A few weeks ago I wrote this mini-satirical play after writing about the media’s obsession with The Clintons, particularly Chris Matthews‘ obsession with them, and how-oh-how would they get high without their “Clinton Crack.” It still seemed relevant since the media has started to transfer off the Clinton Crack to 24-7 Obama Obsession. Since I’m a tad busy today, and this bit didn’t quite fit for the SCAN blog, I thought I’d share with you my ode to political press addiction starring Matthews, political pundit Andrea Mitchell and MSNBC’s Countdown host Keith Olbermann:
Setting: MSNBC studios. Chris Matthews is sitting at the “Hardball” set reading through the script while Andrea Mitchell sits across from him also reading her notes. Both look a little out of sorts, especially Andrea who keeps scratching herself and is sweating profusely. They both look jittery and stressed as they prepare for tonight’s show.
Chris Matthews: (Reading over his script for “Hardball”) Tonight! Surrogates gone wild? Jesse Jackson is caught making an off air mumble that’s become a mess for … I (slamming down the script) … I can’t do this. It’s just … it’s just not the same! I need my Clinton Crack! (scratching underarms) I’m jonesing over here! Look, Andrea! My face is all bloated and red!
Andrea Mitchell: (Involuntarily twitching) Your face is always bloated and red, you ignominious bastard! There would still be some Clinton Crack if you hadn’t smoked it all!
Chris: (To himself) I can’t go back.
Andrea: (Wiping nose, suddenly calm) I sometimes huff paint thinner.
Chris: Really? Does it work?
Andrea: It’ll get you high. I mean, if you’re desperate.
Chris: I don’t know. You said that about Romney refeer and all it did was make me gain 20 pounds and buy a bunch of Marie Osmond records. I guess I could try that Brangelina stuff, but that seems more like a kid’s party drug.
Andrea: I lost 10 pounds doing Brangelina, but I also stopped sleeping, had sex with Billy Bob Thorton and adopted six Ugandan orphans.
ENTER KEITH OLBERMANN
Keith Olbermann enters the set, walking by, looking peppy.
Chris: How do you do it Keith? Your eyes are always so glassy and you always look so happy, despite being nebbish and tense and kind of killjoy. What are you on? And don’t say Ron Paul freebase because Jack Cafferty sold me a sack of that shit and it does not work!
Keith looks left-to-right then leans in to take a seat next to Chris and Andrea.
Keith Olbermann: (whispers) I have something TEN TIMES more potent than Clinton Crack.
Chris: I’m interested.
Keith: Obama Opium.
Chris: Opium? They still make that?
Keith: No. Not just regular opium. Obama Opium. It’s the main ingredient in Black Tar Heroin.
Chris: I think they liked to be called African American now.
Chris: It would be African American Tar Heroin. You know? I thought you were more racially sensitive than that? Whatever. Forget about it. Tell me about the drugs. Where did you get it?
Keith: Well, you can’t tell anyone.
Chris: This is just between you me and Andrea.
Andrea: (twitching) Did you just say you had some Clinton Crack?
Andrea: Because we’d have some if Chris hadn’t smoked it all!
Chris: I get it, Andrea! I’m a fat bastard. All right, Keith. Tell us. Where did you get the stuff?
Keith: (mumbles) Muurrr-murrrr.
Chris: What? Speak up. Why are you mumbling?
Keith: Sean Hannity.
Keith: I got it through Alan Combs from Sean Hannity. I was desperate. It so hard to act like I give a shit night after night. I just needed a little something to take the edge off. I used to snort that Bush Blow, but it doesn’t work like it used to. Plus it made me really, really angry. Or maybe that was just the Rove ‘Roids. I was trying to lose weight. I just needed something to even me out and Combs told me Sean was smoking the Big O every night. He hooked me up.
Chris: Does it work?
Keith: Oh (smiling) … it’ll get you high.
Chris: Can you boil it down like real Heroin because I just want to take a shot of Barack and put it in a hypodermic needle and shoot it right into my eye ball?
Keith: I think I have a spoon around here somewhere.
Chris: I’m excited about this. I mean, I’ve been using Clinton Crack since 1992. It was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. But I only partied with it. Nothing serious. Then one day, boom, it was gone. I forgot about it. Didn’t touch anything. But then they came back. And there was just so much of it. I didn’t really pace myself. So … so I’m in deep shit. I mean. I gotta have it. I need it. I want it. But they cut me off. I asked James Carville two months ago if I could get 5 grams of Bubba for $50 and that son-of-a-bitch said “Drug store’s closed.” Can you believe that? Drug store’s closed! I’ve had to get my Clinton Crack through Andrea ever since.
Andrea: Alan got me hooked.
Keith: Alan Combs?
Andrea: Alan Greenspan. They still talk sometimes.
Keith: (to Chris while cooking the drugs) Don’t go crazy with this. Alan said Hannity’s been hitting it so hard he almost OD’ed while watching some Rev. Wright footage Sunday. He’s sobriety partners with Rush Limbaugh now.
Chris: I bet Rush does a lot of this stuff.
Keith: Nah. He’s on Nicorette and OxyContin-laced Twinkies dipped in embalming fluid now.
Andrea: They call them “RushBaughs.” I tried that once and I woke up fully dressed in a bathtub full of water after a party at Brian Williams’ house. Brian doesn’t do drugs but Willard Scott was passing them out. I just thought they were hor’ devours. One minute I was dancing to Starland Vocal Band and making out with Ann Curry, then the next I was up to my neck in warm, soapy water. It was sooo awkward when Brian asked me to pass him the soap. He has very nice abs for such a boring man.
Keith: Wait … he was?
Andrea: He said he didn’t want to wake me, but regained consciousness when my head slipped underwater and I almost inhaled his loofah. And that’s not a euphemism. I was actually gagging on a his sponge.
Keith finishes cooking the Obama Opium and draws it into a hypodermic needle.
Keith: You kissed Ann Curry? What was that like?
Andrea: She tasted like cocaine and strawberries.
Chris: (Annoyed) Enough with the chit chat! Let’s do this. (Rolls up sleeve and ties belt around forearm) Get me high, mother fucker!