Danielle Belton's The Black Snob

Monday

15Mar2010

Word of the Day: Emasculation (Rielle Hunter/John Edwards Edition)

Monday, March 15, 2010 at 7:30PM

All the pictures at GQ were skevvy, but this one was the least so.After reading this hot, bourgousie mess of John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter/Lisa Druck trying to pathetically put a postive spin on her role in the clusterfuck that is John Edwards' everyday I came to two conclusions:

1) This woman is completely dellusional. And in the worst, mind-numbing, narcissitic way. She posing with NO PANTS ON while sitting with her legs apart on her daughters bed surrounded by Barney, Kermit, Dora the Explorer and one petrified looking pink pillow with googly eyes. But she didn't know those pictures wihtout her pants on would come across as SO TACKY! She had no clue, y'all! Even though it was for GQ and SHE DIDN'T HAVE ON PANTS!!!

2) Rielle Hunter's definition of the term "emasculation."

I feel comfortable talking now, because Johnny went public and made a statement admitting paternity. I didn't feel like I could ever speak until he did that. Because had I spoken, I would have emasculated him. And I could not emasculate him. Also, it is not my desire to teach my daughter that when Mommy's upset with Daddy, you take matters into your own hands and fix Daddy's mistakes. Which I view as one of the biggest problems in all female-and-male relationships.

According to Webster "to emasculate" means "to deprive of strength, vigor, or spirit" or "to castraste." I'm going to offer up six examples of "emasculation," which is the act of dening a man his manhood in a demeaning and dehibilitating fashion, and I want you to tell me which definition makes the most sense.

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

Corruption, the Congressional Black Caucus and You

Thursday, March 11, 2010 at 8:00AM

Were you surprised by all the stories involving CBC members and corruption? I wasn't. Maybe you didn't notice, but ... errr ... these people are politicians and what's a little bribery among friends? You had to know when you sent your favorite former Civil Rights champions, homeboys and girls who grew up to do good to Washington some of them wouldn't come back as sweet and innocent as the day you sent them there. Hell, some of them weren't that sweet or innocent BEFORE you sent them there. I think Madonna and Michael Jackson wrote songs about it and it's called "human nature."

You may say "Why? Why" but they're "not sorry." (No matter what their press flack says.)

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Tuesday

09Mar2010

John McCain Would Like To Deny You Your Rights -- For Funzies!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010 at 11:12AM

It's all a slippery slope. Isn't that what we on the left have been saying all along? That if you deny the rights of non-Americans it's only a matter of time before people start thinking the Bill of Rights was printed in invisible ink. Right now Sens. John McCain and Joe Lieberman are floating a bill that would allow for American citizens to be detained without charge. Sure it's unconstitutional, but that's never stopped them before.

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Monday

08Mar2010

Dating Is Not A Democracy (Menfolks)

Monday, March 8, 2010 at 9:00AM

"As much as I may miss the thrill of dating, sleeping with, meeting someone new, I regularly thank my wife for not being crazy. When we are out, one of our favorite things is to pick out the couple who is dating and thank goodness they aren’t us," Joe, Married In Maryland.

It's ugly out there. But then, when hasn't it been?

Ever since the day your pa stopped rationing off your hymen for a couple of goats ... wait. It wasn't cool then either, was it? Ever since Massa ... wait? That was kind of messed up too, right? Damn. It's really hard to romanticize the lives of women past. The lives of women who had few choices -- if they ever had a choice at all. We fought and died for choices. And now we have them. Unfortunately, dating is not a Democracy. Heading out on the open market means your destiny (and happiness) is in your own hands. Maybe you find the right guy/girl for you. Maybe you don't. No one wants to hear about the "don't" part. We all want to believe there's somebody for everybody. That's what our grandmother told us, after all. But it's not that simple. It never has been. Having choices means sometimes you choose other things over settling down. Maybe you choose your career. Maybe you choose the thrill of the chase. Or sewing the seeds of your youth. Maybe you choose to spend years of investing in things that go nowhere. That's the beauty of choice. You can choose something wonderful for you, or you could choose something so wrong you pray to God to let it be right.

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Friday

05Mar2010

Coming This Monday -- Menfolk: How You Doin'?

Friday, March 5, 2010 at 7:04PM

Coming to a Snob Blog near you, a new feature I like to call "Menfolk: How You Doin'?"

As womenfolk we can sometimes find ourselves talking into circles over sex, love, dating, marriage and other issues that sometimes involve those people with penises. So, I decided to hit up some black male long-time readers of mine -- some married, some not -- and ask them what they thought about the so-called "Black Marriage Crisis." After all, the black men in this debate were rapidly turning into Ralph Ellison's famed "Invisible Man." Either painted as no-good layabouts, players or white women-chasing, self-loathing miscreants who wouldn't piss on us even if we were on fire. Naturally, with all this negative press SOME dudes would be all "AHEM! I'm standing right here and I can HEAR you!"

I asked my readers/friends to be BLUNT. In some cases painfully so (but not mean). What I learned was fascinating and I will be sharing my report, warts and all, come Monday.

I decided to do this because often times people have a tendency to talk "at" each other and not "too" each other on this issue. And while it is easy to just lay all the blame on one side versus the other, these chats revealed things to be much more complicated than they appear.

Here's just a sample from a man friend I like to call "Brody":

There are plenty of good black men out there, but black women aren't interested (in my opinion). I'm fortunate to have quite a few female friends and these women primarily single because:

1) They're wasting time with guys that are clearly not interested in anything but sex. (We'd be here forever so I'll leave it at that)

2) They have good guys that are interested in them but they're not interested in the guys. (Instead) holding out for guys that have been stringing them along for 5 years or more, literally.

Check back on Monday for the full story!

Danielle Belton |

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Thursday

04Mar2010

Dear Harold Ford Jr., I'm Sorry I Called You A Princess

Thursday, March 4, 2010 at 8:00AM

Because it's insulting to princesses mostly. Not because I feel bad or anything.

Anyway, unless you've been living under a rock, my favorite sexxxxy*, pretty, pretty ... um ... Shit. Now I need to think of a new nickname. Pretty Pretty NotPolitican? Pretty Pretty Pundit?

Yeah. That's better.

My favorite, sexxxxxxxy, Pretty Pretty Pundit, Harold Ford, Jr. punted on running for Senate in New York after everyone in the whole wide, wide world of sports told him it was a TERRIBLE idea.

Why was it a bad idea?

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Wednesday

03Mar2010

Mo'Nique's Hairy Legs + "Open" Marriage = TMI

Wednesday, March 3, 2010 at 7:12PM

I forgave Mo'Nique for "The Parkers." It had to go off the air for a few years and UPN had to die, but I eventually forgave her for introducing that abomination of a show onto the world. My hatred of The Parkers is something rich, fertile and pure and I could write invective-filled sonnets about it. But I won't because Mo'Nique has managed to become bigger and better than The Parkers ever were. Kudos. So, now they are forever obscured by her other exploits and her Oscar nomination and she is not solely known as the fat chick who screams "Haaaaaaay Professor!" at a man who doesn't want her.

But Mo? Can I call you that? Or Nique? Is that more apropos? What's up with all the too much information lately? I know we're currently living in the Age of the Overshare and I know I've overshared on more than one occasion, but I didn't know you'd recently become an ambassador for hairy legs and open marriages?

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Saturday

27Feb2010

NY Gov. David Paterson Won't Run (Because It Looks Mad Sketchy In Here)

Saturday, February 27, 2010 at 11:01AM

Amidst the crazy sound of other shoes dropping, New York Gov. David Paterson said he wouldn't run for election* in Friday news dump amidst a snow storm. (*Can't say re-election since dude really wasn't elected. Something about the previous governor and whores ...)

Anyway, the thing that did him in was his thuggish ruggish aid, who, apparently likes to smack around women. He likes it so much that his boss may have had the state police intervene in a case against him by pressuring a woman to not push charges. He also *may* have contacted her himself. Classy.

Gov. Pattycakes got gently nudged out of the picture for a variety of reasons and despite being warmly welcomed after former Gov. Eliot Spitzer's "Pay your prostitutes with checks" scandal, he never seemed able to catch a break ... from anyone. The press totally hated him. Large swaths of the public were unhappy with him. It just wasn't working out. Of course, Pattycakes became governor in the middle of a recession where there was enough misery to go around, but he wanted the job ... so much so that to get him out of office you'll have to pry the seat from his cold, dead hands. So to get him to not run for election is pretty remarkable.

Anyway, Gov. Pattycakes is pretty much dunzo and will become all kinds of lame ducks, meaning that him and the wife can return to all that alleged sexy times with other people who aren't themselves that they used to have. Good for them.

And in light of the fact that South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, surving impeachment and who will now have his divorce proceedings televised, you have to wonder -- What did Eliot step down for again?

Danielle Belton |

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Friday

26Feb2010

The Haters Won: Desiree Rogers to Leave the White House

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 7:24PM

By now you probably know that everybody's favorite Zulu Queen, White House Social Secy. Desiree Rogers has announced that she's leaving her post. It might have had something to do with those famewhores who crashed a party and made everyone miserable for weeks. While I'm sure Desiree will be all delicate, graceful and classy about her exit three months after those famewhores ruined EVERYTHING, I don't have to be.

Boooo! Hissss! The HATERZ won!

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Friday

26Feb2010

Tavis Smiley and Al Sharpton Have A Tiff-A-Rooney-Dooney-Ding-Dong

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 10:00AM

So when The Good Rev. Al Sharpton gets into a slight tiff with Tavis "Accountablity" Smiley who's side does The Snob choose? Mama Snob is permenantly on Team Al, so I won't ask her opinion. She'll just go "Tavis who?"

I wish I had a BIG, HUGE opinion about this (becuase I know how ya'll love me going on a big, huge CRAZY PANTS opinion tear about things), but I don't. I think Tavis is full of it. (Booo-ring) and that the good Reverand is ... well, IT'S AL! I just can't.

Anyway, I'm going to let the man my day job boss calls my "boyfriend" because I quote him so much on the New Security Action blog, TAPPED's Adam Serwer take this one:

Smiley has taken the same sort of position that Republicans take on national security issues -- Republicans say Obama doesn't say "terrorism" enough, while Smiley doesn't think Obama engages in enough direct public advocacy on behalf of black Americans. Smiley doesn't actually engage on the question of whether or not Obama's attempts to de-racialize black issues have been successful; he just seems to think that if Obama simply talked about black issues more, problems would get solved.

It seems strange, but it's Sharpton who supports Obama's decision to de-emphasize race, while Smiley wants more racial grandstanding. While both men have been justifiably ridiculed for continuing to play the increasingly archaic role of "racial spokesman," it's funny to think that over the years Sharpton is the one who has mellowed, while Smiley still seems mired in the identity politics of the mid-1990s.

Danielle Belton |

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Friday

26Feb2010

How To Die Alone With All Fifteen of Your Cats

Friday, February 26, 2010 at 8:00AM

One. Get 15 cats.

Two. Keep reading articles like these.

"Black women are in market failure," says writer Karyn Langhorne Folan. "The solution is to find a new market for your commodity. And in this case, we are the commodity and the new market is men of other races."

Market failure? I didn't realize black women were GM stock! Black women! The Detroit of womenfolks!

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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Thursday

25Feb2010

Are You A Harriet Tubman Man?

Thursday, February 25, 2010 at 9:02AM

I was worried at first when I started to watch this based on the title alone, but then it became deliciously hilarious towards the end.

Danielle Belton |

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Wednesday

24Feb2010

My Parents Finally Read This Blog

Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 7:58PM

Papa Snob finally got a computer and he's now proficient enough with it to browse the Internets and find my profanity riddled blog. So far he hasn't mentioned the profanity (maybe because he's been known to drop a few bombs). But he keeps threatening to teach my technophobe mother how to use the laptop meaning MY MOTHER COULD READ THIS BLOG and she doesn't utter a harsh word AT ALL! She says the word "crap," then giggles and apologizes.

You wouldn't think I'd be all afraid of a woman who says "Oh, my virgin ears!" and wears oversized capes and hats and is only five feet tall and weighs about 2 lbs soaking wet. But you'd be terribly wrong. I'm scared to DEATH of that tiny woman! I'm not going to stop dropping F-bombs or nuttin' cause of it. Cause, you know, the parents are all grown n' shizz. But if they try to friend me on The Twitterz or The Facebooks, we are going to have problems!

My parents, for you who don't know them, are The Awesome. Papa Snob is from Texas and his hallmark is his great storytelling, Vulcan-like logic and pragmatism (I like to think I got my ability to spin a yarn from him. I also look exactly like him.) Mama Snob, a proud Arkansan (Newport in the house!), is best known for her extreme friendliness/Southern charm, spiked with AMAZINGLY militant, pro-black/feminist political views. Like, honestly, you wouldn't expect it, but boy, ask her what her opinion is on something and you'll be be like "whoa." I got my gift for gab and gracious demeanor from her. Both of them are politically Liberal/Progressive (not a shocker there), but are socially pretty conservative. Meaning: Freedom for everyone but the people we gave birth to! You know who could date the Snob Sisters when we were teens? Nobody. You know where we went on the weekends? Nowhere. Go read some books. Go to college. Get a job. You can do what you want when you're grown. That's all we ever heard.

No one was getting knocked up on their watch! And nobody did.

But the parents made me the person I am today. They are totally responsible for this hot mess and they claim it with open arms. They now join other family members -- Big Sis (who has been down with the blog since it's profane-riddled inception), as well as cousins Tracy, Rosalind and Kelly as semi-regular readers.

As for my father, I would TOTALLY friend you on The Facebooks, Daddy. Totally. You know? If you, like, knew what The Facebooks were and cared. But you and I both know you just want to find out when Tiger Woods is going to start playing golf again and how your stock is doing. Papa Snob, everyone! He gave me life! Give him a hand!

Danielle Belton |

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Sunday

21Feb2010

If You Brunch This Sunday, Please? BRUNCH HARD!

Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 1:13PM

Danielle Belton |

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Sunday

21Feb2010

Harambe! It's Black History Month (Guest Post)

Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 11:00AM

By Luvvie

Welcome, my *pause* brethren and sisthren! It is Black History Month, 28 days of reminiscing about the colorful past of us melanin-blessed individuals. This is the time where kids get to see Frederick Douglass' afro side-part in class. The children get to learn about gun-toting Harriet, who told folks to either be free or die. "I have a dream" will be recited to PIECES. Even Martin Luther King be giving the *side-eye* from up above like "Dang! Y'all know how to wear something into the ground."

More after the jump.

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Danielle Belton |

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