holding. Or, worse, run off with the first guy who ever paid us any real attention.
Which is exactly what happened.
My point is -- I was always single. Always. I had no mutual schoolyard crushes. I never "married" a classmate in kindergarten. My mother did not find these things "cute." And was very much against them. The first time I realized I had a crush on a boy I felt awful and humiliated, like I'd failed my mother. Hated that I found myself thinking about the boy constantly simply because he was the first boy who hadn't mocked me for being smart. But I was far too afraid to talk to him (or any guy I liked for that matter). So I spent nearly all my teen years keeping these crushes to myself. I asked one guy out to the Turnabout Dance in 1995, he said yes, then my mother -- HIGHLY upset -- forbade me to go to the dance with him. Then he ended up ditching me anyway for his ex-girlfriend. Then, his ex-girlfriend upon finding out I had asked him out, threatened to beat me up. Terrified by her clearly unstable self, I avoided them both. Then, after he graduated he called me to say that she had dumped him right after the dance and had only taken him back because another girl was interested in him. Classic.
My dating life was very much like the play "No Exit." (As in, it's a hell of other people you don't want and who don't want you.) And it had always been that way, and we were all trapped in a box for perpetuity, to never go steady or get laid.
After I finally got my first boyfriend in college I thought my fortunes were changing. We lasted a year-and-a-half, then broke up. Six months later I was dating my future ex-husband, man of my mother's nightmares. Then that failed horribly and I went into that self-imposed drought for seven years.
Foolishly, I thought I could just pick up where I left off. But that wasn't going to happen. The options you have at 22 are quite different at 32. For one, it's like all the men just left one day. All of them. En masse. And I was drowning in womans' group after womans' group. But coming from a household dominated by women, having nothing but female friends and being a member of a sorority, I just had no desire to be around anymore vagina than I had to be.
What was hilarious was every woman I met was tired, frustrated, sick of men due to spending their 20s routinely disappointed by them. Maybe that's why they all wanted to hang out together, in packs, so much. They all seemed to be coming five minutes off the worst relationship of their lives and five minutes from getting back into another destructive ball of toxic love. People told me I was lucky that I'd been spared the chronic heartbreak of cheaters and liars. Even if I reminded them I had been married and had it blow up in my face, it was kind of pointless. Someone thought I was still stuck on my marriage because I mention it when writing about relationships. I didn't really know how to tell them I hadn't been in any other relationships since then and never really thought about being married anymore. Shit, sometimes would even FORGET I was once married and would say, all the time, "I hope to get married someday," not realizing I hadn't said "again" afterwards.
There were only two guys to talk about during relationship talk time! Oh, unless they wanted to hear about all the "nothing."
The Nothing is distinctly all the men who seemed to be interested and just disappeared or faded away or never showed up or stood me up or became my BFF or ran away or just wasn't interested. As I seem to have reverted back to childhood, only instead of being too afraid to talk to the boy I liked, I was now finding that love was difficult to come-by, even if you were no longer afraid of rejection.
I was back in the land of unrequited love. Of "No Exit." Or, you could call it Washington, D.C.
I'm wiling to accept that 50 percent of this is probably me. Me, who is oblivious to when an attractive man is flirting with me and me, who sometimes completely sucks at flirting. Me, who never thinks to ask for the guy's number. Me, who is pretty much relying on a guy to follow-through and divine my intention.
So I tried being more forward. But that didn't seem to solve it. So I tried being less subtle, but still let them take some kind of lead. That didn't fix it either.
From what I can tell is men seem very interested in me. My online dating profile is always being winked at by the loving, awkward, heavyweight lover nerds of the world and homeless guys regularly ask me for my number. But these men, hiding behind the safety of the Internet and abject poverty, have nothing to lose in asking me out.
What's frustrating are the ones where attraction seems obvious to the point of being comedic. To where hours are spent in initial conversation, actual flirting takes place, drinks are drank and information is exchanged, to be followed by ... nothing. Or when dogged pursuit of me takes place over months until it finally sinks in that someone is trying to date me, I get two pretty good dates and, again, lots of attraction and giggling and flirting and then ... nothing. Guy you danced with for three hours who told you his life story ... nothing. Guy who made so much sense on paper, who you thought was kismet because you just kept meeting, on accident, over and over ... nothing. Guy you have everything in common with, even birthdays and the things you hate ... nothing. Guy who says he loves you so much he could never date you because boyfriends come and go but a friendship is forever. So ... nothing.
What's funny about the last one is that I don't have enough boyfriends to even know what that means. The grand total of two looms over me like the raven looms over Poe.
When others listen to Marsha Ambrosia sing songs of hoping her ex gets cheated on by Ray J's ex-girlfriend and think of heartbreak, I hear "what an odd, but fun song." When others listen to Mariah Carey scream "We Belong Together," I thought about how much I then missed my career in journalism. (I was on break when the song came out.) When I dig up some old En Vogue after listening to some K-Pop chicks butcher "Don't Let Go (Love)" I focus on the amazing feat that is Dawn's voice. When I hear an autotuned Jamie Foxx warble abut how "Fall For Your Type," I always think "Falling for the same person over and over again. What a concept. Does just falling for unobtainable people and ending up in the 'and then nothing happened' situation count as falling for a type. Is non-existent a type?"
I don't have a frame of reference for real romantic hurt or exitement or frustration anymore because I haven't had that kind of love in so long I don't even remember what it felt like.
You can't miss what you haven't had in a decade.
It's almost like it never happened. I'll read old lovelorn poetry and journal entries and wonder what happened to that person. I'll cry, but when I cry it's over the nothing. The frustration with the nothing. The anticipation and the constant let down of not even getting to lies and hurt feelings because I can't even get to a date or kissing or flirting. That it can't be because of the made up reasons guys didn't date me in college, because I'm not remotely that person anymore.
Plus, in college I had those two relationships. College, with all the hurt feelings and disappointment that came with it also came with at least being in failed relationships. I don't even get the chance to do anything meaningfully wrong to ruin my chances. I don't even get the opportunity to completely botch the thing. It's like I show up for tests only to find signs that say "test cancelled come back next month." But the test is always cancelled. There is no month where the test is available for me to take and get a more traditional dissappointment of a broken heart like others.
It's weird to gripe about not getting the pleasure of being lead on and jerked around. But at least there some fun leading up to that horrible about face. I'd like to have some the fun. Just once. For a little while. And to have it be blessedly mutual. Not all the those times where he's divorced and married me in his mind and I'm waiting for the check to arrive.
I know that the key to romantic success is to just keep trying and meeting people and getting out there. But, shit dude, can't you at least play along for a little while so we can both find a reason not to date each other, rather than having one really great conversation, then never seeing each other again? It's starting to freak me out.
Sometimes I think because my mother was so uptight about romantic love that all my adult relationships have been tethered by the same mix of daughterly duty and self-control. That maybe I can't find romance for the same reason I can't beat people up in my dreams. That despite being an adventurous, open-minded person, I am still bound by some subconscious level of believing this is not for me. That's just something other people do. That I still have rules for myself and I have to follow these rules and the rules are forever. I can't let go. I can't get caught up in a moment. I can't relax. I can't just let myself get lost or carried away. I can't let anything happen that I can't control.
But if it is me, it truly must be subconscious as I really wish I would stop it. I'd really like for love to be more than the car crash I drive by while it happens to everyone else but me.
Reader Comments (14)
You know Danielle I'm glad I'm not the only one seeing a therapist. While we, snob-like women, all have had a structured upbringing there's always a rub. I'm thankful my therapist helped me see mine. It sounds like she/he is helping you too- or at least you've identified the root cause. Now, for us both it's just figuring out how to stop the pattern of behavior. You're not alone in the 'it's never me' mind frame. It sucks. But don't be like me and get and him and scramble to keep him all bc I wanted an 'experience'. It ended with me hurt in the end and him going right along in life. You don't want to feel that.
Truth is though, from your story, you have had experiences. While few of them have panned out, at least you're not under a rock. That's what finding a mate is all about, right? In the meantime, explore your options- online dating, blind date hook ups, matchmakers??? My point is, you're not alone in your feeling. There are more of us that feel the same way you do than you think. Try to remain hopeful. <---it's getting me through the days. :-)
Wow. Sometimes when I read your entries where you do peel off a few layers of yourself, I feel as if I get you. Cause some of the stuff you say, mainly about being somewhat of the odd girl left out, I get that as I have struggled with that off and on from childhood into adulthood. It's a cliche kinda of thing to say, but yeah.. it's true. As for this entry.... I get what you are saying but I'm one of the folks that want to tell you that you are lucky to be spared the hurtful events in a relationship. I wouldn't wish the hurt that I went through on ANYONE. It's a sucker punch, gut wrenching, ulcer producing pain. Who wants that? Even the road leading up to it because it just means (at least in my opinion) that the road wasn't solid to begin with. It was broken but the lust got in the way tricking the road's appearance to make it look like the road to "ever after" (whatever that is) when it was fake.
Honestly, in my own experiences I've only had three serious relationships. I'm currently on my third. The first I'm willing to admit that I was young and wasn't ready. I was 21/22. The guy was near 30 and wanted marriage. I wasn't ready. It was tough but we mutually parted ways. but in the end became the best of friends. The second (that produced the hurt) was a train wreck. Partially my fault for not really seeing the guy for who and what he is or just in plain denial. The signs were all there. This third one.. came as a surprise. I'm doing the whole "just be" or coasting as we go along. This is my wish for every single girl on the battlefield of love. This kind is pretty scary because your are pretty much letting go of expectations and letting things be. It sounds like a gamble, and probably is, but right now it's working... (going on 5 years)
In the times when I wasn't in a relationship I was enjoying being single, but frustrated when I did come across a guy I liked and wondered why The Nothing was happening. One guy in particular comes to mind. We met online and had wonderful conversations for a few weeks. We went out once and had a lovely time (at least i thought we did) yet, when I tried to follow up it went down hill. The interest was gone. Funny thing is I look up on Facebook (not literally. turned out we have a mutual friend) and he is now married with a kid. A lovely family. For a few moments I wondered why nothing materialized between us because we shared some of the same interest and the conversations we very stimulating. Yet I chalked it up that it wasn't meant to be and I'm totally fine with this.
The link you make between your mom's stiffness towards opposite sex interaction and your dating life is pretty interesting. Maybe it is how you say with the rules, you are subconsciously still living by them. I'm curious to know how you were able to temporarily "forget" the rules to end up with a husband, even if it was for a short while.
What's funny (about me) is, I often wonder, with all that I have been through with the second relationship I should be bitter by now and ready to throw my hands up. But that means I wouldn't have met the guy I'm with now, or even worse took my bitterness out on him (yuck!). In that same breath I wonder would I be singing a different tune if I wasn't in a relationship, especially as a lot of my friends around me are married with only a few of my single friends left on the field. If I were totally single how would I view dating, love, sex, relationships and this entry?
All I know is... though you may want to experience the car wreck, even the mutual time spent (no matter how fake it is deep down) leading up to the wreck...... it IS an odd wish and I get it and don't question it.. but just know someone (a mere stranger) wishes something better for you. A geniune love. Something that all of us deserves.
Uh-oh.
One. Congratulations for making your way through all that. Normally I attempt to make things fun for the reader, but this was one of those times when I just kind of went on a ramble and rambled on and on and on. So I hope that for what it's worth, some of that was entertaining.
Secondly -- @ Mahoganie Jade Browne and Iesha Malisha:
Actually, I've been in the car crash. That was my nightmarishly bad marriage that left me so emotionally crippled I didn't date for at least five of those seven years after 9/11 because I was so violently mad over how that relationship panned out that I just wanted to hurt someone as badly as someone had hurt me, so I purposely did not date as so no innocent person was hurt by my pain and rage. Which is why desiring a car crash is so bizarre for me, but accurate in the sense that a decade is a really long time without a substantial relationship. I'm human. And I'm pretty bored romantically. The horrible marriage gave me the great gift of foresight, which keeps me avoiding bad relationships, so I am not capable anymore of the level of romantic delusion you need to properly get into a car wreck.
I don't think I could do that now if I tried.
Also, none of the guys I've been interested in for the past two years turned into anything other than friendship. And while friendship is very nice and can be quite intense at times even, friendship is not romance. I'm not really worried about becoming too odd in a relationship, because I actually don't need a lot (I'm pretty busy most of the time), but I would like the reasonable distraction of the opposite sex sometimes instead of the usual -- which is someone liking me and me being somewhat indifferent or me like someone quite a bit and them being emotionally unavailable or indifferent. Because, again, this makes me think the problem is me (even though no one seems to want to go there with me on that one who knows me in real life).
I'm pretty pragmatic and mature in my approaches with dating and romance, but I don't feel like being those things have made my dating life easier. If anything, there is just a new level of frustration where you wonder if you're the only one who views things this way. If everyone else is just bumping blindly into each other, ignorantly falling in and out of each others lives, and I guess I'm supposed to feel superior, sitting up in my ebony tower of "specialness," tsk-tsking their melodramatic ways, but they at least look like they live their lives, and enjoy them perhaps more fully, have more adventures and take more risks.
I've usually figured out something will be a waste of my time two seconds into the first conversation. Then it becomes a matter of, will I just do it anyway out of sheer boredom, or not waste either's time as that's how I ended up in my horrible marriage? So I almost always opt to never waste anyone's time, which means ... you guessed it ... all that nothing happening all the time.
I think my mother created that ebony tower of "specialness" somehow in my brain by insisting it was probably a good thing that I just stayed out of the fray. The "rules" I thought she gave were really all euphemisms of her natural fear of me getting knocked up in high school. And, again, they didn't work as I ended up in that marriage. And I ended up in that situation because I did not trust my judgment, something my mother had inadvertently taught me not to trust by telling me there was no way I could properly comprehend if I was in love or not. So when my ex-husband told me we were meant to be together and I realized I, at the time, did not feel the same way, I just went along with it because ... "What did I know?" But I don't want to blame my mother for that. There were other factors at play as things went along. I did eventually fall very in love with the guy against all my better judgment. But, again, I did not trust that judgment as it kept me perpetually single.
I give myself a lot more leeway to mess up and make mistakes and experience things when it comes to friendships and career and other life choices. And sometimes I think I have a subconscious preference for the emotionally unavailable because it fits a well-worn pattern. I don't think I'm consciously picking out men who will never reciprocate. I think that was something I did as a teenager, on purpose, because I was so afraid of rejection, and the thought of the relationship almost always was more exciting than the actual guy, who usually ended up being all wrong once I saw him up close. But if I'm still doing the same thing as an adult, but completely unaware of it, again, I would like to stop doing that, but I'm not really sure how if it is purely subconscious.
Other than avoid male friendships and crushes, which, I have done in the past. But, again, that didn't really improve anything. If anything, it further fortified that ideological tower I live in. Now, I don't even allow myself the mistake of falling in love with my emotionally unavailable male friends by making sure I just don't have any close male friends I would ever want to date.
So, you see where I'm going here? It's like the more I push myself out there, the more solidified I get in that tower, but it's built by my subconscious, so I don't even really know how or why I'm doing it. It's very frustrating.
This was/is such a brilliant expose on the life of a person/woman seeking to understand. While reading, I was thinking, "get out of my head". I too had the same 'mother' giving the subtle talks about boys and men. It wan't until I grew up, that I realized/remembered that my mother had 'boyfriends/husband and adulturous relationships the whole time she was giving me these little talks. I suspect in my case, that my mother 'wished' me to be/remain unloved for whatever reasons, as none of my siblings were given this emotional/psychological crutch. They all have relationships, marriages, broken hearts, un-wed pregnancies etc. And there I am the eldest, in my case, never married, and pretty much 'over the hill'. Somedays the hurt and bitterness takes my breath away. When I try to engage my mother in what I think happened to my life, a fury and rage comes over my mother that is puzzling. It's as if she is content on my 'nothingness/singleness;, and even resents my awareness of her psychological complicitely in this aspect of my life. Whats done is done. I hope for you to break free of your 'ebony tower' and find the love, happiness, relationship and desires of your heart.
Danielle- and anyone else....Try Paul over at One Degree From Me(www.OneDegreefrom.me)
I'm serious! He really helped me sort my relashionship pitfalls. It's one thing to have a therapist sort your inner most issues but an entirely different thing to have someone breakdown your dating life- the good, the bad and the ugly. I PROMISE YOU, he's worth every penny. Once I finished my initial consult, I knew I wasn't in the right frame of mind or emotion to date seriously bc of my then recent break up. ( I sought Paul out bc I was tired of failing at relationships and I wanted a plan to do better)
So this is just one option that can help you get through your 'fear of flying' and really allow you to see what you are even doing to inhibit yourself. You'll be quite surprised. :-)
"I've usually figured out something will be a waste of my time two seconds into the first conversation."
Of all the pathos in this post, including the responses & responses to responses, this single sentence stood out like a flare over an avalanche.
I can't get beyond the use of "something" in place of "someone."
I hopefully assume "2 seconds" is actually "a few minutes/days" because otherwise...
Likewise, I'm not-at-all optimistic about my translation of "first conversation" into "opening salvo."
Other quickly jotted notes: Perfectly Distilled; too much logic; too many fail-safes; impossible gauntlet; shell-shocked. All of these fleeting thoughts came to me in regarding that single sentence.
I’m not in the business of handing out advice. It is not my forte, not my area of expertise, not even my casual inclination. At all. I can only react & attempt to describe, in detail, my reactions.
Thus, my pure reaction to your post (beyond what I’ve stated above) seemed to be centered on the mother-daughter connection you described so liberally. I thought: What an impregnable approach-avoidance branding, not unlike the so-called Catholic guilt hammered into impressionable young ones, long before they can think critically or refute logically. A Wall, constructed entirely of, and later reinforced by, fear. A Wall that, when viewed from the inside, appears to be created from pragmatic logic, practicality and perseverance/experience.
I’ve much more to contribute, but my thoughts are too fleeting to compose properly at this time, with so many more fires burning (looming government shutdown, ailing spouse, etc.) I’ll try again later.
Keep Smiling
@ Oyan
I really think my mother's fears of teenage pregnancy caused her to overreact on this issue, as well as her own personal conservatism. Talking about romance (despite being engaged in a very lengthy and productive one with my father, of whom she is still married), was just very uncomfortable for her. It was just odd because she was so open about everything else. Even teaching me sex ed in the third grade because she didn't want me to learn misinformation about my body. I think she thought love would "just happen" as it sort of had for her. What was strange was that neither of my parents saw this as a priority, to talk about romantic love, and expected us to initiate the conversation -- despite the fact that I don't remember having to ask to talk about sex at nine as at nine I had no thoughts of sex. So it seemed weird that they made it a priority for me to learn how to write a check, save money, type, interact with strangers, play the piano, write thank you notes, and behave at formal dinners -- all things I didn't ask to learn about -- but just assumed I'd figure out love from osmosis.
@ Iesha:
I'm actually friends with Paul. I think he might fall under my selection of friends and relatives who think I'm not the problem and I'm just over-thinking what has been a dry patch of unrelated dating misfortunes.
This is my first time reading your blog and I completely relate to what you wrote. I have a similar story and you had me laughing out loud. Great. Thanks.
Danielle, my dear. I feel your pain, and have four things to say. First, you are in DC, aren't you? That is the main problem. Black women and dating, and DC just don't go together. DC is the ONLY place where I had a man literally treat me like a piece of meat within minutes of going into a club, and then get upset that I didn't response as if grateful. Second, those friends who told you that you didn't miss much except pain and heartbreak are correct. I was hardly happier than my 30th birthday when the hell of my 20s was over. Third, I know what I'm talking about because in many ways I was you, plus the hellish 20s added in. I had parents who thought it was a sin to get a phone call from a boy, and had only one date while I lived at home - I was a baby genius in college, he was a med student, and my dad took him in the garage to show the guy his gun collection. The guy ran away after giving me a necklace and a nice note. Never saw him again, never had another date until I moved out. So I was out on the street naive as a baby bird when I started those hellish 20s, and got married because I was horribly lonely. Anyhooo - here's number four: it gets better. I'm on my third marriage, in my late 40s, with two little kids from hubby 3, and I'm blissfully happy. Seriously. Head's up - marriage number 2 happened because I was lonely - again! Began and ended in the blink of an eye. The moral of the story: Don't settle. You're fab. Believe the right one is out there, envision him, move toward it, don't look back, and don't settle, ever. At least that's what (finally) worked for me.
This was a very interesting read.
I've also found myself frustrated with the whole 'nothing' situation. I used to ask myself 'why not me?' all the time. After all, I have stock: I'm attractive, intelligent, passionate, etc. etc. etc. Why wouldn't guys ask me out, or why wouldn't I have an interesting love life? Why does everyone around me have these opportunities except me?
So I began to make dating a top priority. After all, I have the most options now, since I'm young. I began searching rigorously. Joining dating websites, joining clubs, looking for all sorts of opportunities to meet guys.
I then met who I thought was 'the one' a couple of months later. He looked great on paper, and I really wanted to make it work. He showed some red flags in the beginning, but I decided I deserve the experience of a relationship. I was attracted to him, and I was tired of being 'rigid'. I decided to stop caring and just let whatever happen. I wanted to see how it would pan out, and I decided not to restrict myself based on the possibility of getting hurt. So I finally had a boyfriend, ignored all the red flags, and enjoyed the illusion for a while.
Anyway, it ended poorly, and when it did, I realized I had lowered my standards and disrespected myself for the sake of having an experience. Broken hearts are one thing; not every relationship works out. However, the crash and burn scenario, where it's not a mutually fulfilling relationship sucks your soul dry. I finally realize that I choose dignity. If living a dignified life, including treating myself with respect and love means I have to be single for the rest of my life, so be it.
That doesn't mean I won't date, or be open to the possibility of having a companion. I just feel like when you're unhappy being single, you end up taking the first thing that gives off the illusion of something real, even when it's not...out of sheer desperation.
I don't think you are completely to blame for not finding love. However, I do think if you find yourself only being interested in those who are not interested in you, that is a type and it's not a good one, obviously. I know because I used to have the same type.
Anyway, I hope you find your way. Keep your head up.
Hi,
My answer is simple...you have a love of BOOKS. The literary world though can not cradle you in the middle of the night cradles us through your writings. Your writing is engaging and thought provoking and I for one would prefer that to a 25 year marriage that ended in divorce at the age of 53.
Enjoy today...it's all any of us has.
Danielle- i stumbled across my first dose of "blacksnob" last night as I skimmed through Essence jan.2012 issue and i was hooked..i was hooked at the realness you shared..sharing of your insecurities,doubts and fears. It is nice to read articles which allow women the opportunity to relate . At least you are living your life and taking the risk to learn people, places and things despite your past relationships and experiences with them.
i feel inspired and unafraid after reading this article. life is a journey and you are living yours.
mannie with www.theabsolutemost.com