How To Break Up With People You're Not (Really) Dating
Friday, November 27, 2009 at 4:30PM 
For the first time in a long time I had to break up with someone, of sorts. We weren't really in a relationship. We rarely talked on the phone. We'd gone out on a few dates and he was nice enough, but I think we both knew this was going no where. Something about the time he invited me out to the concert then informed me at the concert that I needed to buy my own ticket. Nice guy, but ... um, a little warning would have been nice considering the level of brokeness both of us were operating under.
Anyway, I felt kind of bad because I did my usual thing of "avoidance" in ending our nothingness. He essentially called me the night before I moved to Washington, D.C. and I had to tell him that I was going far, far away and that he was cool n' all, but I'm MOVING TO THE CHOCOLATE CIT-TAAAAY and we'll probably never, ever see each other again. Since we were barely dating, I think he took it pretty well, and was a good sport about it. We were just going in different directions and we both knew it. Besides, I had this strong urge to give him a total makeover and if I can't like a guy for whatever he is when I first meet him it's just never going to work.
I've been told by people in the past that I have a somewhat "masculine" attitude towards dating and relationships. I don't really believe in gender stereotyping, so I see it more that I have a REALISTIC attitude towards what I expect out of men. There have been plenty of times when I've relied on men to be rational, not emotional, about whatever we have going on. Especially if it's not going anywhere. Usually the man and I both know we're both wasting time, so there's no hard feelings when one decides they're tired of the other. There was never anything more horrifying for me than someone who didn't realize the true nature of things, got carried away and lead me down the awkward dance of "She's Not That Into You."
When I like you, it's pretty obvious. I call. I write. I let you know what I'm up to. I'm affectionate. I care about your feelings and what you're doing. I check on you when you're sick. I remember your birthday. If I see things as "Dead On Arrival," I never call, I don't write, I don't care ... but I am polite and cordigal. Just because I'm not that into you doesn't determine whether or not I'll date you. But it does determine whether or not we have any kind of future. Most people have just enough intuition to pick up on this, but there's always at least one person who chooses to ignore the fact that I'm just being polite. Like there was this one character who I met in a St. Louis Bread Company over the summer who I had a lengthy conversation with. This was partially my own fault in some respects, because I'll have a conversation with just about anybody. And some men think a smile is flirting, so a three-hour conversation was practically a green light for him.
Even though I saw no future, I figured we could at least have some fun, but then he started calling around the clock, then stood me up on a date to the zoo. Then, rather than just tell me that he couldn't make the date, he just avoided my phone calls all day too "afraid" to tell me he couldn't make it. (HIS WORDS!) But then as soon as that day passed on, he went right back to calling me constantly. I was so annoyed by the whole thing and even though I was avoiding answering whenever he rang, I finally just had to tell him to stop calling me. I mean, I wasn't calling him. I was annoyed whenever he called. How thick could you be? Of course, I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore because he stood me up, rather than say, "You're annoying as fuck and we have no future. Please stop." He basically thought I was crazy, which was the point. "You want to end the friendship over this?" he whimpered. What friendship? I suppressed the eye-rolling and stuck with my line. He stopped calling. Hallelujah.
Reality is, I'll do almost anything to avoid a messy, emotional scene. ("It's ME not you!") Anything. And I don't take it personal if some guy asks for my number and never calls because ... I never expect them to call. Because 9 times out of 10, I don't call when some guy gives me their number. I usually pick up on hints pretty easy. If someone's not interested I'm not going to force the issue because ... why? If I like someone, I will sometimes just tell them and face whatever consequences come from that. The hard part is if I chose to stay friends with them after that. I usually don't remain friends with people I'm attracted to because it just causes too many problems. If I'm still speaking to you after you've determined that "You're Just Not That Into Me," you must be pretty damn interesting outside of the obvious, because I'm like the movie "Heat" -- I will walk out on something in 30 seconds flat no matter how great it is if I feel it's no longer good for my health and well-being. (see, Husband, Starter) I mean, I'm friends with none of my exes. I love hard. I hate hard. Then I hit a giant patch of "indifference" and it's just over. People will ask me with bright-eyes if I still speak to Starter Husband or Suave Tre or some other dude I used to love and I will look at them like they have a hole in their head. I remember how Starter Husband told me he didn't want to get a divorce if it meant good-bye forever. I moved to California and never looked back. It wasn't like he was sad. He was just pissed off that I left and he couldn't control me anymore. He cursed out my lawyer because her number was the only one he had. No begging. No pleading. No sorry babe for cheating on you and ruining your credit rating. Just anger and blasphemy. I didn't want to play the game anymore. I'm sure he got over it being a cold-hearted manipulator and all.
Ice coldness now aside, I'm not kidding when I say that I love hard. That's part of the reason why I have to be so dispassionate about casual relationships and guys that I'm never going to marry. It's very easy for me to get caught up emotionally and loose my head. (Again, see Husband, Starter) Too many people are just in love with the idea of love and forget to protect themselves. Sometimes you have to be a little ice cold. You have to be prepared for things to not work out like you want. And you have to be ready to walk away, hard, and just never, ever look back and wonder "What if" and think that somehow he or she might magically change into what you've always wanted just cause. Because as my father has repeated often, "People don't change." Or they don't change for you. Maybe for themselves or for other reasons, but very rarely do they drop everything and become what you want because that's what you need.
The only guy I ever regretted breaking up with was the guy who dumped me for Jesus. Again, I don't have anything to do with him because I don't have anything to do with folks I broke up with. That and it would have been IMPOSSIBLE to be friends with him. I just liked him too much. He had his issues (JESUS!) and I had mine (Um ... things that Jesus was trying to help me with). Despite our incredible magnetism there was a slight age difference, the fact that he hadn't dated much and felt he needed to end it a month out because if he continued he saw himself falling in love with a heathen of sorts. He didn't SAY heathen, mind you, but I knew that's what he meant when he said he wanted a girl on the same spiritual path as him. I don't know how many times I've told this story to other black women and got "THE FACE" from them. "What's wrong wit u, gurl! Don't you know womens is tryin' to get a good black man to GO TO CHURCH and you break up with the one that DOES!?!?!" But, c'mon. Let's be realistic. If I'm a Christmas-Easter Christian and you're a in-church-five-days-a-week Christian, we're going to have issues at some point. The MOST I was willing to do is go to church on Sundays. I like church. That seemed just fine. But five days a week?
Still, he was such an awesome man that I wanted badly to give him to SOMEONE. I knew there had to be some five-day-a-week church chick who was dying for a jazz pop standard singing, Churchy-Mc-Church guy who liked politics, kids and dogs. But everybody has their something and I realized that while I always say he dumped me for Jesus, there were likely other things at play -- like the age difference and his lack of experience and the fact that the way he was with me, he wasn't with anybody. I completely freaked out a friend of his a few years back when I told her how much I missed him and went on about how attractive he was and she was like "Ew! I just don't look at him that way." I mean, he completely de-sexualized himself with other people to the point that they just assumed he didn't think about things like the opposite sex. Yeah. Sure. OK. I could testify to otherwise. But considering that he had such a horrible time dating before me and stopped dating altogether after me (I hope he eventually started dating again), I'm just going to conclude that there was something else going on internally.
But sometimes, I wonder if I'd been a little less pragmatic and just said "I REFUSE!" when he tried to break up with me, as opposed to being rational and mature and cold-blooded and shit, what would have happened? I wasn't in the best place mentally when I was with him. (Re: undiagnosed bipolar disorder!) Realistically, I could have also fallen as hard for him as he was falling for me. Was it better to break up one month out before anyone got their feelings hurt, or to just string the thing along for a year, then have some HELLISH break up full of tears and acrimony and craziness? Because, um, that's where I was going to go with this guy. If I was going to love dude, I was going to love hard, because I know no other way. And then it would have just been this battle of wits, of me versus JESUS, of whom I had a good, 50-50 chance of losing to miserably. And then there was the wild card of undiagnosed bipolar disorder and the fact that I was just a nightmare mentally at the time. And he would have just been this LOVELY distraction to keep me from dealing with my own problems.
But nothing ever happened. We went our separate ways saying we would be friends, both knowing full well, LIKE HELL WE WOULD, lest someone would lose their religion. And even though I'm not a Churchy-Mc-Church person, I'm just religious enough to not want to get between some guy and his God. So I just endure the looks of exasperation when I tell this story from about 80 percent of the black women of a certain age that I tell it to. Live by the code and you live with the results, good and bad.
The Snob, dating, relationships in Dating, Relationships, The Snob 
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Reader Comments (16)
My significant other told me in the beginning of our relationship that I "think" like a man 95% of the time. I told him he had better get over it because it was not going to change. We've been together for 26 years.
I have no idea why people go into a relationship that they know from the beginning is doomed to failure. Have we all become such self-deluded, love obsessed idiots that we risk damaging ourselves and others simply because we need to feel that we are loved, wanted or desired?
I have friends to this day who still shake their collective heads at the fact that I left my then husband who was too controlling (no I did not see that characteristic until AFTER the marriage) because they considered him to be a IBM (Ideal Black Man). You know the type, educated, successful, tall, dark and handsome. But I needed a partner not a daddy, so I left with my ONE child before that became two or three children and before I ended up hating him. The breakup was civil, we behaved like adults because we did have a child and would be forever linked. So for that I am eternally grateful to him.
But relationships can be minefields but we can navigate a safe path if we take a realistic look at ourselves, our partners and what we REALLY want from that particular or any relationship.
Generally, people don't take the realistic approach to love because it's honestly no fun. For some folks the emotional roller coaster, the breakup to make up, the ups, downs, and everything in between is apart of the "love experience". Granted that's the healthest approach...but for some, it's adds some spice to life and helps break up the monotony of everyday pragmatics
As much as I love your political pieces, and your Obama swoons, I love reading about your personal life even more. I really enjoyed this blog.
All the people who come into our lives are there to teach us lessons. Unless you learn the lesson, the same type of people will continue to show up in your life until the cycle is broken. You have to learn the lesson in order to move on.
Ah! I remember going after a guy I found to be quite attractive, and I got him easily. He fell in love with me and I felt suffocated. The following wasted weeks of my life involved trying to break up with him and him manipulating me right back into a relationship. I still cringe when I think about it. Not because I care, but because every conversation involves him casually mentioning that I shouldn't have dumped him, and me going I don't want you. One time he came to my place, waltzed in and demanded that I kiss him before he left......ha ha I locked him out...but point being I understand the tango. You just reminded me that even I can grow a pair of balls and get what I want. As for Mr. Mc Needy...we are in the permanent friend zone across state borders (Amen!)
Love, love, love, your blog by the way!
i can understand wanting to walk the same path. if you're only a two day a year christian, it'd be hard with even a one day a week christian. you have to be equally yoked to some degree, and i applaud him for making the tough decision.
I usually know within an hour of speaking to someone, if I'm going to be happy having them "bother" me for the rest of my life. Let alone a month.
I dont usually give out my number because I cant deal with babies who cant take rejection. I dont "date", per se. I allow myself the chance to know someone from afar. If we get passed the first round, then we can contemplate spending time together out and about.
If a man needs to "try me out", like im a car, for him to decide if im the woman for him, then he definitely isnt the man for me.
We usually know when someone is right or wrong, but some folks needs to have someone makes them stick it out.
Which brings me to how I "broke it off" with someone I wasnt even dating.
Met this guy through a friend. We exchanged three emails. Spoke twice on the phone. All in under a week.
By week two, he'd made plans to dive five hours to see me. Didnt even ask if I was accepting visitors or even free that weekend.
When I brushed him off, he said he'll try to come the following weekend!
Then came the phone calls. From 7am until damn near 12am. 15 times a day. When I refused to answer, it made him increase the calls.
Two weeks of our knowing each other, he sent me a long email saying that if we're going to make our "relationship" work, to be a happily "married" couple, then I needed to answer him calls and make myself more open to him.
Negro puleeze!
So, instead of being a b**** to him. I let him down gently. Told him we werent right for each other, that it was me, not him. Homeboy wasnt listening. He kept being persistent. Finally, I told him in so many words, that his being overbearing and pushy was what made me not be so into him.
After another week, he let it go. For about two months, when he wrote me again and said he wasnt allowing himself to fall in "love" with anyone else. Because he and his family had his heart set on our getting married. As he'd told them so much about me.
Almost made me give up finding Mr. Right.
Almost.
A THREE HOUR CONVERSATION????? I'd love to date a woman who i could talk to for 3 hour non-stop about interesting stuff. That just doesn't happen. Maybe I'm in the minority, but a three hour conversation would at least be grounds for me to ask for your number and try to do that again.
The whole "realistic" vs "emotional" thing is nice, but I really question what "real" means. Is it being so guarded that you don't let people close to you? Is it thinking you have a "formula" for the perfect mate and rejecting anybody that doesn't fit that formula? I consider myself realistic as well, but I'm constantly questioning that as I meet new women every day and think, "it'd never work between us", but have no reason of why other than I have my doubts. But I know exactly why I take this approach - just because it gives me an excuse not to approach her. So would you call that realistic or just afraid?
I've had many 5 hour conversations on the phone. That just means you both like to flab. Hee, hee
Breaking up is hard to do...especially if you're not into a relationship with that person. It's like firing a volunteer. My first I experience with this was a guy that informed me that I would "grow" to love him! I never did.
There is a lot to be said for chemistry. It's either there or its not. It's not a personal issue against the other person, its your personal choice, which you are entitled to make. What we forget is that dating is a lot like finding a job-- You go on a few job interviews before both parties agree that its a right fit. You don't always get the job you want, and you don't always take the job offered. Dating is the process of elimination we embark upon to find that right person. Once I stopped taking it personal, it got a lot easier. Not that I like being rejected, I just realized it wasn't about me.
Also, this I know for sure - we all have that inner fight or flight thing that goes off when we meet the person that is wrong for us. The red siren does blare. We just don't listen - he's so fine, he's financially stable, he's sexy, he's etc, etc, etc,... and I'm lonely. But if we really listen to our inner voice, we know from the beginning if the chemistry is there. Every bad relationship I've had started with a red siren and sweaty palms. I've learn to listen!
I met this guy who asked me out. On our first "date" he looked at the check and then discreetly pushed it across the table to me. I took the hint and we hung out and talked many times afterwards, but it took him a while to figure out that he had forever put himself in the friend box.
I "dated" this other guy as who was my textbook case in he's just not that into you. It took me a long time to accept it, especially since I was and still am in a way, head over heels for that dude, but I learned a lot from him about how to act like a man in a relationship.
I really needed to read this. I was just thinking that I may have given up on a guy too quickly. Never realized there were needy men out there too. My friends asked what went wrong and all I can say is that he was the woman in the relationship. UNACCEPTABLE...
wooooow. thanks!
I think I met my twin!!! I am one that will avoid the emotional break up by avoidance and "backing out of the room," as I call it. I never understood the whole, "closure" conversation, but I do honor it if there is a real friendship with the relationship. I am not friends with any of my exes, and I never look back.
This post is hella old, but I just read it today. I have been reading your blog for only a few short months, but have been delighted by your insights. But iit has been my experience that you do NOT want a man who is "sexualized" to his friends and coworkers. I certainly wouldn't like to think that my husbands female friends were calculating what type of lay he would be. he should save his flirting, and sexual innuendo for me. I want to be the only one to know that he just loooovves the vajayjay. Did he not have a lot of dating experience b/c he had been married? I wouldn't really consider a willingness to commit to trying to make something work, before discounting it and moving on to the next.
Also, I would make sure I tell guys I am "dating, but just not that into" that this is not a "DATE." I don't "date" my friends. we hangout, chill, go places together, meetup, etc. But I would not "date" men without at least telling them so they aren't thinking that maybe you just aren't an affectionate/communicative person. And that may be just what they are looking for in a partner. not necessarily what you or I would want, but some people want relationships that require minimal effort to maintain. Sorry, I don't mean to seem like I'm criticizing you. On the contrary you have been the cause of much introspection on my own part, as well as an inspiration to pursue my own goals.
Reading this I thought someone had stole the pages of my journal as it reflects having "mauscline" ways. Thanks for sharing this it helps in knowing that being real and pragmatic is not wrong when it comes to dating. Thanks for being so open!!!
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