For most of my life I've considered myself to be a pretty decent dresser except for that dark period known as "the last four years." Some people dress bad because they don't know any better, others are being "ironic," some are anti-fashion, some dress for comfort only and then there was me -- someone who took "dressing like crap" as a big, giant "fuck off" sign to anyone who dared to try to make eye contact.
For four years I didn't want to be pretty or funny or bubbly or friendly. I was angry. So I dressed angry. And sloppily. And like I didn't give a shit. Because I didn't. But now, for whatever reason -- perhaps those meds finally kicked in -- I'm back to wanting to be pretty and girlie and fashionable.
That's part of the reason why I write about clothes and hair so much because I just didn't care for so long. I was rebelling against ... well, nothing actually. I just knew I didn't want to be bothered and I wasn't bothered for a very, very long time.
Of course caring about what you look like comes with its own baggage. Like now I have to budget things I used to ignore, like the dreaded hair salon. I went on a mission to find a stylist who could do my hair in a reasonable amount of time. I could not and would not spend all day in a salon. I can understand it taking nearly four hours to twist up my hair when it's natural, but a friggin' blow out and flat iron shouldn't take seven damn hours. Fortunately, I discovered New York New York Hair Design here in St. Louis and stylist Debra Small who got me in and out and "fabulous" in two hours.
I honestly don't understand why more salons like hers don't get with the program and get more efficient in how they budget time. Time management is usually the main issue I have with most salons. There have been times I've shown up, on time, and been told I had a three hour wait and to come back. I mean, if I made an appointment at 3 p.m. I'd like to be seen somewhere around 3 p.m. My time is valuable to me. I have other things I need to do. What's the point in making an appointment that no one is going to honor? Debra was ready for me the minute I got there. There was zero wait. She did my hair without going into the whole "don't you want a perm" speech. (I've met more stylists who look at my natural hair like it is a foreign object. I mean, you'd think black people would know how to do black hair, but shockingly, that is not always the case.) She was highly knowledgeable about natural hair and came with tons of tips and advice.
As for clothes, that was another story. Why clothing stores can't agree on what a size 16 is drives me nuts. Like a lot of women, I'm bottom-heavy. My rear and hips are way larger than my waist which makes pants near impossible to buy. I go to one store and I wear a size 16-18 in pants. I go to another and I'm a 22. Plus sizes are more like guessing than actual sizes and Lane Bryant has this magical way of making me feel like a whale (even though I'll occasionally like some of their clothes). This was probably another reason why I stopped caring how I dressed for so long. I'd gained weight and didn't feel attractive. After I lost some of it, just like that, clothes didn't seem as terrifying anymore. Since then I've been a bargain fashion hunter.
I think depression had A LOT to do with how I dressed. Who feels like looking cute when inside you're miserable? I dressed how I felt and I felt horrid. My hair was constantly one step from becoming matted because I wore it in the same pulled back scarf/headband combo everyday. I wore tennis shoes with everything and black was the primary color in my wardrobe. It was a stark contrast from the bright colors and great care in being overly matching I did in high school, or my discovery of how to dress like "a woman" once I got to college.
Now I don't think fashion is the end all, be all. Clothes are just that, clothes. To me it's still far more important as to what's going on in your head that what's on your back. But clothes are a form of self-expression and I'm glad my expression is now that of a happy and healthy person, not of a moody, malcontent.
Monday, April 23, 2012 at 10:51AM 
Lynn Elliott Letterman's "The Long & Winding Road"
