A Season of Dressing Like Crap
Sunday, October 11, 2009 at 10:32AM For most of my life I've considered myself to be a pretty decent dresser except for that dark period known as "the last four years." Some people dress bad because they don't know any better, others are being "ironic," some are anti-fashion, some dress for comfort only and then there was me -- someone who took "dressing like crap" as a big, giant "fuck off" sign to anyone who dared to try to make eye contact.
For four years I didn't want to be pretty or funny or bubbly or friendly. I was angry. So I dressed angry. And sloppily. And like I didn't give a shit. Because I didn't. But now, for whatever reason -- perhaps those meds finally kicked in -- I'm back to wanting to be pretty and girlie and fashionable.
That's part of the reason why I write about clothes and hair so much because I just didn't care for so long. I was rebelling against ... well, nothing actually. I just knew I didn't want to be bothered and I wasn't bothered for a very, very long time.
Of course caring about what you look like comes with its own baggage. Like now I have to budget things I used to ignore, like the dreaded hair salon. I went on a mission to find a stylist who could do my hair in a reasonable amount of time. I could not and would not spend all day in a salon. I can understand it taking nearly four hours to twist up my hair when it's natural, but a friggin' blow out and flat iron shouldn't take seven damn hours. Fortunately, I discovered New York New York Hair Design here in St. Louis and stylist Debra Small who got me in and out and "fabulous" in two hours.
I honestly don't understand why more salons like hers don't get with the program and get more efficient in how they budget time. Time management is usually the main issue I have with most salons. There have been times I've shown up, on time, and been told I had a three hour wait and to come back. I mean, if I made an appointment at 3 p.m. I'd like to be seen somewhere around 3 p.m. My time is valuable to me. I have other things I need to do. What's the point in making an appointment that no one is going to honor? Debra was ready for me the minute I got there. There was zero wait. She did my hair without going into the whole "don't you want a perm" speech. (I've met more stylists who look at my natural hair like it is a foreign object. I mean, you'd think black people would know how to do black hair, but shockingly, that is not always the case.) She was highly knowledgeable about natural hair and came with tons of tips and advice.
As for clothes, that was another story. Why clothing stores can't agree on what a size 16 is drives me nuts. Like a lot of women, I'm bottom-heavy. My rear and hips are way larger than my waist which makes pants near impossible to buy. I go to one store and I wear a size 16-18 in pants. I go to another and I'm a 22. Plus sizes are more like guessing than actual sizes and Lane Bryant has this magical way of making me feel like a whale (even though I'll occasionally like some of their clothes). This was probably another reason why I stopped caring how I dressed for so long. I'd gained weight and didn't feel attractive. After I lost some of it, just like that, clothes didn't seem as terrifying anymore. Since then I've been a bargain fashion hunter.
I think depression had A LOT to do with how I dressed. Who feels like looking cute when inside you're miserable? I dressed how I felt and I felt horrid. My hair was constantly one step from becoming matted because I wore it in the same pulled back scarf/headband combo everyday. I wore tennis shoes with everything and black was the primary color in my wardrobe. It was a stark contrast from the bright colors and great care in being overly matching I did in high school, or my discovery of how to dress like "a woman" once I got to college.
Now I don't think fashion is the end all, be all. Clothes are just that, clothes. To me it's still far more important as to what's going on in your head that what's on your back. But clothes are a form of self-expression and I'm glad my expression is now that of a happy and healthy person, not of a moody, malcontent.
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Reader Comments (17)
dang snob, lol.
I think you look great.
Snob --->HERE<--- Spinster. Our stories (in relation to this entry) are similar enough to scare the shit out of me. :-| We ought to chat about it some time, compare horrid notes.
you look cool...i can relate on the depression, financial aspect and f"fat sizing"; these factors all feed into each other, oine of my bugaboos is finding comfortable yet cute shoes which aren't heels; it was such a hassle I started wearing casual but not fashionable shoes which started me in a down spiral of casual clothes without style. I am looking for a real "fly" icon who dresses casual chic( with fashions for the workplace)... thanks for sharing your experiences.
Great post, I can kind of relate to some of it. I sometime really have to struggle to pull myself together when inside I am feeling like complete crap but when I do I find it helps my mood a bit.
I so feel you on the challenges of finding properly fitting clothes. I'm 6 fft and wear a 4 to a 6 and I think these designers forget that just because you wear a smaller size doesn't mean you need your pants to be short in length
Thanks for the post. Not so much for the comments about clothing and hair, but for the candor and openess in which you discuss deppression and medication. I am currently finishing my final year as a doctoral student in clinical psychology. Far too often, our community ignores signs of depression and we refuse to seek trained, professional assistance. We too often believe that all we need to do is "take it to Jesus", and all of our problems will be solved. I am not knocking anyone's faith and belief system, as I clearly recognize the benefit that it has for manypeople. I just want to say "thanks" for taking one small step in removing the stigma that is so often mental health care.
BTW - Men's clothing are sized in inches. A size 34 waist pair of pants is pretty consistent across the board, from store to store and between designers. I don't know why women just don't use the same sizing system.
I'm glad you're feeling better about things, Danielle. We've all been there at one point. Enjoy your life and new figure. Looking good!
When I let depression get a hold of me I look like a caveman in a Geico commercial, 'cept not so fly.
Wow Snob! I love your journals. You're so brave and honest. You express how so many women feel. I you are truly inspiring. Keep doing what you do!!!
Wallowing much? About time you pulled your shit together.
@ Stella
I don't really consider severe clinical depression "wallowing." But OK.
Thanks so much for this post. I think it is revealing and necessary to put a face to depression and the different emotional phases. I can be the same way in how I dress, if I feel great I look great, but if I'm not feeling it my attire can sometimes suffer. I appreciate that you showed that you don't have to stay in a depressive state and I'm happy that you've turned the corner, that's great! However, Stella's comment is one of the reasons this issue is so "taboo" in our society because when revealing the issue you're made to feel that it's not a "real" issue. Depression is a serious issue that should be discussed and not be made to seem like you're "wallowing" or something that you just need to get over. Snob I commend you for writing such a revealing post about yourself. Keep it up!
Are those open-toe booties?! You betta WORK!! Heels make a woman feel sexy and good! Dont neglect yourself, everybody else can take care of that responsibility!
I'm feeling that dress, Danielle. What kind of sleeves does it have?
And I really, truly appreciate you speaking so openly about mental illness. Reading your posts about your hospitalization helped me to realize that I was depressed myself. You posted on a Sunday in April and the post stuck with me. By Tuesday night, all the puzzle pieces fell into place and I could put a name on what I thought were unrelated issues. I called my mom, she came up to my school on Wednesday, and by Friday morning I was seeing a psychiatrist. In the six months that have elapsed since then, I feel SO much better. I have you to thank for pointing out my depression to me. So, THANK YOU!
@ BuenaventuraAvenue
Thanks. Your story was one of the reasons why I started writing more openly about my illness. I knew that I wasn't the only person out there who needed help and I hoped my stories would help others seek the help they needed. Gosh knows it's hard, but it's worth it to invest in yourself and your health and happiness. I'm glad you were brave enough to seek out that help and got better. That's what really matters. We should all try to live our best lives.
About what I'm wearing (can't recall who asked and too lazy to look):
The dress is actually sleeveless. The shoes are laced up black leather. The jacket is a dark green corduroy with gold accents.
Thanks for the kind comments everyone!
That was unnecessary roughness, I apologize Danielle. You were being quite candid and my snipe was highly uncalled for.
Stella
hi there friends
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thnx dudes.