If you see it once its just an expression of individuality and creativity. If you see it three times, that fucker is a trend.
Where are your pants, young ladies?
You know who I’m talking to. Beyonce, Ciara, Lady Gaga. PANTS! What the hell happened to pants (or a nice skirt)? What do you have against them? Why is everyone doing their best Bob Fosse inspired vision of female sexuality as channeled by Liza Minnelli and the musicals “Cabaret” and “Chicago” with a disco beat and Justin Timberlake warbling in the background? What is going on here? Why is all shiny tights and leotards now or nothing? (Often accessorized with six-inch heeled ankle boots.) Don’t make me turn into the Fug Girls on this but … PANTS, gah! Put on some pants!
More evidence after the jump.
Case #1: Beyonce, “Ego”
Technically, Beyonce gets somewhat of a pass as she at least seems to understand going pants-less is for performance only. Unlike Lady Gaga (who has taken no pants to an all new disturbing level), she seems to knock it off once the cameras turn off. But obviously it was because of the success of “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” and the pants-less dancing that lead her to replicate the lack of pants in her new single “Ego.” She is at least wearing the extra thick, control-top dancer tights (necessary) if she’s going to do her best “Fosse! Fosse! Fosse!” with the poles and the chairs in her ode to Camel Joe’s magic stick.
I don’t like it, but hey, at least it’s not this …
Case #2: Ciara, “Love, Sex and Magic”
I’ll let the commenters at Jezebel break this one down.
I know this is going to make me sound like a prude but for god’s sake why do so many female artists have to get pretty much naked and do lapdances on camera to sell a song? I caught the video for Ciara’s Love, Sex and Magic and seriously I probably know as much about her anatomy as her doctor. I was genuinely shocked. If you are in a song and it ‘features’ Justin Timberlake with you as the lead artist then you should have not to lapdance naked all over him. HE should be lapdancing naked over you.
Again, while this video is um … unnecessarily pants-less (and also a blatant, hypersexualized, fossilized Fosse interpretation) … at least this is still in the confines of a shitty music video. Granted, I agree with the Jezebel poster — Shouldn’t J. Timberlake be writhing on the floor, half-naked, a la Prince, grinding por vou? I mean, pants-less chicks dry humping the King of Michael Jackson derived Blue-Eyed Soul has been done. Seriously. He sings falsetto and is not manly in the least. Why anyone one would want to rub all over his crotch is beyond me. But to rub all over his crotch without pants is doubly revolting. I mean, the song is kind of catchy. I don’t need some soft core porn to be sold on what is basically recycled generic dance pop.
But the most flagrant abuser of the lack o’ pants trend is the “New Madonna (Negroes included, because where would Madonna be without her Negroes),” Lady Gaga.
Case #3: Lady Gaga, “LoveGame”
I could forgive her if she stopped at the music videos, but Lady Gaga is more committed to the anti-pants movement than Lindsay “Tights Are Not Pants” Lohan. For one, tights? Who needs those boring, thick black tights Lindsay likes? No. I’m gonna wear my faux tan shiny nude dance tights EVERYWHERE, with a high-cut white leotard and some busted D&G heels or better, some busted white ankle granny boots and I will declare to the world my coochie is so on fire that it needs constant coochie ventilation.
Breathe! Ladyparts, breathe!
One. I don’t want to know how long it takes her to use the restroom at the club due to whatever efforts it takes to get out of a leotard.
Two. When does it stop being a leotard and start being a “onesie?”
Three. No pants at the airport? Glad to see you’re committed to the not-pants revolution.
Now, Glamour Magazine blames Beyonce for this trend because of the success of “Single Ladies,” but I’m laying ALL the blame on Madonna as she started rocking the leotard and no pants as an outfit back in 2005 upon the release of the ABBA-influenced track “Hung Up”. In the video she writhed around in a dance studio in a damn pink leotard, high heels and tights to prove to the world that just because she was “an old” she still had killer gams and that no, you had not seen yet enough of her crotch.
It took awhile to trickle down to the mainstream, but I’m gathering that from the 2002 release of “Chicago” featuring Catherine Zeta Jones and Renee Zellweger, et al, without pants (including Queen Latifah for a number or two) reintroducing everyone to some bootleg Fosse that would make Anne Reinking roll her khol-rimmed eyes leading to Madonna’s “Confessions on A Dance Floor” and finally working its way to “Single Ladies” is behind this. And “Single Ladies,” a universally successful single and much imitated and parodied video (and part of Beyonce’s continued performing without pants) lead to an all-out No Pants War that has now claimed Lady Gaga and Ciara as casualties.
Mind you, Madonna still isn’t really wearing pants, but no one notices because she’s Madonna, nothing she does surprises us anymore and no one wants to give her proper credit for this stupid trend.
I understand why female entertainers would perform without pants. Especially if you have the legs for it. It’s guaranteed to get some attention. And I do appreciate the irony that a revival of a musical about celebrity featuring two women who are pretty much willing to do anything to be famous (include dance without pants on), spurred what we basically have on our hands right now — a bunch of famous and semi-famous singers all chasing the same fame, without pants, in similarly bedazzled outfits. Or in this case, chasing Madonna’s corpse and Beyonce’s hitmaker status. Now featuring killer onesies.
Now, as long as this stays strictly something the famous and infamous want to rock in an effort to keep their Q-ratings high, I suppose I will survive this latest celebrity extreme fashion trend, but I swear, if I start seeing regular ass people without pants on at the club, or if House of Dereon creates a “Single Ladies” inspired onesie that comes in purple from size zero to XXXL, I will turn into your 81-year-old grandmother and I will start passing out cheap pairs of chinos I purchased in bulk from Wal-Mart.
The world doesn’t need to see your babymaker. Please dress appropriately.