The Black Snob Goes Back On The (Meet) Market
Tuesday, June 30, 2009 at 12:00PM 
A few years back I went on dating strike. It wasn't that I was upset with men. (I love you all appropriately.) It was more that I was really angry and in no position to be dating anyone. I'd gotten out of a bad, long-term relationship with the starter husband and was ready to lay waste to anyone who dared to look upon me. But now, after mellowing, learning, loving and some self-discovery I have finally stamped myself with the label "No Longer Too Angry To Date." Meaning ... Lawd, I'm going back out there again.
Out there is out into the big wide world of menfolk in search of someone to spend time with. Out there can be fun (Yay! I love going to the zoo!) or horrifying (Boo! All you want to talk about is your stupid car.) But it's worth it. (I think.) The only frustrating thing about all this is that I have been off-market/on strike for so long (about five years), that I no longer remember how to do things like flirt. It also dawned on me that I'd woefully "let myself go."
After all, me, all Z-Phi n' cowrie shell adorable pre-starter husband glory:
And now, me in a too small jacket post-starter husband, circa 2005:
I'm not even the same person! Who is that chubby woman with the terrible highlights!?
Anyway. I'm slowly rediscovering that I actually don't like looking like crap, have lost 10 more pounds to add to the 40 lbs I lost last year and remembered that I enjoy being pretty. Who knew? I've also learned that giving up is not an option or excuse. Sure. Sweatpants were a great buffer to scare off anyone who dared to flirt with me, but I needed to go back to my closet and get back to dressing like I give two shits.
Now, I did attempt to date last year, but found that I had forgotten how to A) flirt and B) express my interest or disinterest properly. Basically, I'm a rust bucket of emotions. I do a lot of blank stares and "huhs." I plan on going to an event tonight where men may actually be in attendance to do some practice flirting (God, this sounds sad) as well as some networking. So, um, I ask of you ...? Tips? Suggestions? I'm NOT tossing my hair and giggling like a 16-year-old and I refuse to be pushy or blunt. There must be SOME subtle form of cute communication I can use. God, what did I used to do? Touch a guy's arm and say funny things?
Well. At least I have my list of what NOT to do ready:
1. Don't mention awful starter husband.
2. Don't mention not knowing how to flirt.
3. Don't mention not dating for almost five years.
4. Don't be bitter.
5. Don't get drunk.
I think I'm good. And I'll take pictures so I can share this all with you if it goes well. And ... I'll tell you about it anyway even if it doesn't.
View Printer Friendly Version
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (21)
Danielle,
Cowrie shell pre-starter husband glory or too small jacket post-starter husband, circa 2005, I always thought you were fine.
LMAO @ Dovin' it up
whenever i got out of a relationship.....i hopped right back on the wagon. kept the game skills sharp.
I'm sure you'll meet someone nice soon, Danielle. I still say you have to move away to find yourself sometimes. When you relocate to DC, I think you find a better pool of suitors than in MO. I've been through it many times, but I can't imagine living out there.
@ swiv
Yes. That is myself and Big Sis. (My real big sis as if the resemblance doesn't give it away.) It was just after I joined. Hilarity ensued.
@ chas
And aren't you sweet!
Boy, if only I would have discovered this site four years ago...LOL. All the best to you in your quest for love! I had no idea you were a Zeta! I'm a Sigma! Blu-Phi!!!!! Keep yo head up...for the record, subtle touches are a good start. Also, I like the curly hair better than the straight one. It's got a lot more character...catches the eye too.
clearly you're an "semi-old" head.....because i don't think today's neos have VHS tapes anymore.
LMAO!
@ swiv
I joined up back in 99. That year I produced the video side of our step show routine and for some reason poor Big Sis got stuck holding the blank tapes of various sorors who wanted copies of the show.
@ Anarchy1
Thanks, frat. And I do enjoy wearing my hair curly. I just wish I could come up with a magic hairdo that involved zero work. But my hair is demanding "diva" hair that wants to be taken care of. Sigh.
If you plan on ghoing out with a girlfriend, DON'T stay attached at the hip to her all night, or totally deep in conversation with her for too long, either. That makes our job of coming up to you and talking unecessarily harder, because then we have to figure out how to pull your electron off of your girl's orbit.
Beautiful Snob,
I “LMAO” at the ‘practice flirting’ comment. Geez, I thought I was the only ‘way-too-self-conscious’ person who would purposely just try things out, to get the feel right, lol!
I’ve practiced the ‘random approach’ any number of times, just to thicken the skin for the 99% failure rate I gotta expect, and to try out different ideas; all in hopes of havin’ Somethin’ right when (if?) I ever run across the one that’ll one day say “Sure, a Chia Tea together sounds great”.
Most recent ‘practice session’ few weeks ago: LA, deep “urban” neighborhood. I just stroll up, casually introduce myself, politely ask her her name … and … classic moment … she stares … mouth WFO (that’s WideFullOpen for ya non-motorcycle racin’ folk) and stammers out … “This ain’t NEVA happene't ta me!” (And, probably it hasn’t, lol).
Never did get a name …
Tell us ALL about it Beautiful Snob. We can compare notes, see how it works goin’ both ways.
Wish you the Best! Knock ‘em OUT!
Okay, I am apparently quite good at putting out the appropriate signals (appearing open and flirtacious) but not so great at receiving them (twenty minutes later realizing that a cute guy was flirting with me and asking me out...what a missed opportunity!). Just be gregarious, speak and smile to everyone (male and female), don't be obvious, don't put so much pressure on yourself, and genuinely have a good time! Remember this is about YOUR journey and enjoy the carefree position you are in. Oh, and appear confident but not cocky (even if your knees are knocking, wear pants! LOL!). You have a beautiful smile, you are smart and quirky without being weird ( a line I tend to cross because of my own obsession with zombies and vampires...don't ask!) and begin to enjoy your extra lusciousness, even as you melt them away! I want a report back!!
You will be fine. Men tend think that any attention paid to them by women is flirting. Every time we exit a room we think that there was at least one woman in that room who was feeling us. Dating is more about letting men know that you are not interested, than letting us know that you are.
As odd as it sounds, I actually learned to flirt after I got married. Started to calm down and not be nervous in social settings. Flirting is just making other people feel at ease. Firstly, put yourself in situations that you feel comfortable in. Go to your favorite restaurant/nightclub/whatever, not the place where the 'mens' are supposed to be. People are drawn to other people who seem to be comfortable in their own skin - they'll respond to you positively whether you initiate or they do. (side note - if you are a sports fan and are somewhere with a game on a tv, if you appear to be watching it with interest, some guy will start a conversation. If you know your sport, even better) You are smart, cute and funny - be more concerned about if the prospect is worthy of your time, not the other way around. Don't worry about eyelash batting, giggling, witty remarks or that stuff - if you're feeling him, then your subconscious will take over to get the message to him in the way you feel comfortable doing.
Showing interest in what the other person is saying and being a warm person is the best way to flirt/connect with strangers I think.
Good luck! Be careful though, them waters can be a wee bit dangerous? At this point in your life, are you open to men with children?
YAY!!!! Dating is fun--Getting dressed up, enjoying social activities, eat snacks! what is there not to like?
Keep a running list of things that you would not mind doing(movies & local events)--it helps when the guy says, "we should get together and hangout sometime"
online dating is a testament to marketing--know your audience, realize you are working with a limited population...blah blah blah...but it too can be fun. Just remember to keep it safe when meeting "I-don't-know-if-you-are-Mr. Stranger Danger".
Keep flirting simply--Make eye contact and smile.
Even if it is horrible, enjoy a nice dessert and think about the great story you will have to share.
When you get around to it, it is a pretty good idea to keep in mind these 5 questions, because for many guys they are NOT the same thing.
Are you hanging out with anyone
Are you talking to anyone
Are you seeing anyone
Are you sleeping with anyone
Are you dating anyone
My favorite piece of advice for smart talented women is to remind them that they should not have to be a pastel version of themselves for him to feel like a man. If you are biting your tongue, he is probably not the one.
Happy Dating.
:)
T
Just relax and have fun. You're a brilliant woman and that fact is impossible for you to hide. I wouldn't recommend any flirting techniques or stuff like that. I'd just say smile every now and then and enjoy the mojitos! Everything will work itself out after that. :-)
I think it's great that you're getting back out there but you were just as pretty pre- and post- starter husband. There's so a problem with women not being able to love themselves whatever their size...
Good luck!
lmao! you are too funny. the three golden rules of how to act around a guy you want to date are 1) smile, 2) laugh at his jokes 3) wear a cute outfit that will make you exude confidence. you'll be dating in no time. good luck!
I've always met men by just going out and having fun without thinking about men. When you meet a guy that you're digging the flirting comes naturally. Just have fun in the moment. Congrats on moving on after heartbreak and living your life.