Happy Daddy Issues Day
Friday, June 12, 2009 at 9:54AM 
Whether you have a father in your life or not doesn't spare you from "Daddy Issues."
I think everyone has them whether their father was home every night for dinner like mine or a ghost who wanted nothing to do with their kids. It's just unavoidable. The severity of the issues depends on the father.
My father is a good father. He worked hard, he held down a great job, we were always well taken care of and had everything we could ever need. But he is also emotionally withholding and stoic. He's the strong, silent-type, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. All my childhood I've been obsessed with getting him to do the one thing he can't -- open up.
More after the jump.
He can swoop in and pay my bills, rescue me from a craptacular marriage, solve my problems financially, if he has to, do whatever he physically can do, but if you're looking for emotional support -- go to your mother. Thank goodness for my mother, who is warm and affectionate and loving, but that never stopped me from being starved for my dad's attention.
They say men and women pursue partners who are similar (or the exact opposite) of their parents. I, with my need for affection and gregarious personality, am fatally drawn to men who are unable to express themselves emotionally. Most of the men I've seriously dated or loved have been some form of stoic and I have banged my head against the wall trying to get them to open up and express themselves to me. It's a sort of delusional self-torture I engage in. I'll meet a funny, talkative guy and make him my best friend, then go and pursue the silent, mystery man who may be benign or could be an obsessive, clingy, controlling ass.
When I meet a nice, smart guy who doesn't talk, all I want to know is more. And he's not telling. Which only makes me want him more and project upon him visions of a deep, ponderous thinker with a wealth of rich emotion inside. But, you see? That's MY DAD. My father IS a deep, ponderous thinker, who underneath all his self-imposed stoicism is really emotional and that stoicism was created to supress his emotions, which run deep, passionate and high for my mother and sisters. Sure, we can go days without talking, but the minute we need him, or there's a sign of trouble, or if he's just wistful and remembering the love of his mother who died when he was a teen, the deep, emotional guy reveals himself.
But most of the guys I meet who don't talk always turn out to be non-talkers because they honestly have nothing to say. Shallow is as deep as it goes.
This isn't to say that all guys I've dated have been this way. I've dated my share of chatty, charismatic charmers. They're fun. But they also tend to be a little superficial. The stoic guys never seen to care whether or not I'm dressed to the nines all the time. They don't request that I wear heels and don't mock me if I wear my long hair natural that day.
I wish I could meld the two in some kind of way. Meet a charismatic charmer who knows when to talk and when to shut up. Who isn't superficial, but isn't withholding. But then, I wish I didn't care so much what my dad thinks all the time, even if there's a good chance he's not thinking what I'm thinking at all.
Reader Comments (11)
Maybe you can find what you are looking for in yourself and then just accept a guy as he is without projecting all of those needs on him.
Anyway that's the lesson I was forced to learn from someone who refused to be who I wanted/ needed her to be in a relationship.
Good luck.
"Whether you have a father in your life or not doesn't spare you from "Daddy Issues.""
So very true. Great journal entry. :-)
@ Monie
I think I suffer from the problem of trying to improve on my relationship with my father with the men I've dated. I'm basically looking for some form of validation or approval. It's a pretty common problem, although I'm not quite sure what I need from myself to remedy it. I already know that my father is proud of me, yet part of me refuses to believe it and thinks there's more I need to do. You could argue that a good portion of my ambition, at least half of it, is about me wanting his attention. Which I think is rather pathetic, but if I'm honest about it, I know that's true. My mother can say I'm great and I'm like, whatever. But if my dad even shows a glimmer of interest in something I'm doing it can fuel me for months.
If I knew the answer, I would give it to myself. Self-torture is the cruelest.
Wow I've been dealing with my Daddy issues a lot lately. I had the nonexistent Dad who wasn't around, but would pop up occasionally with the "Daddy loves you" stuff, which rang hollow. Trying to build a relationship but he keeps pushing me away but then when I say I'm done he guilts me into letting him back in. Sigh. And I seem to have relatinships with guys that are short and they are never emotionally satisfiying and they pop off. Usually don't come back. Wish I could exorcise that Daddy demon hanging over me.
Oh and there are long periods with no relationships, just like with my Dad. I feel ya girl. Would be nice though to have somebody other than Mom to pick me up when I bruise my knee, especially since she needs someone to help her out, not me dragging her down.
@Danielle
Yeah I know what you mean. For me it's "mommy" issues. My mom was into laissez-faire mothering. I had to learn as an adult to mother myself otherwise I was going to be constantly demanding to be mothered by the person I was involved with. All in all I've learned to do it pretty well. I still have relapses but this constant need of mine no longer causes huge problems in relationships.
I understand. I had a dad who was emotionally distant, and my mother says suffered from chronic depression. He grew up in a house without tons of hugs and kisses and pats on the back, so we never got that from him. He passed away when I was 13, and it was only then that i realized we would never get to have that talk where I finally understood where he was coming from. So, I'm left wondering, and also found myself looking for people who have emotional issues and are distant, hoping I can be the one special enough to crack their shell.
@Monie: "Maybe you can find what you are looking for in yourself and then just accept a guy as he is without projecting all of those needs on him."
Wow. That one sentence says so much. It says it all, really.
The good thing is that you're conscious of why you pick certain men.
Oh wow. Did I write this? I am working my ass off to get out of that habit. I want someone who talks but yet I will go to the ends of the earth to chaise the guy that doesn't talk. Why oh why.